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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners Christmas money

165 replies

TinyMummyToOne · 26/12/2022 19:48

My partner and I have been together 4 years. This was the first year I’ve been there when he opened his presents from his parents. One of which was a cheque, which came with the apology that it wasn’t as much as usual as they’ve had to spend money on stuff this year. He didn’t think I’d seen him open it as I was doing something else at the time. It was for £2000.

He’s never mentioned getting this at Christmas before, or said anything about it this year. I only know how much it was for because I’m a nosy cow and I had a look.

AIBU to be annoyed that he’s never mentioned this? We live month to month. I earn more than he does and the rent he pays doesn’t cover what it costs for him to live here, but as he pays “as much as he can”. We’ve never been abroad since we’ve been together as we’ve not had the money but we’ve had a few weekends away that I’ve paid for. We need a load of new stuff for the house like a sofa and a mattress but we can’t afford those things at the moment. The last few Christmas’s I’ve had to put the £100 or so I’ve received into our bills pot so we can afford January.

I’m annoyed he keeps this quiet but as it’s his Christmas money and he’s free to do as he pleases with it, I’m not sure I can justify my annoyance.

OP posts:
Beelezebub · 26/12/2022 20:46

I’d be furious about this. Absolutely furious.

Flowerpower2022 · 26/12/2022 20:47

I would definitely demand more transparency about his finances. Without more detail about your set-up - eg kids etc - it’s hard to give detailed advice. If you are a family I don’t think it’s on for him to be squirrelling money away and letting you subsidise him. At the very least he needs to be honest about this money and if he’s holding on to if he needs to be contributing 50:50 going forward. He sounds a bit of a man child OP - watch out.

sandwichesarelife · 26/12/2022 20:47

Sneaky fucker I wouldn’t be able to forgive this

HanSB · 26/12/2022 20:47

It may be a gift but what is he spending it on in previous years if it’s been more than 2k and you usually live month to month? I wouldn’t be able to have disposable cash if there were essentials like rent, furniture that needed paying for. That’s the problem, it doesn’t matter how he came by the money, it’s that he doesn’t see you and your life ‘together’ as a priority to spend money on and essentially you are paying and subsidising him. He should be ashamed of himself. It’s clear his personality and I couldn’t stay with someone that selfish who did not put me first.

Flowerpower2022 · 26/12/2022 20:48

Flowerpower2022 · 26/12/2022 20:47

I would definitely demand more transparency about his finances. Without more detail about your set-up - eg kids etc - it’s hard to give detailed advice. If you are a family I don’t think it’s on for him to be squirrelling money away and letting you subsidise him. At the very least he needs to be honest about this money and if he’s holding on to if he needs to be contributing 50:50 going forward. He sounds a bit of a man child OP - watch out.

Actually sorry, whether you are a family or not it’s not on to be secretive.

Flapjack637 · 26/12/2022 20:49

Beelezebub · 26/12/2022 20:46

I’d be furious about this. Absolutely furious.

This. And I think it would be the end of the relationship for me. He’s a cocklodger OP. Get rid.

coodawoodashooda · 26/12/2022 20:50

Flapjack637 · 26/12/2022 20:49

This. And I think it would be the end of the relationship for me. He’s a cocklodger OP. Get rid.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Boulshired · 26/12/2022 20:51

You don’t trust him, it’s why you needed to look and he has proven why he can’t be trusted. You subsidising him whilst he is either spending money on himself or saving it is not the way to continue a relationship. So last January whilst he was cashing his parents cheque you were doing without to cover joint bills. I couldn’t carry on like this.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/12/2022 20:52

If he contributed fairly to household finances then he can do what he Santa with his gift.

But if you're contributing your gifts and going without and subsidising him, while he claims poverty, then it's no longer just about the finances, it's about being taken advantage of and being misled

Bobbybobbins · 26/12/2022 20:52

There are two separate issues here- the secrecy about the money which is not great and I would be annoyed about but not sure what you can do. You can bring it up with him but you can't force him to share it. Says something about his character that he would accept you paying for weekends away and keeping this quiet.

Secondly, if he is not paying his way that needs to change. This is definitely something you need to raise.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2022 20:52

Do you have dc together op? I think people are responding as if you don't, but your username suggests you do. If you do, and you live hand to mouth, the responses would be a unanimous Yanbu.

latelydaydreams · 26/12/2022 20:53

I think the point is: You are subbing him and he has not mentioned that he gets this money.

