Page 5 | Partners Christmas money

TinyMummyToOne · 2022-12-26T19:48:35+00:00

My partner and I have been together 4 years. This was the first year I’ve been there when he opened his presents from his parents. One of which was a cheque, which came with the apology that it wasn’t as much as usual as they’ve had to spend money on stuff this year. He didn’t think I’d seen him open it as I was doing something else at the time. It was for £2000. He’s never mentioned getting this at Christmas before, or said anything about it this year. I only know how much it was for because I’m a nosy cow and I had a look. AIBU to be annoyed that he’s never mentioned this? We live month to month. I earn more than he does and the rent he pays doesn’t cover what it costs for him to live here, but as he pays “as much as he can”. We’ve never been abroad since we’ve been together as we’ve not had the money but we’ve had a few weekends away that I’ve paid for. We need a load of new stuff for the house like a sofa and a mattress but we can’t afford those things at the moment. The last few Christmas’s I’ve had to put the £100 or so I’ve received into our bills pot so we can afford January. I’m annoyed he keeps this quiet but as it’s his Christmas money and he’s free to do as he pleases with it, I’m not sure I can justify my annoyance.

Lampzade · 27/12/2022 07:17

He is a cheeky fucker. You have been subbing him for years and yet he has been receiving money from his family and you were not even aware that he was receiving this money every Christmas
If you were not living together, my response may have been different.
However, you share your life together, pay bills etc
I would be furious

Original poster

TinyMummyToOne · 27/12/2022 08:59

Wow I wasn’t expecting so many responses! To give you all a bit more perspective and answer some if the questions:
I have a 6 year old who is not my partners. When he moved in 3 years ago we decided on a rent amount that seemed fair based on what the costs were and how much he could afford. Now that figure is very outdated (he pays me £600 a month-our rent alone is £1000 plus £180 council tax, £200 energy, water, food, etc) but I’ve bought it up before and “he hasn’t got anything spare to give me” so I’ve just had to suck it up or the bills don’t get paid. He knows money worries are affecting my mental health.

He rarely treats me to anything and is no more generous after Christmas.

From his parents I got some hand cream, a hot water bottle and a windowsill herb planter.

Regards him keeping it as his security in case anything happens…I get that but if I can’t afford to save for my security because I’m subsidising him, why should he?

If I’d received that much from my parents we’d getting a holiday and a new mattress!

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 27/12/2022 09:07

You need to sit him down and spell it out that this isn't acceptable.

Ivyonafence · 27/12/2022 09:11

TinyMummyToOne · 27/12/2022 08:59

Wow I wasn’t expecting so many responses! To give you all a bit more perspective and answer some if the questions:
I have a 6 year old who is not my partners. When he moved in 3 years ago we decided on a rent amount that seemed fair based on what the costs were and how much he could afford. Now that figure is very outdated (he pays me £600 a month-our rent alone is £1000 plus £180 council tax, £200 energy, water, food, etc) but I’ve bought it up before and “he hasn’t got anything spare to give me” so I’ve just had to suck it up or the bills don’t get paid. He knows money worries are affecting my mental health.

He rarely treats me to anything and is no more generous after Christmas.

From his parents I got some hand cream, a hot water bottle and a windowsill herb planter.

Regards him keeping it as his security in case anything happens…I get that but if I can’t afford to save for my security because I’m subsidising him, why should he?

If I’d received that much from my parents we’d getting a holiday and a new mattress!

So everyone else's costs have gone up but his. No cost of living crisis for your DP, he has you picking up the shortfall.

You need a serious conversation about finances, and to pull back your support of him. It's incredibly unsexy to be a grown adult unable to pay your own way, let alone someone who watches you worry about money as a single parent but still feels fine tucking away thousands of pounds while you cover his bills.

MeinKraft · 27/12/2022 09:11

LTB. He's taking money for essentials from you and your son whilst hoarding thousands for himself.

Mentalpiece · 27/12/2022 09:13

Maybe he's putting it in his secret runaway fund.
You know, like mumsnetters advise other women to have.

