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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partners Christmas money

165 replies

TinyMummyToOne · 26/12/2022 19:48

My partner and I have been together 4 years. This was the first year I’ve been there when he opened his presents from his parents. One of which was a cheque, which came with the apology that it wasn’t as much as usual as they’ve had to spend money on stuff this year. He didn’t think I’d seen him open it as I was doing something else at the time. It was for £2000.

He’s never mentioned getting this at Christmas before, or said anything about it this year. I only know how much it was for because I’m a nosy cow and I had a look.

AIBU to be annoyed that he’s never mentioned this? We live month to month. I earn more than he does and the rent he pays doesn’t cover what it costs for him to live here, but as he pays “as much as he can”. We’ve never been abroad since we’ve been together as we’ve not had the money but we’ve had a few weekends away that I’ve paid for. We need a load of new stuff for the house like a sofa and a mattress but we can’t afford those things at the moment. The last few Christmas’s I’ve had to put the £100 or so I’ve received into our bills pot so we can afford January.

I’m annoyed he keeps this quiet but as it’s his Christmas money and he’s free to do as he pleases with it, I’m not sure I can justify my annoyance.

OP posts:
liarliarshortsonfire · 26/12/2022 23:07

Time to have a sit down with him and sort the finances, he needs to start paying his fair share.

Margo34 · 26/12/2022 23:36

TinyMummyToOne · 26/12/2022 20:34

@Margo34 if there weren’t already trust issues, the OP would not need to be a nosey cow

What's a relationship without trust? It seems like you don't trust him but he also doesn't trust you from the little you've put here. I'd address that first, secondly fairness with finances, and maybe then he'll trust you to open up about his gift and you could trust him to be honest about it.

Margo34 · 26/12/2022 23:40

Cakeandcardio · 26/12/2022 21:16

Is it though? That's not how my relationship works. Of we get a gift- especially a substantial sum of money - then we might treat ourselves to new clothes but most probably we put it towards a holiday. If we were skint and needed something for the house, we would get that. I do not understand the concept of squirreling money away and being a dick by mooching off one's partner. I mean 'we' as in either one of us because I am part of a team that works together.

Show quote history

Your relationship sounds more functional than the OPs. In my relationship we are also a team, and if one of us receives a gift that could be shared on spent on the family, it often is but it is not expected and neither of us would consider the other unreasonable for wanting to spend it another way. It is the gift receivers choice as it's their gift to do with as they see fit! If we receive a joint gift, we decide together how it will be spent. We trust each other.

SD1978 · 26/12/2022 23:45

Do you have children with him, given your user name? If yes, then it's unreasonable, if no- when you are short on the bills he needs to be responsible for part of the deficit instead of you covering it.

girlmom21 · 26/12/2022 23:45

I thought YWBU until I saw you often put your own (minimal) Christmas money in to the pot to cover January expenses yet he's sat there silently allowing it, knowing full well he's got 20x that amount.

Nevermind31 · 26/12/2022 23:57

I have parents that from time to time deposit money into my account, just because, for me.
I have bought a new fridge, a TV, contributed more to our house deposit…
i wouldn’t dream of keeping it to myself.
so yeah, it is his money. It is your decision if you want to be with a selfish freeloader.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 27/12/2022 02:19

If he can't afford to pay his way whilst living with you, how would he afford to support himself if he were living elsewhere?

Fleabea · 27/12/2022 02:56

It is a gift from his parents to him rather than to you both as a couple so there is an argument that he probably should be allowed to fritter it away as he wishes. However....

For most people in a long term relationship, receiving a money gift as generous as that would usually be discussed between both of you to decide how that money can be used for something useful, e.g. a sofa that needs replacing or a new kitchen you are both saving up for etc.

I can therefore completely understand why you are pissed off that he has kept this money quiet whilst you have subsidised him all this time. If he only considers his assets as purely "his" but is expecting you to pay over and above then you need to seriously rethink where the relationship is going. Start with a chat and I hope he steps up!

Thingiemajig · 27/12/2022 03:05

Such a cocklodger, sponging of you instead of paying his way. Who cares where the cash came from, it’s irrelevant. He needed to use that cash to pay his way.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/12/2022 03:12

I'd wonder whether he was truthful about what he actually earns. You have a cocklodger there, op.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 27/12/2022 03:27

This reply has been deleted

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Fleabea · 27/12/2022 03:35

"This is not your money and not your present, mind your own business. You have no right to be anything. Low level gold digger"

A gold digger that has shared her own money to subsidise his rent? He seems perfectly happy to take her money when he has none yet not want to share his own money in the good times. That does not sound like a partnership.

