MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

No, SS don’t only remove children because the birth parents were abusive. It wasn’t the case with my DDs, who are full birth siblings. Their birth parents had a dysfunctional and abusive relationship and wouldn’t separate. Their birth mum also has considerable learning difficulties and other issues related to her growing up in care herself. (She was in numerous care homes as a teen.)

I have a lot of empathy for my DDs’ birth mum, and do feel that she was let down by the system as a child. She’s had 4 DC in total, all now adopted, which is totally tragic.

Having said that, my DH and I are genuinely mum and dad to our DDs. But we are honest about the fact that we’re not their biological parents.

Is that a snide comment on my phrasing or are you suggesting safeguarding ends at ten.

Such nativity and hyperbole on this thread it's hard to tell.

My brother was a foster carer. Lots of children need fostering of all ages. The one stipulation was that they fostered children younger than their own children. They mainly had babies and very small children therefore the children were at no risk to their own and they helped these children massively. They were supposed to be agiert term carers but occasionally had children for one or even two years. I would do it if I could. Good luck.

@mathanxiety mid 40s, literally no trauma whatsoever in my life. Nor my DH. Lots of us have very easy lives - mostly through luck I might add, but nothing bad has ever happened to either of us (so far, obviously) So you can’t generalise that all adults have had trauma, cos some of us really haven’t 🤷‍♀️

"Can you say the end after the age of ten?

They certainly didn't lie. I'm sure that everything they said was true."

You know them personally then? Why would safeguarding end at 10? And what relevance does it have to their situation since the kids were toddlers when they applied?

"They mainly had babies and very small children therefore the children were at no risk to their own and they helped these children massively."

And took away from their own children in the process by bringing in temporary siblings to bond with for 1-2 years and then removing them. Anyone who thinks there's "no risk" is ridiculously naive

I think PP was questioning whether anyone finishes their argument with a statement like 'the end' after the age of ten. More of a stylistic comment on rhetorical technique.

Pp doesn't know me personally but we didn't lie at all, if you see the fuller account of our approval process in my previous post.

Fair point, though I am curious about your own background in this area.

Birth children can find it hard to say goodbye when fc leave. So can the carers. So yes a risk, but not of the same magnitude as risks connected with fostering older children when your own dc are little.

As far as I'm concerned when you resort to picking on spelling or grammar its because you are detracting from your weaken argument.

And god doing your safeguarding is one of the worst arguments I've seen on here.

As far as I'm concerned when you resort to picking on spelling or grammar its because you are detracting from your weaken argument.

• it’s
• weakened

Oh no, a corrected typo. However will I go on?

I’m not sure I understand your post. Your children were adopted. My DGC could very well have been adopted too, but I fought the courts for them. I will never understand why they ended up in the CPS. But I do know without CPS they had no chance. I’m ashamed of my son and his partner and as long as I live they will never have access to my DGC. Both are dead to me

Why are you complaining that Foster carers get paid? As far as I’m concerned my DGC foster carers don’t get paid enough.

As far as you complaining that your DCs call their adoptive parents mum and dad. Why wouldn’t they? They are their mum and dad. They jumped through hoops to provide your DC with a happy, stable childhood. Adoption means they have all been brought together as a family unit. Two parents and their children.

As far as your rant about your DC will come looking for you, that remains to be seen but believe me they won’t be unhappy with their present situation. You seem to be projecting your resentment of child protection services as theirs. In all honesty, you need to take a step back and move forward with your life. And take on board the mistakes you made. I say that kindly.

Children are not removed from loving, happy homes by overworked, underpaid departments and placed with underfunded, scant on the ground, foster carers and then moved on to adoption, after months or even years of child protection personnel supporting the parents to make changes. I’ve seen it for myself. I lived it for too long. It’s so frustrating when parents cannot put their children first and expect everyone else to take up the slack.

I don’t understand your post at all tbh