Ivyonafence · 27/12/2022 09:16

Also it's at least every Christmas.

I'm guessing parents who give £2000 or more at Christmas give lump sums at other times as well. This might be the tip of the iceberg.

LimeCheesecake · 27/12/2022 09:17

Would you be better off if he moved out? Would you be entitled to more benefits that would cover his contribution as well as having lower bills? If so, you need to ask him to leave - he doesn’t see you as a joint unit so you need to act like you aren’t a joint unit.

Ivyonafence · 27/12/2022 09:17

Mentalpiece · 27/12/2022 09:13

Maybe he's putting it in his secret runaway fund.
You know, like mumsnetters advise other women to have.

Mumsnetters also advise people to make their own money and be able to support themselves.

AlexaM86 · 27/12/2022 09:34

What is the difference in salaries? Does he buy anything else for the house? £600 vs £1380+ isn’t insignificant, especially when DC isn’t his. I wouldn’t expect 50/50 if there’s a large disparity in salaries.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/12/2022 09:37

TinyMummyToOne · 27/12/2022 08:59

Wow I wasn’t expecting so many responses! To give you all a bit more perspective and answer some if the questions:
I have a 6 year old who is not my partners. When he moved in 3 years ago we decided on a rent amount that seemed fair based on what the costs were and how much he could afford. Now that figure is very outdated (he pays me £600 a month-our rent alone is £1000 plus £180 council tax, £200 energy, water, food, etc) but I’ve bought it up before and “he hasn’t got anything spare to give me” so I’ve just had to suck it up or the bills don’t get paid. He knows money worries are affecting my mental health.

He rarely treats me to anything and is no more generous after Christmas.

From his parents I got some hand cream, a hot water bottle and a windowsill herb planter.

Regards him keeping it as his security in case anything happens…I get that but if I can’t afford to save for my security because I’m subsidising him, why should he?

If I’d received that much from my parents we’d getting a holiday and a new mattress!

I'd be bringing him up VERY short on his phraseology alone.
"Haven't got anything to give you" - the patronising twat. You are not asking for a GIFT, you are asking for a fair contribution.

Have you spelled that out to him?
Because this update reads as if he thinks he has you over a barrel. You can't afford for him to move out, you can't afford to risk him threatening to, so he just keeps taking advantage while allowing you to carry the heavier burden of costs.

How do things work out with food shopping - who pays?
And who menu plans, shops, cooks, clears up?
What about the rest of the housework & mental load?

He sounds spoiled, like he's gone from mummy's house to yours. Did he?

You're not stuck with him btw - you don't have to just accept the unfairness because you can't "make" him cough up his fair share. You could have a lodger instead. So you don't need to feel trapped.
Regards him keeping it as his security in case anything happens…I get that but if I can’t afford to save for my security because I’m subsidising him, why should he?
Stop subsidising him & start saving FFS.
You shouldn't be compromising your own security so that he has more disposable money. Tell him so, & if he doesn't own how unfair he has been, & change his ways - swap him for a lodger, & start rebuilding your savings.
No man you have to shell cash out to keep is worth having.

Mentalpiece · 27/12/2022 09:38

Ivyonafence · 27/12/2022 09:17

Mumsnetters also advise people to make their own money and be able to support themselves.

Show quote history

He does apparently. He just doesn't put as much into the pot as the op would like, again like many other mumsnetters.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/12/2022 09:40

Ivyonafence · 27/12/2022 09:17

Mumsnetters also advise people to make their own money and be able to support themselves.

Show quote history

@Mentalpiece because it's usually the women who are left finding ways to keep children housed, fed & warm, not the men.

Also, this man doesn't need a secret running away fund. He can just ask his mummy & daddy to give him another nice lump sum, or move back home with them.

Lenald · 27/12/2022 09:44

TinyMummyToOne · 27/12/2022 08:59

Wow I wasn’t expecting so many responses! To give you all a bit more perspective and answer some if the questions:
I have a 6 year old who is not my partners. When he moved in 3 years ago we decided on a rent amount that seemed fair based on what the costs were and how much he could afford. Now that figure is very outdated (he pays me £600 a month-our rent alone is £1000 plus £180 council tax, £200 energy, water, food, etc) but I’ve bought it up before and “he hasn’t got anything spare to give me” so I’ve just had to suck it up or the bills don’t get paid. He knows money worries are affecting my mental health.

