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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I'm completely insane in thinking this could work?

350 replies

windyerneckin13 · 27/12/2022 20:05

Hi

Start a new job soon, full time 4 day week 8am-6pm. 2 days at home, 2 days in the office. 1 of the work from home days I'll have my 2 year old with us (partner also works home full time).

We tried nursery recently for a couple of months 2 hours a day but 2y/o never settled and just cried from the second they saw the building until the second we picked him up. We can't afford normal childcare so having him at home that 1 day is our only option. Grandparents will be having him the other 3 days.

I'm having a last minute panic that I'll not be able to pull this off. Work know that he'll be here and my partner will always be here so that we can take turns. Work is flexible in that I can make up a couple of hours once toddler is in bed if needs be.

Please help....am I a nutter for thinking this can work? Any experience of doing similar? Unfortunately we can't really afford for me to drop to part time unless absolutely necessary.

OP posts:
Detectorists · 27/12/2022 22:14

windyerneckin13 · 27/12/2022 22:10

@Detectorists that makes no sense. If they want to do it why not? She came out of work specifically because she wouldn't hear of him going to nursery and they've both benefitted from it.

Because they're her grandchildren. Not her children. What happens when it gets too much for her? How on earth is she ever going to admit that when you've told her your son hates nursery and you can't afford it? One child is very different to two as I'm sure you know. I'd never dream of doing this to my mum or MIL.

Angeldelight81 · 27/12/2022 22:14

Detectorists · 27/12/2022 22:06

And I don't care how much they insist, how much they love their grandchildren - allowing grandparents to look after your child full time is shitty and exploitative.

What the actual ? My parents were 47 and 45 when their first grandchild was born, they actually didn’t look after their grandchildren for five days a week, but they would’ve been perfectly capable, willing and able. I’ve set up my life financially to ensure that I will be able to look after my grandchildren when they arrive because having owned/run nurseries there’s no fucking way I put my kid in one of those babies zoo’s.

Trez1510 · 27/12/2022 22:14

I am in awe of your MIL.

I watch my (single parent) neighbour's 18mo a couple of times per week for 2/3 hours each time to allow her to shop/pamper herself/meet a friend/whatever she needs to keep her sane.

As much as I adore both of them, I am exhausted trying to keep up with the wee one even for that short time.

There is zero chance I could do full days even without a baby in the equation too.

DifferentYearSameShit · 27/12/2022 22:14

Can you give nursery another go. Unusual for a kid to cry all the time! Maybe they can have a fav teddy to take so they have a familiar toy or their favourite jumper. You have to toughen up, be firm..bye darling see you at 11am or whatever time and then walk away

Original poster
windyerneckin13 · 27/12/2022 22:15

@Detectorists I don't expect it, she wants to do it and it helps us out, is good for the kids and means we can afford to do more with the kids in the long run, I can actually grow my career and with that help we were able to buy our house and stop renting.

OP posts:
IneedanewTV · 27/12/2022 22:15

drpet49 · 27/12/2022 22:04

I agree. Poor kid.

Show quote history

I agree. And there will be an accident soon and an employer could be in serious trouble knowing a child was at home. Blimey I have to sign a form to say my desk is set up properly…….so that I don’t get a bad back. What happens if a 2 year old pulls the TV over whilst the parent is on a teams call?

TerraNostra · 27/12/2022 22:16

Sherbetdip123 · 27/12/2022 21:27

I work 2 different jobs and my 16 month old comes with me to both. She’s no bother atall and is actually quite a good help. Make it normal to your little one from the outset and I’m sure you will be absolutely fine xx

Ha ha ha ha brilliant bit of satire there, well done.

But just in case you were serious…what sort of job can a 16 month-old help with? Unless your job is “actress playing part of a mother” or “seamstress making clothes for 16 month-olds” I’m stumped. Is she a prodigy who is really good at Excel?

if you’re putting her up a chimney that’s actually illegal now, FYI.

Angeldelight81 · 27/12/2022 22:16

windyerneckin13 · 27/12/2022 22:15

@Detectorists I don't expect it, she wants to do it and it helps us out, is good for the kids and means we can afford to do more with the kids in the long run, I can actually grow my career and with that help we were able to buy our house and stop renting.

@windyerneckin13 I’m sure she absolutely treasures every moment with your kiddies, take no notice.

astralpiano · 27/12/2022 22:16

windyerneckin13 · 27/12/2022 22:15

@Detectorists I don't expect it, she wants to do it and it helps us out, is good for the kids and means we can afford to do more with the kids in the long run, I can actually grow my career and with that help we were able to buy our house and stop renting.

But you can't afford childcare? Where is all your money going?

FlissyPaps · 27/12/2022 22:17

Also not that I can't afford to go part time but again having very little disposable income is shit.

Neglecting your child is more shit though. It’s cruel. Literally cannot get my head around your way of thinking.

astralpiano · 27/12/2022 22:19

Are you paying your mum for her lost earnings

Detectorists · 27/12/2022 22:19

@Angeldelight81 - it's wonderful that your parents were 45 and 47 and therefore capable of looking after grandchildren full time. I imagine they would just about have the energy to entertain an eight month old and a two year old. But - did they not also have full time jobs to do?

itisntmuch · 27/12/2022 22:20

Charliehaus · 27/12/2022 20:08

I’d be super annoyed if my colleague was actually looking after their kid rather than working or trying to work whilst I actually do work.
I think you’re taking the piss
it was bad enough in lock down with colleagues and their screaming kids

Why? I've worked with men who surf the net all day in the office and do fuck all, delegate and duck out of everything. A kid that age sleeps for much of the office day time, or is happy dozing strapped to Mummy, hardly skiving is it for fucks sake?

