Partners Christmas money

[TinyMummyToOne]

My partner and I have been together 4 years. This was the first year I’ve been there when he opened his presents from his parents. One of which was a cheque, which came with the apology that it wasn’t as much as usual as they’ve had to spend money on stuff this year. He didn’t think I’d seen him open it as I was doing something else at the time. It was for £2000.

He’s never mentioned getting this at Christmas before, or said anything about it this year. I only know how much it was for because I’m a nosy cow and I had a look.

AIBU to be annoyed that he’s never mentioned this? We live month to month. I earn more than he does and the rent he pays doesn’t cover what it costs for him to live here, but as he pays “as much as he can”. We’ve never been abroad since we’ve been together as we’ve not had the money but we’ve had a few weekends away that I’ve paid for. We need a load of new stuff for the house like a sofa and a mattress but we can’t afford those things at the moment. The last few Christmas’s I’ve had to put the £100 or so I’ve received into our bills pot so we can afford January.

I’m annoyed he keeps this quiet but as it’s his Christmas money and he’s free to do as he pleases with it, I’m not sure I can justify my annoyance.

Of food I'd agree, which is why I'd separate that out, but of rent it's a third and why would an adult cost more to heat their rooms or to bath etc than a child? DC tend to have baths most nights whereas adults have showers. If the guy moved out, I doubt their outgoings would go down by over a third. Not saying he's a catch, clearly he's not, but it's not like he's paying £600 and the rent is £2000. I can see how they got to that figure and if she wants more, better to make a proper case for it that stacks up.

I always have an unpopular opinion here but if a person wants a relationship with a person with a child then they need to be willing to support them financially. You have no idea what the future holds - I know two people whose ex partners died and their children had to become part of a blended family.

I think it’s reasonable to split expenses in a way that allows you both equal money left over and I suspect he’s sponging off you massively.

Why are you actually with him given he seems so unengaged and uninterested in your joint life?

I would be expecting about £650 to cover the household expenses and another £150-200 for food.
A one bed flat to rent where we live is around £900 a month. We currently live in a small two bed mid terrace, with a nice landlord who hasn’t raised rent as much as he could. We’d be paying the same as we do now if we downsized to 2 bed flat. So without child we’d split that 50:50. Plus half the council tax (£80), half the water and energy (his 20 minute shower each day is about the same as son and I use together) so that’s another £100. Plus half the Spotify, Netflix, tv licence etc.
My ex-husband and I split sons time 50:50 so he doesn’t pay me anything.

Assuming he works FT in a NMW job, he must have about £800 left after he's paid his paltry share. What does he spend it on???

You’ve been a doormat, OP. Sit down and show him exactly how much everything is costing you. He needs to contribute far more. His £600 includes food?! That’s bonkers! Time to work out how much he’s actually costing you and ask yourself why you’re subsidising him and ask him for the £2k.

After 4 years DH and I had 2 children together and a joint mortgage, how would that be different to being together 10 years? If we have cash gifts or work bonuses then we would try to ensure who got given it can spend it on themselves,or we would spend on the kids, but if we were struggling it would definitely be spent jointly.

Living separately with no joint bills would be different.

The secrecy and lying would be the killer for me, the fact he has never told you and also allowed you to put your gift into joint bills is awful.

You see, for me, I wouldn’t want to ask him to pay more - he should’ve worked it out and if he were decent he’d want to contribute properly.

His Christmas behaviour would be the end for me.

Would you be entitled to benefits if he didn't live with you?

Would you have to move if he left?

I'd certainly be telling him he needs to up his contribution to take into consideration the cost of living rises and he pays 50% of the food bill. Especially if you have to dip into savings to cover an expensive month. If he refuses and tells you he can't afford it I'd be questioning the relationship. There's no way I'd watch the person I lived struggle for money if I'd just been given 2k

OP, how old is he and what is his salary?

You need to find out what he earns my love. He needs to pay more but if he's been stringing you along with this 'it's all I can afford' you need to end your relationship and chuck him out immediately. You can't be in a relationship with someone who abuses your trust x

It's his money not yours. YADBU!

£600 a month all in and he says he can't afford more? He's massively taking the piss.

He’s taking the piss, even before you factor in that you have to use any Christmas money of yours on living expenses and he doesn’t do the same.

Apart from some contribution to bills, what do you get from this relationship? Because it doesn’t seem to be true partnership, or any kind of promise for a future together. He’s had his feet under your table for 3 years while you’ve scrimped and he’s either saved or squandered.

How does he treat your son?

he pays me £600 a month-our rent alone is £1000 plus £180 council tax, £200 energy, water, food, etc)

That doesn't sound too out of whack.

Of course it's out of whack.
OP is underestimating - maybe because she's normalised paying over the odds to keep this man.
There is no way that £200 covers energy, all utilities & food for a month.

She also pays for any extras they have had, like weekends away, & now can't afford a new mattress or sofa because she is subsidising a grown adult who is abusing her generosity while squirrelling away his own secret savings.

He's taking you for a complete mug.

And taking away money/savings from your son.

The OP is subsiding him on the basis that she earns more. It's hugely inappropriate that he is keeping gifts out of the equation and enjoying he subsidising his lifestyle. Don't you?

I'm surprised people are telling you yabu. You're not. Your subsidising him so he can save his 'christmas money'. That's completely ridiculous. I'd honestly consider leaving someone over this. It's one thing if all your finances are equal but that you are subsidising him changes it. Fuck this completely.

Then wouldn't you say the same about earning? Why should the OP be subsiding him and funding his lifestyle? It's HER earnings after all. So it's ok for him to enjoy her earnings but not for her to enjoy his gifts. Geez people. Raise the bar.

I would be furious it hasn't once occurred to him to put that money towards household expenses. Maybe not all of it, but a good chunk.

It's a real insight into his selfish mindset. And the fact he didn't tell you how much it is shows he knows deep down that he should be sharing that money.

What an appalling self centered manchild he is.

Yet you feel her earnings are his? She is subsidising him. He's not paying equally towards bills but you are ok with this because of what? Why are her earnings fair game but his Christmas money ring fenced?

@pocketvenuss how bills are split is up to them. But if a gift is given to someone is expected by the sender that is for that person!

They've chosen to live together. She's chosen to accept the financial mis-balance in living costs she currently finds herself in, by living with it for however long she has been. She's made her bed as they say, lay in it. Or if she's unhappy with their arrangements, she needs to be proactive about actually having a conversation with him about it, rather than asking a bunch of strangers on the internet.So yes, in this situation, I would.

Absolutely.