Birth child is two. Is she too young to start fostering?

[Binxybo]

Just a throwaway comment made by MIL that our own dd is two young for us to start fostering. She’s two. I didn’t really consider her age in all of this. I am a stay at home mum so have the time. I wouldn’t have considered it if I had still been working. We have the space and the time so I don’t see why not.

It takes a long time to go through the vetting process, it doesn't hurt to get the ball rolling

As a child of parents who fostered, yes, she's too young.
Enjoy her and give her your attention first.

Plus, they often like the fostered dc to be younger than your own, so that might make things trickier for you.

Foster children will take all your time and energy. I work in the field. Your DD needs you. She is too young.

When would she be old enough in your opinion?

We definitely will not be having anymore birth children.

Just contact your local authority or fostering agency and ask? They might all have different rules anyway.

How much experience have you got of fostering? Do you know people you are close to who have fostered? It can be very very tough and most people I know who've fostered are either child-free or have older children who've left home. It's not a case of "not working" and "having the space" - you also need a lot of mental space to work with children who have had horrendous things happen to them 😢

Every child and their needs are different.

Sometimes it can be really smooth znd other times minor hick ups which requires time and adjustment. However not impossible nor mentally exhausting.

Raising a child can be challenging but also rewarding.
You will have professional support and networks to connect with for help.

Have you spoken to anyone who fosters Op? My neighbour fostered for many years and used to speak to potential foster carers as part of their induction/vetting process.

Where I am the children you foster have to be a minimum of two years younger than your birth children. I don't think they would let you Foster until your youngest was in school either. Fostering takes a huge amount of time and energy.

Not a great deal. Although my father was fostered, and I am quite close to the lady whom fostered him. I myself was also a foster child. I know it’s a really hard thing to do. I am willing and ready to learn.

It depends on the age of the children you plan to foster. She would need to be at least two years older than them, usually. I would also expect that she would need to be in school so you had the time to attend the many, many meetings, appointments, and contact sessions you’d need to go to without dragging your DD around with you (this wouldn’t be allowed anyway). I would personally want my child to be old enough to be able to tell me clearly what is happening to them, for safeguarding reasons.

I would say she is. It sounds like you are in a privileged position to enjoy giving your daughter all the time and attention in these formative early years.
When she is older you could consider speaking to some people who have experience of fostering. In all honesty your comment about having time and space so why not is worrying as fostering is a challenging and highly demanding role. I wouldn't recommend fostering unless you go in with your eyes very wide open. It just seems to break people.

I think it would be better to wait until she’s in school. Even if the children you foster don’t have complex needs, kids coming and going will be confusing for her, so you’d want her to be old enough to understand what’s basically happening. Plus you probably would want some extra time to do everyone justice (some of them will have complex needs.)

Fostering is a great thing to do, but your first duty is to your own child.

Social worker here who works in this field. Yes your dd is too young in my opinion. Il foster eventually but not until my youngest is older. It’s not even that a potential foster child may have some challenges it’s the amount of your time you will need to commit. Even if you get a baby or young child with no behaviour challenges you will have meetings, you will likely need to take the child to family time which can be everyday or every other day and you’ll be expected to travel to drop them off and wait or return to pick them up and it can take hours of your day up. You’ll need to be available to take the child to extra appointments etc… with little notice.
Its a wonderful thing to do but it’s not the same as looking after your biological child. It’s work but without breaks.
Even the youngest children can be disregulated and have challenges as they have had huge upheavals. You’ll have sleep issues and all sorts. How will all this impact on your dd.

How about becoming a community childminder first while your own one is so young? That could be a route into fostering when she is older.

It’s something I have wanted to do for 10+ years but never felt able due to work commitments, etc. I feel that having the time and space is a key factor in being able to provide a safe space to a vulnerable child. I had an extremely abusive childhood, been through therapy, etc and now I’m doing really well. I feel like we are ready for this.

Sorry, but no. Your child is far too young, I would say you need your child to be 10 at the youngest in all honesty so they can understand why you’re unavailable to them (although ultimately it could still breed issues).

Personally I would wait until your dd is about 10, then take children younger than her. Our youngest was 5 and in hindsight it was too young. It can be a huge culture shock for your own children when 'strange children' enter your home. Foster children are often coming from very chaotic situations, they will be missing their birth family and their behaviour might be very challenging, even aggressive. They might exhibit sexual behaviours around your lo, (usually because they don't understand its wrong). Also more minor stuff like not believing in santa and telling your little one about it, or using really foul language because its normal in their own home, these kind of things could be upsetting and even frightening for your dd. I am not trying to put you off fostering, we have been doing it gor 20 years, but if I could change anything it would be to leave til my youngest was older.

If I had another baby there would be times that I am unavailable to her, no? I know it’s not the same but I feel that having to divide tune between multiple children shouldn’t be a potential barrier. I’ve been given a lot to think about. Waiting until she’s in school wouldn’t be the end of the road.

Yes, I think she's too young.

I foster and did it the 'wrong way round' so fostered two kids for a few years before I had my baby. As a young baby she always wanted to be held (but wouldn't tolerate a sling until a bit older) and I did struggle a bit with feelings of resentment when I had to put her down screaming in her pram while I sorted out the foster kids for school. But I also had to tell myself that if I didn't foster I would have had to go out to work so in the long run it was better for her.

She's 5 now and thinks of my older foster kids as siblings. But I think she would have struggled under 4 if I'd fostered a baby. She used to get jealous of the cat wanting to sit on my knee!

You need to be prepared for certain things to do with fostering taking precedence over your own child's routine. Most LAs like the birth child to be two years older at least than a foster child and often when babies come in they have regular contact with birth parents to keep the attachment in place in case they can return home. And lots of LAs like foster carers to take children to and from contact, and in some cases stay during the contact. So you'd potentially have to find somewhere else for your child to go several times a week or have her hanging around with you for an hour or more at a time.

Also, meetings. I have a monthly visit from my fostering officer plus a visit from the children's social worker every 6 weeks (it would be more if they were a short term placement) plus a care planning meeting every few weeks, review meetings twice a year, annual medicals. As well as mandatory training sessions.

If you plan on sending your child to school I would wait until she's settled there before starting the ball rolling.

Fostering other people's children is not the same as having another baby/more children of your own. It just isn't. Pp have mentioned meetings that you will have to attend, and possibly regular access with birth family, but you will also have social workers coming to your home. You will have to meet different standards of care with foster children than you would with your own dc, as well as being answerable for every single thing you do and say in your own home. Also, unless you are only planning on fostering babies, you presumably don't have any experience of parenting children older than 2. Children in care have already been let down at least once by the adults in their lives, they usually need experienced people with tried and tested strategies in place to help them, good will and kindness can only go so far. I am sorry to sound so negative, just trying to give the benefit of my experience, I hope what ever you decide works out for you.

I just wanted to reiterate that you cannot underestimate the effect that this will have on your birth child. My DD is having a really difficult time as a result of my fostering. My foster child wants to physically be close to me at all times and my DD just wants her mum. It’s hard. She can understand why she’s like that but it doesn’t make it any easier. It’s SO hard to be someone’s everything, above the needs of your own child.

You keep ignoring the potential impact on your own very, young DD. Why? What is your rush to foster now when you are managing your own trauma and your DD is young enough to still need a lot of attention?