MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

I wouldn't want to be raising my own child alongside troubled children. What about your own child, how exactly are you putting her first? I think fostering is fine if you don't have children, but your priority should be protecting your own child, imagine having a child with behavioural problems or who is aggressive, worst still teenage boys, would you really trust them around your child, how would you safeguard her? Not a chance would I want children like this in my home anywhere near my own children, madness. I'm with your mil. It's lovely you want to help, maybe wait until your own daughter has left for uni and then revisit this.

The stories the biological dc tell (especially when not around their parents whose decision it was) about fostering situations are rarely positive though, at best many seem resentful of the energy and time their parents ‘wasted’ on dc who didn’t even stay as part of the family.

Any baby removed from their family at birth will be traumatised. You would be an idiot and not fit to foster if you didn’t realise that.

And given that op was traumatised and required therapy after the birth of her own daughter I’m not sure why you can confidently state she’ll likely have very small babies initially.

Me too.l grew up with foster kids my whole childhood. Never occurred to me my parents were naive or selfish for helping so many young people. They made a huge difference and I had an amazing childhood. obviously not every case is like this but this is all very very depressing reading

I am a former foster child. I was placed in a family as an adolescent that ultimately became MY family, and have had candid discussions with my (foster) DM as well as her biological children about the experience. I have immense gratitude for my foster parents, but as a parent myself in my particular situation would not foster. The adults need to be 110% invested, as it can be physically and emotionally hard work.

fwiw, the biological children all ended up feeling they had benefited from having foster kids in the home. They didn’t always appreciate it (especially during the teen years), but in retrospect both of my brothers feel like they learned a lot from the experience, have no resentment, and feel like it taught them important interpersonal skills that have been useful as adults.

my foster mother has said she only regretted one placement- a child older than her biological children. my mother’s reflection is that it is really hard navigating parenthood with a troubled child when you don’t know what ‘normal’ looks like.

the other challenge, I think, is your relationship with you DH, as throwing any new children into the mix tends to test relationships. It is doubly difficult when you lack biological inevitability and also have challenging behaviour. I would love to foster myself, but don’t think my DH would be able to deal.

All babies removed from their parents will be traumatised. So you’re wrong from the get go.

How does a toddler gain perspective and pride from mum (who has just finished therapy to help her deal with the toddler) suddenly being taken over by a small traumatised baby?

I’m glad you’re ‘evangelical’ about fostering, may I ask what experience of it you actually have? Do you foster, were you fostered etc? And no, it isn’t easy on birth kids, or foster kids. Only the most robust and realistic of people are fit to be foster parents really.

Your MILs priority is your family, and especially her grandchild. And she's being honest and realistic.

I worked with many foster parents in my work. It's a huge and valuable role, and it's hard. And they all had children who'd either flown the nest, or were in their teens. I genuinely think that you need to have experienced parenting for over at least a decade to be able to foster well. Every child coming into foster care, whether for weeks, months or years, is going to have needs that are complex. And you don't know or understand them like you do your own, so that makes it much more difficult.

I never met a foster parents with under tens. And the best of the ones I met were the older ones with supportive and cheery young adult kids. When you're free of the day to day parenting of your own kids, is when you have most to give someone else's.

I'm not suggesting that you don't apply or go through the training process. But I am saying that your MIL has a point.

You're right that it's not their decision. You've got to decide as parents whether you think you can handle it as a family. The fostering families we met and worked with were genuinely amazing people. Their own kids were amazing too, partly because of their fostering experiences. They had been through the mill at times but they had gained a lot from it too.

I'm not disagreeing with the negatives that you mention but I am saying it can be positive too. I have seen both sides. And we need good foster carers, many of whom have their own kids.

WhT about mentoring a young person?

I did a 4 day training course to become a mentor to a vulnerable child/teen. The training was intense and similar to what foster l/adoptive parenT go through. Albeit bite sized. The things that they want to know about you and how you think feel and process is a lot. Your personal experiences. Your past. It’s emotional. That’s just to be a mentor.

Your posts sound very kindly natured and completely naive. Your MIL sounds like she knows you and loves you and I would pay her some mind.

I also think you should wait.

I thought about fostering when my dd was a toddler and was told in no uncertain terms by a social worker friend that I shouldn’t until my child left home. Sadly the trauma they can bring with them can be extreme - I really admire people that do it but at what cost to your own family?

