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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners Christmas money

165 replies

TinyMummyToOne · 26/12/2022 19:48

My partner and I have been together 4 years. This was the first year I’ve been there when he opened his presents from his parents. One of which was a cheque, which came with the apology that it wasn’t as much as usual as they’ve had to spend money on stuff this year. He didn’t think I’d seen him open it as I was doing something else at the time. It was for £2000.

He’s never mentioned getting this at Christmas before, or said anything about it this year. I only know how much it was for because I’m a nosy cow and I had a look.

AIBU to be annoyed that he’s never mentioned this? We live month to month. I earn more than he does and the rent he pays doesn’t cover what it costs for him to live here, but as he pays “as much as he can”. We’ve never been abroad since we’ve been together as we’ve not had the money but we’ve had a few weekends away that I’ve paid for. We need a load of new stuff for the house like a sofa and a mattress but we can’t afford those things at the moment. The last few Christmas’s I’ve had to put the £100 or so I’ve received into our bills pot so we can afford January.

I’m annoyed he keeps this quiet but as it’s his Christmas money and he’s free to do as he pleases with it, I’m not sure I can justify my annoyance.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 26/12/2022 21:50

If they gave him 2000 in power tools would you want half? If it was 2000 in men's clothes, would you want half? No, you only want half because this benefits you.

It is a gift to him directly, in secret, from his parents. It is his to do with as he chooses. Granted, money might be tight elsewhere, but Christmas and birthday money is meant to ALWAYS be a treat! I'd be pissed off if I gave my best friend £50 and it went on an MOT for example. That money is for him and him only and I'd be upset if he used it on his partner.

I say stop being selfish.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 26/12/2022 21:55

Op wants- and rightly so - what extra back she has been covering when he was skint this year...

GirloutofAfrica · 26/12/2022 21:59

His Christmas money?! He is not 5 years old! And it's not a fiver. Tell him to stop pissing you about and start paying his fair share!

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 26/12/2022 22:02

C1N1C · 26/12/2022 21:50

If they gave him 2000 in power tools would you want half? If it was 2000 in men's clothes, would you want half? No, you only want half because this benefits you.

It is a gift to him directly, in secret, from his parents. It is his to do with as he chooses. Granted, money might be tight elsewhere, but Christmas and birthday money is meant to ALWAYS be a treat! I'd be pissed off if I gave my best friend £50 and it went on an MOT for example. That money is for him and him only and I'd be upset if he used it on his partner.

I say stop being selfish.

Really!
So why doesn't he mention the money?
Probably because he knows he's being unreasonable by not paying his way.
He could always keep 10% and put the rest in the family pot.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 26/12/2022 22:06

It's not your money, its a gift to him.By his parents. Stop subsidising him if you are getting annoyed that he is not contributing

ScrabbleRabbler · 26/12/2022 22:07

He’s a cocklodger. Freeloading off you while pretending to be skint.

fswaps · 26/12/2022 22:11

Wow that’s a generous present.

More to the point - about time you have grown up conversation about how you live, who incurs what costs and who pays for how you live.

Boulshired · 26/12/2022 22:13

She’s subsidising him because he’s portraying a person who has no means to contribute. It doesn’t matter how he came about the money taking money from someone when you don’t need to is disgusting and to do it to someone you supposedly love is disgraceful. He wasn’t given power tools or clothes, he was given money and instead of repaying the OP for her kindness he continues to sponge off her.

C1N1C · 26/12/2022 22:15

Let's turn the tables... if you had a woman earning less than a man, MN would be shouting out about having a nest egg if things went south... a woman should not be financially dependent on a man, she should always have something squirrelled away just in case. Otherwise we're in the "I can't leave because I can't afford to leave this monster" situation.

He earns less, who's to say this isn't his security? What could also be the case is that he is putting all this away for a rainy day or a deposit for you... you simply don't know.

Regardless though, this is a present for him... unless you feel you deserve half of all his presents?

Divebar2021 · 26/12/2022 22:21

He’s sneaky. It’s not about the money it’s about the deception. Why has he never mentioned the fact his parents were giving him large amounts of cash ? My DH received similar amounts of cash from his parents but I always knew about them - it was discussed in front of me. I never felt I had any particular say over the spending of that money but I wa never subbing him - he’s always been the higher earner. Time to ensure he’s paying 50/50.

roarfeckingroarr · 26/12/2022 22:21

You're absolutely not unreasonable. He's taking the piss massively.

templesit · 26/12/2022 22:25

It's the fact he's always kept the money secret that makes me worry. Seems dishonest and I'd wonder what else you don't know about.

KimberleyClark · 26/12/2022 22:34

If your parents gave you a cheque for £2k as well as other gifts, would you feel inclined to spend it on joint household expenses, or would you spend it on yourself or put it away? It’s a gift from his parents to do with as he chooses. If he’s not paying his share towards household expenses that’s a separate issue.

Tandora · 26/12/2022 22:42

Valid8me · 26/12/2022 20:08

I don't think that it is anything to do with you really, you are not married, have only been together 4 years and it is a gift to him from his parents.