In most LTRs where you live togther, if there is inequity in how much you both pay, you’d expect to know how that sort of sun of money fits into things. If he thinks there’s nothing wrong with him keeping it while you sub him, you’d have expected him to say it. If he’s using it to top up his expenses, you’d have expected him to say it.

The conclusion therefore has to be that he does not want you to know about it, and I would want to know why he did not want me to know. I don’t think the it’s his money and his choice what to spend it on is necessarily relevant. With most gifts you’d say- what did you get from X or, Y bought me a whatever for Christmas. I’d ask him what his parents gave him, and how much. If he is untruthful, then you have an answer of sorts.

HayleyBean · 26/12/2022 20:53

Where his parents apologised for it not being as much as usual, does that mean in previous years he's had cheques for more and not told you? That would piss me off a treat! Def go 50:50 on bills

oviraptor21 · 26/12/2022 21:02

@TinyMummyToOne The replies may be split but the poll is very clear that yanbu.
DP has been deceitful and selfish in allowing you to shoulder more of the shared expenses.

converseandjeans · 26/12/2022 21:03

It's his money to do what he wants with. However my Mum gives me a decent amount for Christmas & it's always used as family money for a holiday.

In future split bills equally & stop subbing him. His parents likely help him out so he can do that & would be surprised he isn't paying his way.

Nancywhiskey · 26/12/2022 21:03

Freeloader

Batshitkerazy · 26/12/2022 21:06

Valid8me · 26/12/2022 20:08

I don't think that it is anything to do with you really, you are not married, have only been together 4 years and it is a gift to him from his parents.

You should make him contribute more fairly to the household expenses, but that is separate to his gift from his parents. I'm sure that they didn't give it to him so that he could buy a mattress.

When, according to mumsnet, can the “only” be left out when discussing relationship length? Genuine question

Ourlittleharmonica · 26/12/2022 21:10

The fact that he gets this money annually and doesn't declare it wouldn't annoy me as much as him letting you pay for everything. Does he ever offer to cover the cost of things? WTF is he spending it on if you're paying for everything? Do his parents think it's for both of you?!

Would he split the cost of a meal or do a food shop, OP? Or does he ever treat you? Otherwise you need to have a bloody serious discussion.

And don't put your £100 in the pot this year. Tell him you saw it and he can cover January.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 26/12/2022 21:11

Every penny DH parents have given us ( about 150 at Xmas) not recently has gone to living expenses.
It always has.
DH has never brought himself anything with it. I've also put money into our family pot because times have been lean.
Many xmasses we would only buy for DC and it's only recently I've been able to get DH nicer presents he likes,his interests!! that includes pres marriage as well

Cakeandcardio · 26/12/2022 21:16

Margo34 · 26/12/2022 20:21

It's his gift, it's his choice how to use it or whether he wants to share it.

If it was a joint gift to the two of you and he was keeping it to himself, that would be totally different.

Is it though? That's not how my relationship works. Of we get a gift- especially a substantial sum of money - then we might treat ourselves to new clothes but most probably we put it towards a holiday. If we were skint and needed something for the house, we would get that. I do not understand the concept of squirreling money away and being a dick by mooching off one's partner. I mean 'we' as in either one of us because I am part of a team that works together.

Aprilx · 26/12/2022 21:23

I can’t quite decide to be honest. I didn’t see our finances as being combined until we got married, so I wouldn’t have seen a cash gift from his parent as being any of my business. And I was the higher earner when we met and he lived with me rent free for six months. Still I wasn’t struggling, it sounds like you are a little bit, so to be secretive about money whilst watching you struggle to cover the bills is off.

BrutusMcDogface · 26/12/2022 21:28

I can’t get my head around those of you who are saying it’s his money and his business, when the OP subsidises him so heavily and they are in a relationship with a child.

It’s disgusting behaviour in his part to keep all that money to himself and watch his partner struggle, whilst paying less than his fair share.

Summerishere123 · 26/12/2022 21:32

If you hadn't put your measly £100 into the pot to save overdrafts on previous years then I would say its his money as a gift. It isn't okay that he let you cover bills with your small amount of xmas money whilst he sat on ££££. Unless you didn't tell him that you did it?

Geppili · 26/12/2022 21:42

He is a tight cocklodger and not worthy of you.

cushioncovers · 26/12/2022 21:46

He's having a laugh at your expense op. You're paying more towards all household and holiday expenses and he's keeping money aside for himself whilst maintaining he can't pay anything more.