To ask if I'm completely insane in thinking this could work?

[windyerneckin13]

Hi

Start a new job soon, full time 4 day week 8am-6pm. 2 days at home, 2 days in the office. 1 of the work from home days I'll have my 2 year old with us (partner also works home full time).

We tried nursery recently for a couple of months 2 hours a day but 2y/o never settled and just cried from the second they saw the building until the second we picked him up. We can't afford normal childcare so having him at home that 1 day is our only option. Grandparents will be having him the other 3 days.

I'm having a last minute panic that I'll not be able to pull this off. Work know that he'll be here and my partner will always be here so that we can take turns. Work is flexible in that I can make up a couple of hours once toddler is in bed if needs be.

Please help....am I a nutter for thinking this can work? Any experience of doing similar? Unfortunately we can't really afford for me to drop to part time unless absolutely necessary.

This is so unfair on both your child and your employer.

Don’t commit to being a parent if you can’t be bothered to give them your full attention (that goes for both parents). & don’t commit to working if you can’t give the job your full attention.

You’ll need to reduce your hours or find alternative childcare.

You probably already know this though.

I have colleagues who do this and I hate it. I work somewhere very flexible but the colleagues with the toddlers at home are never actually present when they have the kids. They are useless in meetings and can’t actually get blocks of work done. Plus, as someone possessing my very own toddler it fucks me off that they feel like they get to be special and not work properly and not pay for childcare, unlike the rest of us. We paid for a nanny for 3 years because of lack of nursery places near us. Yes it was bloody expensive, but we knew we’d likely have to do it, does no one think about the cost of childcare before they have children?!

Also, it’s no surprise your kid didn’t settle in for 2 hour sessions, stick them in most days for at least a half day and they’ll settle in.

That is a very long time to ignore your child and it's not fair on the child. Ultimately your attention will be on either the child or your work, and the other will suffer. Had to do it during COVID with a child the same age and it was awful - both child and work suffered

You are putting a lot of emphasis on how work is fine with it but actually I’m more worried about your son.

I’m another who had a 2 year old during lockdown and it was horrific. I was split between work and caring for him and just felt like a shit employee and a shit mother. Work was easier in many ways because of the situation so it was understood but DS didn’t understand and I had to rely heavily on TV. He needed more human interaction then I was able to give him and I wouldn’t recommend it to my worse enemy. Not because it will be hard for you (it will) but because you are suggesting 8 hours of your child either napping or entertaining himself. It’s really awful.

I honestly don’t think you’ve given nursery a fair try either. I’d at least go for a few full days first before writing it off. The reality is lots of toddlers hate nursery to begin with as it’s unfamiliar but parents don’t have a choice so stick with it and the child adapts. It’s rare they don’t.

This with bells on.

As long as you’re happy to spend most of the working day with him and then work once your husband has finished work and spend all your evening working is doable. It’s not fair for him to have this settling where his parents are working.
I’m still surprised that working 4 days / week and your husband working you can’t afford around £200. Id look at where are you spending your money as doesn’t sound you’ve got good finances

I just think this is dangerous more than anything. 2 year olds need constant supervision, what if your husband is on a call, your work need something urgent so you are on a call, and the little one falls/swallows something he shouldn't.

Exactly it's all fine until it isn't. Child tips a bookshelf over etc.

I think trying to work a 10 hour shift while also minding a 2 year old sounds hellishly hard. Is there a way you could work fewer hours just on that day, and make up the hours in the evenings of other days after your DC is in bed? I think 4-6 hours might be manageable if you can work during nap and bed time but you need to be fully present for your toddler the rest of the time.

IF it’s 1 day a week, your husband will take some of the day, you can make up hours later….then give it a go. It’s only for a few months until preschool. You’ll figure out pretty quick if it’ll work or not.

Sorry if this is an ignorant question giving the COL crisis but how can 2 full time employees not afford 2 days of childcare?

I had a 13 month and 5 year old in lockdown and it was hell. I would never willingly put myself through that again.

My 8 year old is fine now, but the 3.5 year old still needs constant supervision on the odd occasion he is home when I'm working (usually due to sickness!).

I'd be really annoyed if I were a colleague and this was week in, week our. Doesn't seem well thought through and I don't understand why you don't seek alternative childcare

Yes this is absolutely the way to do it.

Husband does the childcare while you work 8-6, then he works from home all Saturday.

OR, you work 8am to 12pm then do childcare, and do two 2 hour evenings a week. (or 4 hours on a Saturday).

DH does the morning childcare and then works in the afternoon, also has some evenings or weekend.

You can't work and look after a child at the same time at that age.

When they're secondary school age its much easier for them to fend for themselves while you wfh.

