MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

So nobody with children should be a foster carer then?

I think that no one with dependant children should foster. That’s my opinion. I can’t think of a good age and stage at which it would be a good idea until their own children have left home.

You sound like a good person OP.

But you need to put your own child first here. I have a close relative who fosters and I know the challenges that she faces. I wouldn’t have my small children anywhere near it.

I’m not saying I’m proud of it.

OP, I think the suggestion of finding ways to volunteer with children in care now, with a view to beginning fostering maybe when your daughter is a teen (if the kids are significantly younger) is a good one. The point about LA's being so desperate to place kids they're not going to prioritise the impact on your family, and your daughter specifically, is a very good one.

So nobody with children should be a foster carer then?

Not when they have toddlers, and have very recently had trauma therapy for their own childhood, no. Absolutely not. You'll do far more harm than benefit.

If you want to pursue this, wait till your own child has grown up, and keep going with your therapy.

Foster carer with 30 years experience here. You’d be better off posting in the foster care section OP. You seem to have a very misguided view of fostering. I say that kindly.

Your LO is too young to consider fostering atm. Do your homework first. Good luck for the future 🍀

I also don’t appreciate my traumatic and abusive childhood being used against me like that.

Oof, I understand what you’re reacting to here, but also - this is the process you’ll go through pre-approval. Your traumatic and abusive childhood will be examined and potentially ‘used against you’.

Your mil is not wrong. She's also probably a bit upset to hear you don't plan a sibling for your dd.
Your child is a toddler, you've no idea what parenting challenges lie ahead for you or how it will impact on your mental health and recovery.

You need to put this idea to one side for a very long time I think. I know foster caters. Their youngest child was mid teens. They thought about it for some time and ended up taking on a long term placement. Whilst that spared them seeing kids come and go and go back to suboptimal environments it has meant them making a decade + commitment. It's not easy. No child in foster care is ok, they've all been through significant trauma and loss because that's what being separated from parents, even awful parents, does.

Thanks for your input. I’ve sent you a pm.

There are lots of adoption and fostering podcasts on bbc sounds. They are really worth a listen m, what you plan to do is a noble cause and needed. But those children will come from backgrounds of severe trauma and that is going to have a huge negative impact on the environment in your home. Your child is going to grow up witnessing the result of severe trauma. A relative of mine works in a children's home and the nightly abuse he sees/ suffers is eye opening. I too have worked with children in care and children at risk for most of my professional life, and although I would never ever change my profession- I would never want my children to experience it or take my work home.

I think your MIL has valid concerns and I think this is definitely something to consider when your daughter is late teens. Also this will give you the time and experience to parent, which you can then use in fostering.

Do you look at the family and their ability in terms of their circumstances, experience, etc before placing a child with them?

We do, however foster carers are pretty thin on the ground and if a child needs to be placed the chances of the fostering agency stretching your boundaries is pretty high. You need to be very clear about what you can and can’t accommodate, and be able to stand your ground which is very difficult when there’s a child needing somewhere safe to live.

Respite care can be a good way to find your feet - I know some folk who have done it but it’s been respite for children already in foster care. Respite places for kids with disabilities is often dealt with outside the fostering system because funding comes from a different stream.

Its worth speaking to your local authority and exploring with them the different types of fostering they support.

Also read up on therapeutic parenting - kids in care need a very different approach than the one you might use for your own child.

OP I think you have romanticised this.

yes it’s lovely to want to give a child in need a home. But have you done any work int he community with vulnerable children?

how about volunteering at a homework club or as a big sister? Anything you could do with cared for children.

I have some limited experience of children who have been removed from their families and they all have complex emotional and behavioural needs. You are incredibly naive if you think some will not. They will have suffered extreme neglect and potentially horrendous physical, emotional and sexual abuse. They have been removed for very serious reasons. They need adults who will be able to deal with this. I am not sure about the easier cases you think you will be assigned. Babies will likely have complex medical needs - and potentially family contact you will need to facilitate.

have you done much reading on the subject? If your mother in law picked up on a rose tinted view she might have just wanted to inject some reality into the situation.

of course your heart breaks for these kids and you want to help. No one is knocking that. But you need to go in with your eyes open.

Tbh it's really strange time to mention it to mil.

I think you need to go in with eyes wide open and try to talk to other Foster carers.
Friends parents fostered when their children were older. Talking to them as adults they could see that their parents were doing a great thing but if they had been given a choice they would preferred not to have foster siblings. Their personal stuff and rooms often got trashed, items were stolen, clothes were taken, their parents time was took up with emotional needs of fosters kids then there was swearing, sexualised language etc

The fact you are upset/offended that her reaction was less positive than a paid up member of Cheerleaders R Us might have been makes me think you are a bit sensitive and naive. Just because she is coming from the side of the family who didn't inflict emotional trauma on its children doesn't mean she has no valid perspective, it comes across that you are taking it personally and critically. She's asking sensible questions/raising valid concerns.
She is the mother of one half of you as a couple and the grandmother of the little girl, if she can't ask questions and try to find out of you've thought it all through who the f can!?

