MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

I mean. I've heard amazing stories and I've heard horror stories.

I can see why your MIL is concerned andI also think maybe waiting until DD is older would be better.

could you start with respite fostering, maybe respite for disabled children. That’s not such a full time commitment.

Are you upset because actually you think she might be right?

YANBU to be upset by her comments but as others have said, I suspect they are coming from a place of genuine love and concern both for you, her DS and her granddaughter.

I have huge admiration for foster carers but at the end of the day the likelihood is that you will be caring for foster children with emotional/social issues who have experienced trauma and that will not necessarily be compatible with parenting your own very young DD.

That said, it does sound as if you will potentially have a huge amount to offer as a foster carer in the future - but in your shoes I would wait until your DD is an adult before you go down that route.

Id love to be a foster carer but absolutely wouldnt consider it until my own children are grown up.

My eldest child has SEN and the impact it has on my younger children is huge please dont underestimate what bringing a child with complex needs into your home will do to your own childs mental health. Thats not to say i dont think you shouldnt apply i just think you should wait until your DD is significantly older.

I wouldn’t with a small child in the house. I can see why she’s saying those things.

I think I would want my child to be old enough to understand why other children are coming and going from the house but that she will not need to leave. She needs that security from you first before you consider fostering other children.

If your dh was privately educated are you/ MIL planning that for your dd? I imagine that could be tricky if dd goes off to a nice private school while the foster children are state. It may just be surprise if you have never raised it with her before. I would take it really slowly for now

You could also do something like volunteer as a visitor for children in care or as an appropriate adult for children in Custody if you want to do something related until your dD is older.

This is very sad reading.
I have some experience working with vulnerable children and before I had my own kids, I was actively planning to become a foster carer.
It's something that I will revisit in the future, but absolutely not until my own are out of the house living independently.

Hi. Thanks for chipping in. I understand where you are coming from but surely every child is different? Some children needing fostering may be ‘troubled’, whereas others may not fit that label at all. Do you look at the family and their ability in terms of their circumstances, experience, etc before placing a child with them? If so then surely we wouldn’t be asked to care for a child that needed more support than we could give? We all have to start somewhere and maybe in years to come when our DD is much older and we have more experience we could foster children with higher needs. Also what about children younger than our DD, isn’t there a need for foster carers for babies, etc.

Remember it's not an easy thing to go through. I have two sets of friends who foster. One purely for the cash aspect and can detach quite easily and one set she is she similar to you... she is trying to right a wrong and goes in somewhat gung-ho. I feel so sorry for her when they move on. She also does respite and has a Walton amount of grandchildren.
Both sets have biological children that are fully grown. Their children have found it hard.
They will also scope out parents/ grandparents etc too so maybe give her some more info and include her with the process. Pick your agency wisely or go through the council. Both friends have been deprived of factual information in order to facilitate quick stays and have suffered for it.
I could write a book.....

If not now then when?

When you’ve had much greater experience of parenting at different ages and stages?

If I were you I’d plan to wait until your DD is much older.

It’s a wonderful thing you want to do, it is, and society needs people to step up to do this. But it’s not a decision to take at this point in your life.

You sound so naive

It’s a strange thing to announce on Christmas Day. It’s a serious topic that will significantly impact the family dynamic. Your in laws were probably hoping to coo over the baby and have some nice small talk.

Fostering is challenging for everyone. I have seen it work brilliantly but also rip families apart. Your mother in law has to be able to express her concerns. Does she visit regularly? Your in laws will probably be interviewed and vetted if you go ahead with this.

I agree with others it doesn’t sound like you have really thought this through yet. Maybe it was too wary to broach it - and absolutely it was the wrong time.

We had foster children in the family - I'm not sure what age I was, but definitely pre school. The only 'damaging' thing about it was my Mother saying on repeat that she preferred black babies to white ones. (I'm white).

A friend who applied to become a respite foster carer found it a very long process - there's no harm in getting started, even if the LA say partway through, or at the end, that they'd prefer you to wait for a year or so.
I know more people that have been turned down as potential adopters or foster carers - follow up on what you'd love to do, there are enough checks and balances in the system if your immediate family are not deemed suitable.

So nobody with children should be a foster carer then?

Close family friends have fostered for years. It’s driven their marriage to the brink, and two of their own DC have recently told them how they feel it ruined their childhood.

It’s a noble thing to do, and of course we need amazing people to step up and do it. But it isn’t easy, and I can see why family members might urge caution.

I’m a bit saddened at the negativity on the thread. My DB is a foster carer and has primary school aged biological children. What he does is amazing and provides stable loving family life to children who need it. His youngest was in reception when they were approved so maybe consider timing things so your DC is at school (and only offer to take kids round than your DC), however please don’t let the misconception on this thread put you off at least starting the process. In terms of your MIL, as others have said, if this is the first she’s heard of the idea, and the first you’ve mentioned not having more DC, then she probably just needs time which the process will give her.

Ideally, yes - foster children should be the only children in the home so that there's no "competition" for support and attention and so that the negative impacts and risks to biological children are minimised.

The majority of children in foster care are older due to the incredibly high threshold for removal. It takes a LONG time to get children away from incapable parents, and by that time the damage is done.

From reading numerous books written by a Foster carer and also working in a social care role which means I have regular contact with various Foster carers, I get the impression that it is an incredibly intense and high pressure career choice.

I don't think its fair to bring 'temporary siblings' into young children's lives, or inflict upon them the numerous challenges and high needs for attention that Foster children will through no fault of their own bring.

A couple of foster carers I have witnessed locally each have 3 babies under 2 in their care....why on earth the LA are thinking that is appropriate I have no idea... because as great as I'm sure the carers are at their job, I don't see how they can meet all their needs properly and they must be incredibly overstretched.

The LA's seem to just want children placed and with the lack of FC's are clearly expecting too much and spreading carers too thinly to be appropriate.Your own DC would be bottom of their priorities I think.

Definitely reconsider in years to come.

I can see how you may take her reaction personally, almost as though she's passing judgment on you for something that was beyond your control. But I also understand why she might be worried that taking a stranger (even as a child) into your home could come at a cost to your biological child. She'll have less of your time, attention, and energy. Most people don't feel the same level of selfless care for a random unknown child that they feel for their own flesh and blood, and she may feel she's only looking out for her own grandchild's best interests.

We all start off as naive. I have no experience of fostering from this end. I also don’t appreciate my traumatic and abusive childhood being used against me like that. I only mentioned it to explain why I wanted to do this.

She is right to be concerned for her grandchild

Can I suggest you look into offering respite care to disabled children? This can be regular, short visits, such as every other weekend, and the children will be in need for different reasons, not neglect and trauma, but medical, so yes, demanding, but more predictable and less liekly to leave your own child vulnerable

Some children needing fostering may be ‘troubled’, whereas others may not fit that label at all.

I think you need to go and really research what it means to be in foster care. These are children removed from their birth families because they cannot be cared for safely at home. The threshold for removal into care is very high, meaning children will have been exposed to high levels of trauma and/or neglect, which has an impact. Babies removed at birth will most likely have been exposed to drugs and/or alcohol in the womb, and possibly pre-birth trauma which can make them very high needs babies.

Its not stereotyping to say that kids in foster care have significant additional support needs - the very act of taking a child into care is traumatic for them. You need a good understanding of this before considering fostering. It’s a highly rewarding role, but also very challenging even for “straightforward” kids.

I would love to offer respite care. That is a form of fostering that we could do and it would enable us to gain experience.