To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

Exactly this. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want to settle for less so that they can further support someone who has blown up his life as a result of his own poor choices.

Well maybe if you had done, then you would have known that the OP has already raised it with her parents, and she is getting her share!!

@MoMuM7 I think your sister should know the whole sorry tale. I know it's not your battle to fight but your lazy, conniving, selfish, scheming, cheating bastard of a brother is going to work his way through everything your parents have. Their remaining money is for them! Someone who doesn't work and is complaining that his flat isn't good enough for his kids, yet treats himself to a swanky new Merc?? Sex addict - me hole!! He doesn't need more money - he needs a good sharp kick up his arrogant, entitled hole! He will leech all they have and then dump them when they have no more to give him.

Hope your parents come good for you on this. They should never have even entertained the idea of subbing him from what was morally and rightfully yours! That's unforgiveable, both for him to ask and them for considering it.

Wow OP your situation sounds so much like my family - DB1 is the favourite golden boy, he's perfectly able to earn money and does, but he is constantly going to my parents for money, which he inevitably gets. He's always seen as 'poor him', even when he's doing fine, and spending loads of money on unnecessary things, he's always complaining of being skint but spends on what he wants then is unable to pay for essentials like electricity bills so goes to my parents; whereas my other DB2 and I are seen as never needing assistance, even when it's clear we've hit very bad patches. DB2 and I have gone low/no-contact with DB1 because of his extreme selfishness; he may end up with all the family money eventually, but he will never have any dignity or integrity.
OP well done to you for standing up for yourself. And I'm glad your parents are going to give you your full share.

"Numbers hey" is just determined to be the centre of attention, aren't they?

Like a 5 year old at their baby brother's Christening who insists on doing a song-and-dance routine to get the attention away from the baby.

"Look at meeeee!"

Have you tried running with scissors @704703hey? That might get you a bit of attention.

Aren’t inheritances supposed to come after death?!

I think you have to tell them how you feel , if you go along with it ,and resent it and alter your feelings towards your parents without stating your case you will regret it forever .

I'm really glad this worked out well for you, OP.

Bravo! You told them and I think that’s a massive step forward. No more doormat. Well done, seriously.

Can you just be completely honest with them as you have been here? Explain that you had been hoping to take some more time off with your DC while they are small and you can't afford to do so without it. Maybe add that you'd like to work fewer hours for a while until they go to school and you were counting on that financial security.They can't argue with that surely?

Should have read the full thread! You handled it brilliantly!

Well done for standing up for yourself and having that difficult conversation. You won't regret it. Sorry to say, but your brother sounds like he would have squandered it and it would have been nothing but regret. You've waited a long time for it, hope you get to enjoy it now.

I know it's not your battle to fight but your lazy, conniving, selfish, scheming, cheating bastard of a brother is going to work his way through everything your parents have. Their remaining money is for them! Someone who doesn't work and is complaining that his flat isn't good enough for his kids, yet treats himself to a swanky new Merc?? Sex addict - me hole!!

It's actually breathtakingly calculated CFery, isn't it? Make up an excuse to 'justify' your poor behaviour that led to your self-inflicted loss of a lot of money; and then twist that excuse into a faked 'worthy cause' for which you supposedly need more financial support - and then spend that deceitfully-gotten money on luxuries for yourself.

He really is one of those people who believes the entire world is there just for him and everybody else just exists solely to provide him with what he wants, doesn't he?

I don’t quite understand all these people drawing a distinction between an inheritance and a gift. An inheritance is a gift too: nobody is entitled to either. (Although there is a presumption that parents wish to treat children equally, so that children who receive larger inter vivos gifts get a commensurately reduced inheritance. This supports the OP’s instinctive view that, in circumstances where this family is lucky enough that the parents can make gifts to their children, it’s unfair for the brother to get more.)

I think the devastation OP felt was from the realisation of how her parents favoured her brother more than her, which can be heart breaking. Plus how her brother could even suggest such thing ( if he did suggest to her parents). But that is done. Now as for the inheritance, I would just say NO to reducing my share and it's up to what my parents wants to do. It's all beyond my control. At least I was honest with myself and to them. And I wasn't letting myself being 'cornered'.

He sounds vile! I just don't understand how his parents can't see what's right in front of their own noses! They need saving from themselves!

Plus how her brother could even suggest such thing

It's like a grand scale version of the CFs who ask if they can tack their bit of shopping on to your bill, as they 'don't want to break into a £20 note' - even though their shopping costs £17.83!

I'm guessing you didn't bother reading even just the OPs posts @bearess1978 😆😆

I don’t think you should ever be entitled to anything from your parents but I honestly think you should treat your children equally regardless of who’s better/worse off. My children will always get exactly the same because the last thing as parents you want is sibling rivalry and fall outs because you have gave more to one. Your brother has had his lot…maybe he should of thought of his own financial situation before he cheated!

If I may... I disagree. He does not need financial help. Giving him money enables his destructive behaviour. Giving him love and emotional support is all you can do. If his children really do need something it can be paid for directly. He cannot be trusted to handle any money meant for his children, housing etc. Good luck to your family. You have a difficult road ahead still. I hope your parents will gain some strength from you to ensure their own financial security.

Please don't be a pushover. You will be no better thought of by your parents or siblings either way. So, you may as well get what you were told you could expect. Your brother cheated and there were consequences - why should you suffer for his very poor decisions. If you don't do this - you will start to feel resentful and bitter. You are only doing it for your health and well being - not a trip around the world 1st class.

Your siblings have already had a better deal than you:
-they've had the use of the money for longer
-none of what they received can be clawed back for inheritance tax

If you're feeling particularly generous, you can tell your parents that you're happy to pay for your brother to have a session with a careers advisor 😁

Just say no. Your brother is an entitled wanker, I'm afraid and deserves to experience the consequences of his actions otherwise he will never learn.

And you can tell your parents that you're saying no for his own good, just like you'd treat your own children to learn that actions have consequences!

You are not unreasonable. Your brother is in this situation because of his behaviour. Actions have consequences. I think it is unfair to expect you to have less because of him making a mess of things and also not pushing himself to get a job.