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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners Christmas money

165 replies

TinyMummyToOne · 26/12/2022 19:48

My partner and I have been together 4 years. This was the first year I’ve been there when he opened his presents from his parents. One of which was a cheque, which came with the apology that it wasn’t as much as usual as they’ve had to spend money on stuff this year. He didn’t think I’d seen him open it as I was doing something else at the time. It was for £2000.

He’s never mentioned getting this at Christmas before, or said anything about it this year. I only know how much it was for because I’m a nosy cow and I had a look.

AIBU to be annoyed that he’s never mentioned this? We live month to month. I earn more than he does and the rent he pays doesn’t cover what it costs for him to live here, but as he pays “as much as he can”. We’ve never been abroad since we’ve been together as we’ve not had the money but we’ve had a few weekends away that I’ve paid for. We need a load of new stuff for the house like a sofa and a mattress but we can’t afford those things at the moment. The last few Christmas’s I’ve had to put the £100 or so I’ve received into our bills pot so we can afford January.

I’m annoyed he keeps this quiet but as it’s his Christmas money and he’s free to do as he pleases with it, I’m not sure I can justify my annoyance.

OP posts:

pocketvenuss · 27/12/2022 20:19

Mommabear20 · 27/12/2022 17:10

@pocketvenuss how bills are split is up to them. But if a gift is given to someone is expected by the sender that is for that person!

And how that money is used is what is up for discussion. If you give money you don't get to dictate if it is used for bon bons or bills. If he is happy to let the OP subsidise him whilst he swans off buying luxuries then I absolutely think there is something fucked up in the relationship for sure.

pocketvenuss · 27/12/2022 20:20

@Margo34 see my reply just made

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/12/2022 20:33

It’s the secrecy that I couldn’t cope with. If he had told you that his parents give him money but that he wanted to keep it separate from household money you could have had a discussion.

You mentioned that you already didn’t trust him @TinyMummyToOne . Why?

cigarettesNalcohol · 27/12/2022 20:57

@TinyMummyToOne reading your posts OP, he sounds like a user and is with you because financially it benefits him nicely. Financially this isn't working for you though. I'd ask him to pay for his shares fair and square or he moves out. Tell him you know he can afford more. It's not like you're asking him to spend the £2k on a Chanel handbag for you. You're asking him to use that money to contribute to the household bills fairly. Don't feel bad about this OP!

Margo34 · 27/12/2022 20:58

@pocketvenuss we know they already have relationship issues further upthread. There's already a lack of trust from either side. I don't disagree that "how that money is used" is the discussion. But it's ultimately up to the receiver of the gift.

In a strong relationship based on trust and open communication, the receiver may well decide to share the gift or buy something for the family, in a partnership, with discussion. Receiver's choice. But to me it really doesn't sound like ths couple are working well together as a partnership in the first place.

Sunsetintheeast · 27/12/2022 21:02

coodawoodashooda · 26/12/2022 20:50

Exactly.

Show quote history

Goodbye. Tight piss taking cunt

pocketvenuss · 27/12/2022 21:04

Yes agreed. It is up to the receiver and if they are choosing to live off the OPs subsidy whilst they dean off spending their gift money on themselves then yes, the OP has every reason to be annoyed which is the question the op posted.

Heyahun · 27/12/2022 21:11

Yeah the Xmas money is not the problem here

Juststopamoment · 27/12/2022 21:29

Definitely a cock lodger. Basically what he is saying is what is yours is mine but what is mine is mine. Not fair at all.

Dixiechickonhols · 27/12/2022 21:36

He sees himself as single you see him as a partner. Definitely don’t subsidise him. I’d look on gov website at what you might get if he wasn’t here. With cost of living it’s natural his contribution needs to rise.

Dacadactyl · 27/12/2022 21:38

I've only read your first post, but this guy is a total tightwad. I can't believe some men are this stingy with money. Unbelievable.

Dacadactyl · 27/12/2022 21:41

Margo34 · 26/12/2022 20:25

Do you think he'd be happy that the OP was "a nosey cow and had a look"?

You could also say the OP has shown who she is!

Show quote history

Tough shit....if he doesn't like it he can get out of her house. Maybe his parents would like him back with them (I doubt it, probably never paid his way there either)

I hope you kick him out OP.

Lampzade · 27/12/2022 21:54

I can’t believe that some posters think that there isn’t anything wrong with him not mentioning the money he had received,
This is a four year relationship and they live together.
As another poster mentioned, it is the secrecy around the gift. He knows that he should be using some of the money towards maintaining the household.
Tbh, his behaviour is actually off putting .

magma32 · 27/12/2022 23:41

My understanding is that op is only subsidising him because he told her he couldn’t afford to put in 50/50. Her being a higher earner is irrelevant otherwise why would this gift bother her, she obv feels she’s being taken for a mug as she’s realised he’s frequently coming into wads of cash, surely he’d declare it and bump things up to 50/50 using some/all of it. Unless he has more important things to be funding so would rather op carry on…OP I would tell him you can no longer afford to subsidise him. His reaction will be very telling.

PotatoScollop · 28/12/2022 00:21

Sorry if I've missed this, but is he working full time?

How has he been receiving more than this as gifts on special occasions without you noticing - what do you think he is spending it on OP, or is he squirrelling it away?

Could he be saving for a house deposit for you both as a surprise? Marriage proposal?

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