You should make him contribute more fairly to the household expenses, but that is separate to his gift from his parents. I'm sure that they didn't give it to him so that he could buy a mattress.

Huh??? How can it have “nothing to do with” op when they are living together, sharing costs, and she is subsidising him.

magma32 · 26/12/2022 22:42

Well I think you’d be happy for him to receive it if he was contributing 50/50 but he’s not so you’re rightfully pissed off but that’s on you for subsidising him. Imagine you didn’t find out and you’d carry on this way, no point in subsidising eachother if you’re not married, it’s not family money where he needs to be transparent so you need to start thinking that way too. Unless you’re the one who wants him to live there so you’re essentially wanting to keep him. What happens if he can’t/won’t pay equally? Will he move out?

AcrossthePond55 · 26/12/2022 22:43

"I earn more than he does and the rent he pays doesn’t cover what it costs for him to live here, but as he pays “as much as he can”.

"But I will be addressing the unfair distribution of household bills, as that does not seem unreasonable."

I think it's very reasonable, but how do you intend to address it? Do you know what he earns to base your request on? Do you feel he should be paying his full 50% or do you feel he should be paying an income-based 'pro-rata' share?

Probably a good idea to figure out the way you want things divvied up before you discuss it with him. Be prepared for him to say he 'Can't afford to pay any more'. If you don't know what his earnings are, how will you counter that?

GabriellaMontez · 26/12/2022 22:47

Dishonest and sneaky.

Did he know you put your £100 in the pot for January? He watched you do that and didn't say anything?

He's selfish and I wouldn't believe a word he said.

Boulshired · 26/12/2022 22:50

It is perfectly Ok to subsidise someone in a relationship, I have been both the lower and higher earner and before joining financially together have paid percentages accordingly. What’s not OK is for the higher earner to go without whilst the lower earner has money in their account and more importantly not honest about it. At least with honesty the higher earner can make decisions on all the information. Until this Christmas there were facts the OP didn’t know, to the point the OP was paying extra to get through January whist her partner was saving or treating himself

AllTogetherAllAlone · 26/12/2022 22:51

I can understand your annoyance, I’d feel the same. He’s keeping it a secret. You’ve been putting in extra over the years and even topping up household money with your xmas money and he’s not said a word about his extra cash. I’d find that really sneaky.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/12/2022 22:53

Time to have the talk

Christmascountdownison · 26/12/2022 22:54

£2k is a ridiculous amount of money to gift for one, honestly how many of us have that kind of money to just buy whatever we fancy with? Do you actually know how much he earns OP or has he just span you a line?

GabriellaMontez · 26/12/2022 22:56

C1N1C · 26/12/2022 22:15

Let's turn the tables... if you had a woman earning less than a man, MN would be shouting out about having a nest egg if things went south... a woman should not be financially dependent on a man, she should always have something squirrelled away just in case. Otherwise we're in the "I can't leave because I can't afford to leave this monster" situation.

He earns less, who's to say this isn't his security? What could also be the case is that he is putting all this away for a rainy day or a deposit for you... you simply don't know.

Regardless though, this is a present for him... unless you feel you deserve half of all his presents?

Ha ha ! Theres always one... Yes in a totally different situation mumsnet would say this.

For eg if they had a child and he'd gone part time to look after dc and was pregnant and had missed opportunities at work...

IamSmarticus · 26/12/2022 22:56

Batshitkerazy · 26/12/2022 21:06

When, according to mumsnet, can the “only” be left out when discussing relationship length? Genuine question

Show quote history

I'm not sure where I would draw the line tbh! 4 years doesn't seem that long to me to be sharing a gift of money that was given to one person, not to both. If they had been together 10 or 20 years, I guess my answer would be different.

hosyyy · 26/12/2022 22:58

Defo a cocklodger.

Tell him to pay his fair share from now on and stop being so generous with him!

Tell him your skint! X

magma32 · 26/12/2022 23:03

C1N1C · 26/12/2022 22:15

Let's turn the tables... if you had a woman earning less than a man, MN would be shouting out about having a nest egg if things went south... a woman should not be financially dependent on a man, she should always have something squirrelled away just in case. Otherwise we're in the "I can't leave because I can't afford to leave this monster" situation.

He earns less, who's to say this isn't his security? What could also be the case is that he is putting all this away for a rainy day or a deposit for you... you simply don't know.

Regardless though, this is a present for him... unless you feel you deserve half of all his presents?

That doesn’t work the same way as the woman usually scuppers her career due to having a child Mat leave and by giving up work or going part time so she does the bulk of childcare and housework saving the man a lot of money and allowing him to focus on his career. That’s what leaves women vulnerable and that’s why there is the expectation on the man to subsidise her. I’d hazard a guess the dp hasn’t made any of these sacrifices so op can continue to excel in her career therefore deserve being subsidised. It would be very sad if op was not only subsidising him but also doing bulk of childcare, sick days and housework and this man gets to keep money to the side. Doesn’t matter if op is earning more what matters is what they’re both contributing to and whether that is fair or unequal. He could be setting himself up with another woman and leaving op to subsidising him.

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