I have a nearly 2 year old, I wfh, there is no way I could work with him in the house, he needs watching constantly. My 5 and 6 year old I could work and know they are fine downstairs, not a toddler though. In the very 1st lockdown our children were 2 and 4, we did 1 day of us both trying to wfh with them there, it just wasn't safe and having one of them bellow "I've done a poo, come and wipe my bum" on repeat whilst I hoped I was on mute made me realise it really wasn't going to work. We could send them into nursery/school because our jobs were on the list allowed in, so they went in.

It'll never work, unless you can get away with constant interruption and giving around 5% of your attention to your job. Your toddler needs your attention, it'd be unfair on him, not just unsafe.

Yep, insane. You need to persevere with nursery, this arrangement isn't fair on anyone

It's not fair to your child. You can't nurture them or ensure their safety. You would be neglecting them.

Depends on the child I guess, but fuck me, that never would have worked with any of mine at 2. And besides work, what does the 2 yr old get out of being left to their own devices while both parents work?

So you own your own house and don't pay rent - do you have a mortgage?

I'm struggling to understand how with 2 FT jobs you can't afford 2 days childcare? DH and I had to manage to afford FT daycare for 3! I basically worked for years literally for my pension. We chose to have children so we had to suck it up.

Your child would be much more likely to settle in daycare if he spent more time there - and then you have three days a week free gratis?? Not sure where the dilemma lies?

My employer is putting together a policy on hybrid working and it states very clearly that it will not be granted for the purpose of caring responsibilities. I'm surprised that your employer is willing to agree to your proposal.

YABVU Lots of parents 'work for nothing' to pay childcare to stay on track in their careers and childcare is expensive. Did you not consider this before the DC arrived? I have 2 DCs 1 in school, currently on ML. Even though DH and I split expenses, one salary will effectively be covering our childcare. It's life. Would you have considered your proposal before the pandemic? Likely not. If I were your colleague I would be annoyed and worry if your attention slips. We are university academics and our admin team has to carry out time sensitive tasks, that we are not qualified to do, if you were 'seeing to' the DC, you might miss something crucial and so would not be doing your job. Is this similar where you work?

You need to split the shift between you so that there's a clear parent available all the time even if this means some hours in the evening or weekend. If you get more than expected done great, but not at the expense of you both parenting your child. And you need to go above and beyond for work. Make it short term or you will burn out. Can dh drop hours instead of you?

It sounds like you have an option to go part time until your ds starts pre-school? If so, that sounds the best course of action if you can afford it for a couple of months.

Yes, you won't earn as much money but knowing that it's temporary and knowing that there's a full-time position waiting for you when you're ready makes a big difference.

Two parents at home trying to work isn't enough supervision to keep a toddler safe and entertained. Minding a toddler half the time isn't enough head space to do your job.

Or as pp suggests, dh officially works on Saturday and has a day off in the week to look after his ds.

I really don't understand how people think they can manage childcare and a job at the same time. I have a busy job, so does DH. Lockdown was a bloody nightmare for us, I can't believe we got through it intact trying to work at home with DS 5 and DD 3 at the time. I'm still scarred from it. Now they're 6 and 8 and would happily sit on devices but I still won't have them at home unless I'm desperate. You'll do a shit job at work or be a shit mum for that day. You can't do both well.

Are you planning on ignoring your dc or your work? Because you can't attend to both of them.

This is it in a nutshell.

It's not tenable. And I really don't believe your employer is on board with it to the extent you suggest - what kind of workplace is like this?

It's really unfair - and unsafe - to your DC.

You keep mentioning options like your DH being able to work flexibly at weekends, or you being able to work later - so make a structured arrangement & do this.

He was at nursery for about 3 months 2 hours a day as thats what the session is, but he literally just stood at the door and cried the entire 2 hours every day.

I'm sorry, I know it is hard settling in at first; we've all been there. But most working parents have to do much longer days, much earlier, and everyone adjusts. You are being ridiculously precious.

And it's simply not believable that two working parents cannot afford even one days childcare a week. How are you going to afford raising your DC apart from this? While childcare won't always be needed, they are expensive in other ways, including activities, parties, clothes, school costs.

This is why I posted I was just looking for other people's thoughts, experiences and opinions before I made a decision.

My monthly wage is £1500 odds a month, nursery is over £1000 for 2 days. It's not that we can't afford it, it just means paying it would leave us with very little once the bills get paid, fuel for the car, train ticket for getting to work, food etc. So we'd have little to no money for saving/doing nice things. Which I am aware most people are the same when they have young kids. It's just shit that that's the only option for so many.

Also not that I can't afford to go part time but again having very little disposable income is shit.

I think as a one off day or for a few hours it might be ok but as a long term thing it's not. I had to work with my son there during COVID and it was awful. As other point out it's also not fair on him.
What about a childminder? Or somehow changing your hours so between you and DH one of you is able to give DS full attention?