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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners Christmas money

165 replies

TinyMummyToOne · 26/12/2022 19:48

My partner and I have been together 4 years. This was the first year I’ve been there when he opened his presents from his parents. One of which was a cheque, which came with the apology that it wasn’t as much as usual as they’ve had to spend money on stuff this year. He didn’t think I’d seen him open it as I was doing something else at the time. It was for £2000.

He’s never mentioned getting this at Christmas before, or said anything about it this year. I only know how much it was for because I’m a nosy cow and I had a look.

AIBU to be annoyed that he’s never mentioned this? We live month to month. I earn more than he does and the rent he pays doesn’t cover what it costs for him to live here, but as he pays “as much as he can”. We’ve never been abroad since we’ve been together as we’ve not had the money but we’ve had a few weekends away that I’ve paid for. We need a load of new stuff for the house like a sofa and a mattress but we can’t afford those things at the moment. The last few Christmas’s I’ve had to put the £100 or so I’ve received into our bills pot so we can afford January.

I’m annoyed he keeps this quiet but as it’s his Christmas money and he’s free to do as he pleases with it, I’m not sure I can justify my annoyance.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 26/12/2022 19:53

I’d be annoyed too especially since his contribution doesn’t cover his share of your monthly bills so you’re subsidising him!

I’d bring it up directly, say you saw his parents had been very generous with their gift but spelling out that you’re covering him financially month on month and you need to reassess your finances as a couple.

TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree · 26/12/2022 19:55

It's a gift for him from his parents?

Did you never say previously ' what did you get from your mum and dad'?

Original poster
TinyMummyToOne · 26/12/2022 20:00

This was in addition to the fancy watch, clothes, smellies, grooming accessories and other little bits. He always comes home with a big bag of presents. I wouldn’t have expected there to be anything else!

OP posts:
1980sfookup · 26/12/2022 20:03

I would be bloody fuming! 2k is a lot of money - not being nosy but it must be around a months wage (or more). I would hope he is going to contribute at least 200 quid to the pot this month!

I don't know either of you but my first reaction is that he is taking the piss big time! Tell him to fuck off!

Valid8me · 26/12/2022 20:08

I don't think that it is anything to do with you really, you are not married, have only been together 4 years and it is a gift to him from his parents.

You should make him contribute more fairly to the household expenses, but that is separate to his gift from his parents. I'm sure that they didn't give it to him so that he could buy a mattress.

NumberTheory · 26/12/2022 20:11

YANBU. If you are subsidising him because he tells you he can’t afford to pay his way yet he’s hiding money from you, that’s pretty awful. Deceptive and deeply unfair of him.

I would sit down for a talk with him and make sure you understand the situation properly before you make any decisions. But this is the sort of thing worth breaking up over. If it is the way it looks on the surface, you could never really trust him again.

Notthetoothfairy · 26/12/2022 20:11

I would make him pay the lot towards household expenses as you are literally subsiding him (he obviously isn’t paying as much as he can, by any stretch of the imagination).

He either has a secret pot of money or has spent all the thousands previously received from his parents purely on himself whilst pleading poverty and relying upon your charity.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2022 20:13

Stop subsiding him! You did it because you thought you had to and you obviously don’t.

yoyo1234 · 26/12/2022 20:13

I can see myself and DH giving money as part of Christmas presents to DC when they are older. I certainly would expect them to spend it on something joint if they were in a 4 year relationship and had children (looking at OPs name). Things like a mattress- especially if sleep is being affected would be sensible.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2022 20:14

I'm sure that they didn't give it to him so that he could buy a mattress.

Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t. Maybe they didn’t realise he needed a new mattress or was mooching off OP for his everyday living costs.

Violashift · 26/12/2022 20:15

Valid8me · 26/12/2022 20:08

I don't think that it is anything to do with you really, you are not married, have only been together 4 years and it is a gift to him from his parents.

You should make him contribute more fairly to the household expenses, but that is separate to his gift from his parents. I'm sure that they didn't give it to him so that he could buy a mattress.

