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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

812 replies

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 11:18

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

OP posts:
Charlize43 · 27/12/2022 19:45

Just tell them that the money means a great deal to you and that you haven't stopped crying since they suggested reducing it.

Delectable · 27/12/2022 19:46

If the table were turned your brother won't be crying and going with the flow. Just as he did what he wanted in his marriage and with his work situation he'll do what he wants. If you wish to continue enabling him be irresponsible then sell all you have and give it to him.

I hope the way I've put it drives home the point. Wear your big girl pants hun!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/12/2022 19:49

Your siblings have already had a better deal than you:
-they've had the use of the money for longer
-none of what they received can be clawed back for inheritance tax

They've not just had the use of it for longer, but they effectively got more to begin with, as OP's share will have been seriously eroded by inflation, as well as house prices skyrocketing in the last 20 or so years.

I once knew somebody who was quite self-chuffed about his perceived financial acumen and he proudly told me that he could show me a way of financial planning by which I could guarantee becoming a millionaire in 40 years' time! I told him that I'd be very disappointed if I wasn't a millionaire four decades hence. I'd be no richer in real terms, but inflation over that time would surely mean that, on paper, all the numbers would be far, far higher!

echt · 27/12/2022 19:55

The OP has updated.

AngelinaSpin · 27/12/2022 19:56

Concur with this completely.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/12/2022 20:00

I think I might have a solution whereby the brother can get himself a tidy sum - get in touch with the Daily Mail and tell them that he thinks he's too important to get a job like anybody else but that everybody else should give him their money instead so that he can still have lots of nice things.

They can take 36 photos of his sad face, 49 photos of him sitting in the driving seat of his brand new Merc, 114 photos of his bank statement showing the remaining 50% tidy sum that he was given but has decided that he shouldn't be expected to spend - all with his flatscreen TV and wedding photos of him and his ex-wife (the one who did the dirty on him by not stopping him from cheating on her) in the background. They will need to know how much his house is worth, though.

They'll pay plenty for his story - just think of all the clickbaity froth that it will generate in eyeballs for the advertisers! What's more, if you can somehow persuade him to put on a VERY leggy display whilst flaunting his ample assets, they'll likely double it.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/12/2022 20:04

The OP has updated.

Yes, but the brother hasn't magically seen the error of his ways and vowed to atone for his shocking treatment of everybody involved.

Just because he's been thwarted for now, he sounds 100% like the sort who will definitely be redrawing his battle plan and finding another 'justification' as to why everybody apart from himself needs to provide for him.

LlynTegid · 27/12/2022 20:09

He cheated. Enough reason to say no.

bearess1978 · 27/12/2022 20:09

I did read it Zonder

LaLuz7 · 27/12/2022 20:13

bearess1978 · 27/12/2022 20:09

I did read it Zonder

Did you ey?

Longbarn5 · 27/12/2022 20:17

Agree with what others have said. Your brother has had his share and he can absolutely work for someone else. To be honest, I'm not really sure if it was reasonable of your parents to even ask you this. If you had had your share previously they wouldn't have been able to do so. Apart from this, our brother has brought some of his issues on himself so you should absolutely say no go the reduction.

chilly32045 · 27/12/2022 20:17

The fact that you have a genuine need for it is the main factor. It’s not like you’re saying you just want it because that’s how much they received. Using it to be able to stay of work with your child is the perfect way to spend it and well worth it.

discofizz · 27/12/2022 20:20

MissMarpletheMurderer · 26/12/2022 11:22

Yabu, just say no. We all make life choices and have to live by them. He was very lucky to have such a leg up in the first place .

Ultimately your relationship with him is ruined anyway.
If he gets the money you will never feel the same about you or your parents, so you may as well keep the money and have a rocky relationship with your family as at least then you will have the money.

100% this. Smartest comment I’ve seen on mumsnet yet.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/12/2022 20:34

Well done for standing up for yourself op!

Iloveacurry · 27/12/2022 20:41

Well done for standing up for yourself. Your brother should get himself a job and perhaps sell his ridiculously expensive car if he needs the money!

Gardengirl108 · 27/12/2022 20:44

Maybe your parents think your brother is being a CF and are leaving the decision with you to avoid them having to say no to him themselves? And it’s not an inheritance, it’s a handout. If you don’t want to agree to this, they’ve given you the option to say no. Tell them how you feel.

Maria1982 · 27/12/2022 20:50

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 12:25

He still has his 50% of his share but he's saving it for his future apparently. And may parents are right in thinking he'll need every help he can get if he carries on living like he is.

Show quote history

Well then- it sounds like he will always need more ! He can be a bottomless pit of help from your parents. All the reason to say No!

really though. Please say no. Please tell your parents how you feel. Put yourself first (therapy should help with that too…).
To be honest either way family dynamics will change. If your brother takes the money you will be rightly resentful. And you know he won’t be grateful !

amonsteronthehill · 27/12/2022 20:55

Say no. Seriously. Say no. Your relationship is toaast anyway, and he's essentially asking for his inheritance AND yours because he doesn't want to get a job like everyone else.

Too fucking bad, that!

Tell your parents no, that's not fair, and it's even more unfair to ask you to do this.

Greenpolkadot · 27/12/2022 20:59

Why are you crying ? Just tell them no . DB has already had some of his share.
Thousands have suffered through covid so hes not the only one

CarrotCake84 · 27/12/2022 20:59

Say no but it’s concerning you’re all still relying on money from your parents.

Schnooze · 27/12/2022 21:02

Both your siblings have already received more than you in reality. By taking their money earlier and investing it in property, they will already have benefitted by huge house price rises.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/12/2022 21:06

The fact that you have a genuine need for it is the main factor. It’s not like you’re saying you just want it because that’s how much they received. Using it to be able to stay of work with your child is the perfect way to spend it and well worth it.

I disagree: the main factor is that it is OP's fair share, as promised long ago - the same as (well, less than, owing to inflation) her siblings have already had.

Even if she wanted to blow the whole lot on a round-the-world cruise-ship casino, she would be 100% justified in so doing. It's not like her brother has any kind of good reason why he needs her share too, he just doesn't want to bother working - and he still has half of his own share left, but would rather hang on to that and blow her share instead!

I wouldn't be in the least surprised if, in due course, the brother starts sniffing at the parents' remaining funds and giving endless 'reasons' why he (not his sisters, mind - just him) needs it far more than any charity does.

kazlau · 27/12/2022 21:09

You must say what you feel. They’ve asked you. If you just comply you can’t complain about the reduction. I find it bizarre they even asked you. He’s had his and now he’s back for more? Is he the baby of the family?

XanaduKira · 27/12/2022 21:14

Read the Op's posts @kazlau - she told her parents no and they agreed. She's getting all her money.

kazlau · 27/12/2022 21:19

Thanks for the update.