@Happypomegranate

I’m an adoptive parent and have just been approved as a foster carer.
You will hear lots of stories, both good and bad.

My advice is that you talk to a number of fostering agencies and find out for yourself what they are looking for in a foster carer.
They will tell you if they think your child is too young. They will also tell you the different types of foster carers they need.
Then you can make your own informed decision.
Despite having gone through a very similar process for adoption, I’ve found the process quite tough and time consuming in itself. There is a lot of paperwork and training involved.
I waited until my son was 17 to apply, he is now 18, as I felt this was right for us. My friends who foster have children in their mid to late teens. There was a woman on my training course who has two primary age children.
Several of my friends do baby fostering, often they bring them home straight from hospital as new borns. Its very tough emotionally as they say, every time they move a child on, they take a piece of their heart with them.
The other thing you should bear in mind that as well as caring for the child, you may have to facilitate contact with the child’s parents, siblings or other family members.

On the other hand other friends parents did emergency fostering of children under 2. Some which ended up as longer term placements which didn't have same impact on their bio children

We were keen to foster but there’s absolutely no way I would do it whilst our daughter is so young (6). She’s very keen to foster too incidentally (!) but it would not be right. I have spent lots of time with foster carers and fostered children and they often arrive with issues that you cannot imagine. I would not place your daughter at such potential risk.

An example (extreme I know), was one little boy (he was 7) had taken a knife from the kitchen and stashed it under his mattress. He was non-verbal and unfortunately, had to be returned to SS as he was deemed a risk to the other children in the household, who were late teens at the time.

I wouldn’t do it until your child was much, much older.

Your MIL is right. You primary concern should be your child's best interests. You sound very naive, I'm afraid.

Could the reason you're reacting strongly to MILs comments be because you're likening these comments to yourself/younger you? That your MIL sees you and your loved childhood as problematic or in some way not good enough for her and consequently your husband? Could be a reach, but could have some truth.

I also had a difficult childhood, and also looked into fostering with DH. We attended interviews, training, attended group educational sessions but ultimately decided not to proceed at this time. A couple of reasons for this. One being that your standard parenting style and techniques that you use on your own children are at best counterproductive and at worst traumatising and damaging to many children who end up needing foster care. In addition, when we discussed some recent cases with a social worker in our LA (Note, this isn't a collection of horror stories, just her current workload at the time), we were told of a 9 year old child who deliberately soiled himself, his room, foster parents furniture and bedding whenever he didn't get what he wanted accompanied by screeching that would never stop. We were also told about a family who gave their 28 days notice on a girl who trapped the families cat in a Barbie playhouse and poked pencils in the cats eyes whilst she was trapped defenceless. The family needed to keep that child in their home with their birth children until another foster parents could be found. If you join some groups on Facebook for foster carers UK for instance, you get to read all of the rewarding things and experiences that can happen but also about the things that sometimes go wrong. Just yesterday I read about an 11 year old girl who didn't get what she wanted for Christmas, so made an allegation of sexual assault about the foster dad.

Your MIL is absolutely right to ask questions and try and highlight the potential difficulties and challenges you may face.

I went through the process to become a fosterer and eventually dropped out. We met with many parents who wished they hadn't. Disabled children. Those born with addiction ps, these are not happy kids who can slot in to your routine for a couple of weeks. Rpthey are hard work and need full time help. Your child won't get a look in. Wait till it's left home and reasses.

I think most authorities like the fostered child to be a couple of years younger than Your own child. I know a couple of families that foster. There have been some huge issues along the way. It is an amazing thing to do though. I would have considered it but my dh wasn’t on board. I would have made sure the fostered child was much younger than my own children.

Did you have another thread about this in the last 24 hours?

MIL was against it there, biological child was 2 with no plans for more.

OP was advised against, was told she was being naive and her child too young. Odd there's two threads the same.🤔

Did you post about this on the Fostering board last night? Different username, but I’m sure I read this yesterday?

I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me.

Are you expecting her to be a sort of grandmother to the children you foster? If you’re intending on expecting her to treat foster children the same as her DGD then YABU.

It’s wonderful you want to do it but I can understand your MIL point of view. It’s not something I would want my toddler around. I totally see her point.

An ex of mine, his parents fostered. Some of the experiences he had because of that are quite frankly, traumatic.

I would think really carefully before fostering while your daughter is young enough to live at home. And then think some more if you hope to be involved with future grandchildren.