They are living together sharing finances. May as well be married.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 26/12/2022 20:15

Add up how much extra you have paid for your joint stuff in 2022...say phew dp now you can pay me what you owe for this year... And stare him right out as you say it.
Or 2023 he a move back home.

Margo34 · 26/12/2022 20:18

Valid8me · 26/12/2022 20:08

I don't think that it is anything to do with you really, you are not married, have only been together 4 years and it is a gift to him from his parents.

You should make him contribute more fairly to the household expenses, but that is separate to his gift from his parents. I'm sure that they didn't give it to him so that he could buy a mattress.

Agree with this.

Margo34 · 26/12/2022 20:21

It's his gift, it's his choice how to use it or whether he wants to share it.

If it was a joint gift to the two of you and he was keeping it to himself, that would be totally different.

coodawoodashooda · 26/12/2022 20:22

His happiness is your priority. Your happiness is not his priority. He's shown you who he is. I hope you get rid of him. You sound sensible and thoughtful. He's greedy and careful about it. On his terms.

Merryoldgoat · 26/12/2022 20:24

Why isn’t he contributing properly?

As it’s a gift I think it’s generally fair to spend as he pleases, however given that you have no money and he doesn’t pull his weight it’s more nuanced.

Margo34 · 26/12/2022 20:25

coodawoodashooda · 26/12/2022 20:22

His happiness is your priority. Your happiness is not his priority. He's shown you who he is. I hope you get rid of him. You sound sensible and thoughtful. He's greedy and careful about it. On his terms.

Do you think he'd be happy that the OP was "a nosey cow and had a look"?

You could also say the OP has shown who she is!

Maunderingdrunkenly · 26/12/2022 20:27

If your living arrangements were fair I would say it isn’t your business, but as they aren’t (and what the hell does ‘as much rent as he can’ mean as a % of your rent?!) I would be hitting the roof

NoDairyNoProblem · 26/12/2022 20:27

NumberTheory · 26/12/2022 20:11

YANBU. If you are subsidising him because he tells you he can’t afford to pay his way yet he’s hiding money from you, that’s pretty awful. Deceptive and deeply unfair of him.

I would sit down for a talk with him and make sure you understand the situation properly before you make any decisions. But this is the sort of thing worth breaking up over. If it is the way it looks on the surface, you could never really trust him again.

This would be my view too.

BloomingXmas · 26/12/2022 20:31

I would be upset about this too.
Is he usually more generous towards you after Christmas?

mindutopia · 26/12/2022 20:32

He should be paying his way. If he can’t afford the lifestyle you live together, then he either needs to increase his income or re-evaluate whether this lifestyle is above his means. Or you can ask him to leave and sort himself out.

I would caution to tread carefully with the money thing though. I come from a family with a really dysfunctional dynamic around money and gifts. My parents don’t give a shit about me. But I used to regularly get expensive gifts, the odd £2000-3000 appearing in my account. It sounds like it would be wonderful to be in the position. But in a tricky family, it’s not. I never wanted that money and didn’t know what to do with it. It was a form of control and eventually a way they tried to buy my silence. It’s not nice. He may just have no wanted to talk about it or deal with it. Or he may have debts. Or he may just need it to relieve the pressure throughout the year.

Your finances though should be equitable. No matter what’s going on with his family, so that’s something to re-visit.

KarmaStar · 26/12/2022 20:34

Don't carry on subbing him o p you should be saving the cash you are losing by paying his share.
move him out,he has not grown up yet.
you are worth far more.

Original poster
TinyMummyToOne · 26/12/2022 20:34

@Margo34 if there weren’t already trust issues, the OP would not need to be a nosey cow

OP posts:
Original poster
TinyMummyToOne · 26/12/2022 20:37

The responses here seem to be fairly split so I guess I’m right in that it’s his present, his money, none of my business. But I will be addressing the unfair distribution of household bills, as that does not seem unreasonable.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/12/2022 20:40

Time to go 50:50 on household bills etc.

If you've had to put your Christmas money into the pot previous years WTF hasn't he Angry

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