Canthave2manycats · 27/12/2022 22:20

windyerneckin13 · 27/12/2022 21:54

This is why I posted I was just looking for other people's thoughts, experiences and opinions before I made a decision.

My monthly wage is £1500 odds a month, nursery is over £1000 for 2 days. It's not that we can't afford it, it just means paying it would leave us with very little once the bills get paid, fuel for the car, train ticket for getting to work, food etc. So we'd have little to no money for saving/doing nice things. Which I am aware most people are the same when they have young kids. It's just shit that that's the only option for so many.

Also not that I can't afford to go part time but again having very little disposable income is shit.

I think you should consider yourself fortunate to have as much free childcare as you have! Didn't you think about this before getting pregnant? Are you planning to have an only child?

There are sacrifices involved in having children unless you're actually loaded?

LizzieVereker · 27/12/2022 22:20

I think you’re taking advantage of your employer and colleagues, and neglecting your child.

Gazelda · 27/12/2022 22:21

I hope you realise how extraordinarily lucky you are OP.

Both you and your DH have unusually understanding employers, both willing to allow their employee to fit work in around their childcare. You also have a MIL who minds your baby 40 hours a week and your toddler 30 hrs.

I must admit that I'm envious.

In any case, I really think you'll struggle with toddler at home while you both try to work. He needs your attention. Work needs your attention. 8-6 is a long day, plus fetching baby from MIL. When with toddler get any undivided attention? As he grows, he'll need to run around and burn of energy. When can he do that?

EasterIssland · 27/12/2022 22:21

itisntmuch · 27/12/2022 22:20

Why? I've worked with men who surf the net all day in the office and do fuck all, delegate and duck out of everything. A kid that age sleeps for much of the office day time, or is happy dozing strapped to Mummy, hardly skiving is it for fucks sake?

Show quote history

A 2yo sleeps for most of the day? I want that 2yo!

ColdBeer · 27/12/2022 22:23

It depends on the job. My friend does it 2 days a week with a 3 year old and has done since her daughter was 20 months. She plans her week so on those 2 days she doesn’t need to be in meetings. Work are aware and don’t care as long as the work is done. She can usually get a couple of hours done before her daughter wakes, a few hours done between 9-5 and then an hour or two when her daughter is in bed. She takes her to soft play to tire her out for an hour in the mornings so she still naps in the afternoon. Her husband does the same one day a week too do it’s possible.

Angeldelight81 · 27/12/2022 22:24

Detectorists · 27/12/2022 22:19

@Angeldelight81 - it's wonderful that your parents were 45 and 47 and therefore capable of looking after grandchildren full time. I imagine they would just about have the energy to entertain an eight month old and a two year old. But - did they not also have full time jobs to do?

Obviously not, not everyone works until they drop. Ill be retiring at 55. Cant wait

itisntmuch · 27/12/2022 22:25

EasterIssland · 27/12/2022 22:21

A 2yo sleeps for most of the day? I want that 2yo!

Show quote history

Much, I typed , not most.

8am to 6pm OP said, your very unlucky to have a 2 year old that doesn't sleep through that for much of the time.

unfortunateevents · 27/12/2022 22:25

@itisntmuch "A kid that age sleeps for much of the office day time, or is happy dozing strapped to Mummy, hardly skiving is it for fucks sake?" Do you know many two year olds who are happily sleeping strapped to their mothers?!

TerraNostra · 27/12/2022 22:25

The whole nursery trial scenario is bizarre. I’m very surprised that a nursery would have agreed to a 2 hour a week trial. I remember when my son was about 11 months old I asked the nursery he would go to if they would take him half a day a week for the last month of my maternity leave, to let me start to get ready for going back to work. They advised me that he probably wouldn’t settle so better just to start with the 3 days I had him booked in for when I went back.

And part of the reason that nursery works is the rhythm of a full day’s routine- food at certain times, story time, nap time, messy play time.

There is no way that the staff would have allowed him just to stand by the door and cry for 2 hours. They are trained in distraction and entertainment.

I get the feeling that you have been too ready to be swayed by your MIL’s opinion of nurseries. My DS thrived in nursery, he loved being with other children, chattered happily about all the different staff and the toys there, and they introduced him to food I’d never have thought to give him at home- I had no idea toddlers liked garlic bread! He breezed through the transition to preschool and then school.

itisntmuch · 27/12/2022 22:26

unfortunateevents · 27/12/2022 22:25

@itisntmuch "A kid that age sleeps for much of the office day time, or is happy dozing strapped to Mummy, hardly skiving is it for fucks sake?" Do you know many two year olds who are happily sleeping strapped to their mothers?!

Er...yes. Its pretty normal in other countries.

Original poster
windyerneckin13 · 27/12/2022 22:26

@DifferentYearSameShit yeah we let him take whatever Toy he wanted (his favourite changes daily) got there, the ladies took him and walked him in and I left and came back after the 2 hours and he was a sweaty tear filled mess every day. They actually phoned one day to pick him up early he was in that much of a state. Was horrible.
It's like a local playgroup nursery thing so they have 2 sessions of 2 hours a day for 2-4 year olds.

They were the ones that said to take him out and try him again in a couple of months cause he just wasn't settling and they said he just isn't ready for it yet.

OP posts:
EasterIssland · 27/12/2022 22:26

itisntmuch · 27/12/2022 22:25

Much, I typed , not most.

8am to 6pm OP said, your very unlucky to have a 2 year old that doesn't sleep through that for much of the time.

Show quote history

I had my 2yo during the pandemic at home. He’s sleep if I was lucky 12-2pm. My working day was 6-2(I moved my hours so my husband could work on the evenings). No 2h/8h is not much of the day. At least on my case. Many of my nursery friends during the pandemic their kids dropped the only nap they were having.