FlowerArranger · 27/12/2022 03:37

he is not a keeper.
you've been warned...

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 27/12/2022 03:57

He is being selfish. You live together, a large amount like that should go into the family money not be secretly hidden.
Different situation but my friend has just split with her DH as she discovered (after 10 years of marriage) that he has built up over £100k of debt. Won’t admit where the money has gone. Won’t admit he’s done anything wrong. It’s financial abuse. Your situation now is not like that but it all starts somewhere..

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/12/2022 04:00

@KalvinPhillipsBoots she's not a very successful gold digger if she's subsidising her boyfriend.

Ivyonafence · 27/12/2022 04:25

It's a LTB from me.

He's crying poor to you, so that you subsidise his lifestyle. Meanwhile he's receiving annual (at least- perhaps they do they same on his birthday) windfalls in the thousands of pounds and not telling you.

If things are split down the middle then the other persons money is none of your business. But if one person is subsidising the other then they need to be truthful about money to make it fair. This isn't fair, OP, and you know it.

CuteBear · 27/12/2022 04:52

@KalvinPhillipsBoots did you miss the part where OP literally pays for everything and her boyfriend keeps all his money for himself claiming he doesn’t earn enough to pay 50:50? If anyone is the gold digger then it’s the boyfriend (a better word would be freeloader).

@TinyMummyToOne tell your bf that you saw the cheque and it’s unfair that you subsidise his living costs whilst you struggle. I bet he’s also fibbing on how much he earns each month (job and his parents). If he can’t see how wrong this is then it’s time for him to leave.

ShesFlirtyTurnedThirty · 27/12/2022 05:12

As an adult, if money is tight, then you don’t get to keep money from mummy and daddy because ‘it’s Christmas’. He clearly isn’t acting like an adult though so I’d send him back to mama and dada. No one needs a man child in their life.

HomeTheatreSystem · 27/12/2022 05:14

If he were contributing his fair share to the bills, then I doubt you'd be feeling the way you do about his £2,000 gift. You are subsidising his living expenses so it's understandable this sizeable chunk of "fun" money would annoy the hell out of you.

You need to tell him that he cannot sponge off you anymore and he needs to find, not only his self-respect, but ways of getting the extra money to pay his way. I have a feeling he's used to being indulged by his parents and is happy for you to continue in a similar vein.

ClarathecrosseyedLioness · 27/12/2022 05:17

@Changingplace I’d bring it up directly, say you saw his parents had been very generous with their gift but spelling out that you’re covering him financially month on month and you need to reassess your finances as a couple.

Absolutely this ^

Do it ASAP OP, he's taking the mickey.

BigChesterDraws · 27/12/2022 05:35

Why are you allowing him to pay less than it actually costs to keep him at your place? He’s not paying his fair share because you’re letting him get away with paying less. You’re not married. Tell him to pay more or leave.

Lenald · 27/12/2022 05:54

Valid8me · 26/12/2022 20:08

I don't think that it is anything to do with you really, you are not married, have only been together 4 years and it is a gift to him from his parents.

You should make him contribute more fairly to the household expenses, but that is separate to his gift from his parents. I'm sure that they didn't give it to him so that he could buy a mattress.

Are you ok? Wtf are you talking about, insane.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/12/2022 06:04

I’d be incredibly upset at this. You are a team player, sharing what you have and doing what you can to make a nice life for your family.

And he is keeping something all to himself which, by the sounds of it would make a massive difference to your family. And at the same time, receiving lots of other lovely parents from his parents. Do they assume he shares the money with you or spends it on something nice for both of you? I would if I were them. And I’d be horrified that he didn’t while all the time you were subsidising him. I wonder what they give him for his birthday???

And just generally any man who “pays what he can” towards rent is not a keeper. Paying the rent and having a stable roof over your head should be a priority as an adult and anyone who doesn’t prioritise that is financially suspect.

rainbowstardrops · 27/12/2022 06:25

I'd be furious! Yes, it's his gift but to let you put your own Christmas money into the pot to cover January when he's sitting there knowing he has way more, is outrageous!!!

As you've been together four years and are living together, surely his parents would consider that a joint gift?

What did they buy you?

Inapicklee · 27/12/2022 07:02

I’d be upset too.
In recent years, my dad has started gifting my sisters and I a substantial amount of money each Christmas (not as much as your dp though).

I usually put it towards a holiday for me and dp. I would feel grossly unfair just keeping it as we’re a team.

This year we’re coming up to a house move and I’ve had a lot of unexpected costs recently so I’ve put it towards that which isn’t much fun but it is extremely helpful.