He rarely treats me to anything and is no more generous after Christmas.

From his parents I got some hand cream, a hot water bottle and a windowsill herb planter.

Regards him keeping it as his security in case anything happens…I get that but if I can’t afford to save for my security because I’m subsidising him, why should he?

If I’d received that much from my parents we’d getting a holiday and a new mattress!

Get him out of your home. You’d get more in benefits. He’s pathetic.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2022 09:48

Lenald · 27/12/2022 09:44

Get him out of your home. You’d get more in benefits. He’s pathetic.

Show quote history

Yep. He’s an expensive hobby you can no longe afford. The money you’re using to subsidise him is money you’re taking from your child. What a turn off.

coodawoodashooda · 27/12/2022 09:58

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2022 09:48

Yep. He’s an expensive hobby you can no longe afford. The money you’re using to subsidise him is money you’re taking from your child. What a turn off.

Show quote history

Well said. And he's okay about it. Pig.

Boulshired · 27/12/2022 10:01

does he pay £600 regardless of any extra expenditures? In all honesty I don’t think you are on the same page. £600 for lodging and food in his mind is the rate he’s willing to pay (cheap where I am) and you are his landlord who happens to be his girlfriend.

Nogreens · 27/12/2022 10:13

Yuck. I don't think there is anything to understand here. This man is living off you and your child.

liarliarshortsonfire · 27/12/2022 10:28

If he can't afford to pay more bills then you need to look at moving to somewhere less expensive

GabriellaMontez · 27/12/2022 10:37

Time to review his monthly amount. Especially due to recent increases. Seems like his income may be more than you thought. He should be paying his way.

If he can't, he could go back to mummy.

Pinkdelight3 · 27/12/2022 10:38

he pays me £600 a month-our rent alone is £1000 plus £180 council tax, £200 energy, water, food, etc)

That doesn't sound too out of whack. Your monthly rent split into thirds is £333 and the rest is his share of a third of the bills. You'd pay double what he does for you and DC, presumably with some contribution from DC's father. Food bills he should contribute to on an ongoing basis beyond the £600, but for household expenses it seems in the right ballpark for the overheads you mention. What do you think he should pay?

girlmom21 · 27/12/2022 10:51

Pinkdelight3 · 27/12/2022 10:38

he pays me £600 a month-our rent alone is £1000 plus £180 council tax, £200 energy, water, food, etc)

That doesn't sound too out of whack. Your monthly rent split into thirds is £333 and the rest is his share of a third of the bills. You'd pay double what he does for you and DC, presumably with some contribution from DC's father. Food bills he should contribute to on an ongoing basis beyond the £600, but for household expenses it seems in the right ballpark for the overheads you mention. What do you think he should pay?

Nonsense. He shouldn't have to only pay a third. The child isn't costing anywhere near as much as adults.

ChildcareIsBroken · 27/12/2022 11:00

If he paid his fair share and you weren't struggling, I'd say it's his money and he can spend it as he wishes. I'd still expect him to tell you though as £2000 is a lot.

But the fact that you have no savings and are subsidising him means he should add most if not all of this money to your joint account.

I agree with PPs it's time for a fair split of finances.

Original poster

TinyMummyToOne · 27/12/2022 11:00

@Pinkdelight3 the £600 is everything, including food

OP posts:

QueSyrahSyrah · 27/12/2022 11:00

IF you were contributing equally to the household and were comfortable month to month then sure, lucky him, a bonus amount to spend how he likes!

But that's not the case, and him squirrelling away money while the OP bails him out is fucking awful behaviour!

It concerns me that some upthread think that 'gift' money is different to 'real life' money even when there isn't enough of the latter. If your fridge was bare and your heating off due to lack of money and someone gifted you £250 would you really run gleefully to the high street with it instead of using it to fix the immediate issues?