I now work with vulnerable children and it can certainly be triggering if you’ve experienced anything like it yourself.

Foster carers are so hard to come by at the moment - it is likely you will be given a child and not given the full facts by social services in order to get a placement. Social workers are so overworked at the moment and support is not readily available 24 hours a day.

When I was single in my early 30s I was approved as a foster carer. My job changed and I didn’t have a placement as My hours became much longer.

My profile was for short term placements for non or limited English speaking children.

if you think these questions/ statements are hard or “using your past against you” wait until you get the several grillings from the approval team. That was hard going to lay EVERY aspect of your personal life dissected for hours. And I was a safeguarding lead with years of experience working with looked after children.
You will need your family support to get through the tough times.

Such savage comments, sorry op.

I think you sound like you would make a great foster mum. Maybe in a few years though, when your own lo is a bit older...

How patronising tod say she shouldn't do it because she's dared to mention her own childhood was not ideal.

We fostered for ten years. We started with babies and looked after a number who were under six months old. Our experience is that they were no more difficult to look after than our own children at that age. We moved on to older children as our own kids grew up and the issues became more problematic; I agree that the older ones were all traumatised in various ways. But someone needs to look after them!

Babies fostered from a very young age are not traumatised (excepting foetal alcohol syndrome or similar). And that is what the OP would likely be dealing with at first.

Why do you think OP would be dealing with babies first @Petros9 ? I think that's very unlikely. Baby fosterers tend to be the most experienced. It's a big deal to foster a baby and involves a lot of contact with the birth mother and significant extra training to deal with the relationship involved and the trauma to the birth mother.

Have you even spoken to the social workers at a fostering agency about your concerns and reasons for fostering and whether this is the right time?

Right, so did you find your own children at that age so difficult it triggered a need for therapy? Because that’s where op is coming from - a short time ago when her toddler was a baby this triggered a need for therapy to examine her own traumatic childhood.

So yeah, someone needs to look after them. Someone who is trying to heal their own issues while also struggling to care for their own toddler and taking any lack of agreement personally? Not that someone.

Her concerns are valid YABU

And you’ve only got to search on here for the foster carer lady who made a thread about caring for traumatised tiny babies. It’s not exactly something that slots easily in between caring for your toddler and examining your traumatic childhood with nobody every criticising or upsetting you and the baby not causing any issues.

Ah, was typing when you posted abbot your experience @Petros9 . The baby fosterer that I know has a far more complex role than just caring for the babies she fosters, and has had a lot of counseling and safeguarding training because she's working with the mothers too

Although I think it’s interesting that you’re so confident it’s super beneficial for all birth kids and there’s so many supposed benefits when you’re - surprise surprise - not one of the kids involved at all and can’t actually name any real benefits (other than being super proud of the amazing parents) that would come to the toddler child of op.

It’s a lovely idea OP but I’m with your MIL. You don’t bring a troubled and angry stranger into the home of a young child, especially a female young child. My neighbour fosters and all of the kids have had major psychological issues. I don’t know the stats on fostering but I do recall that 70% of adopted children are violent towards their new family. Your MIL, is, quite rightly, protective of her toddler granddaughter.

Your daughter deserves to have her home be a place of safety and security. Bring up your child, THEN be a wonderful foster carer.

Literally any other time of your life would be better for this. Not when you have a toddler.

Your responsibility is towards your own child. Based on my experience of working with children in care, fostering isn’t something I would consider doing until my own child was grown up. I think that your MIL is right, but I also agree that it is up to you and your dh.

Just because that was our own experience. Our youngest was 3 and Social services said a foster child had to be at least a couple of years younger than our youngest. I don't think they would place a dangerous teenager in a family with a small child of their own. And no one sensible would accept that even if they tried.

Having fostered babies who were removed at or shortly after birth I can tell you that they do suffer varying degrees of trauma.

My children were adults before I started fostering and even they struggle every time a child leaves us. I cannot tell you how hard the goodbyes are for everyone who has grown to love that child. I am fortunate enough to still have regular meet ups/ updates from all of my little ones and I cherish the relationships with the children and their families but the goodbyes still bloody hurt.

Have you done any volunteering with vulnerable children? Have you volunteered to go in to hear kids read at your local state primary?