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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf with adult children; feel like a mistress

155 replies

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2022 08:10

Bf and I are in early 50s and dating 5 months, see each other 3 X a week. My mother died in Oct, so first Christmas without her. He has been separated for 2.5 years from his wife. He has 2 children. He hasn't told them he is in a relationship because the eldest (24) has told him she doesn't want to know about that side of his life and flipped out when told about a previous relationship, he says he can't deal with that again, the younger aged 22 would be fine though. The children are spending from Christmas Eve to 27 with him as their mother has gone abroad and it will be the first time the children have Christmas without her. Both children have boyfriend's. He has called me on Christmas Eve and Christmas day while the children weren't there ; one day they had gone to the shops and yesterday while he took the bins out. Barely a message in between and I can't call him as his children are there. I feel a bit crap to be honest. I am trying to see it from his perspective in that he is thrilled to be with his children but I feel neglected and sad and really like his mistress rather than his girlfriend. AIBU?

OP posts:
cantsing · 26/12/2022 08:14

I can see why he is being cautious, they've recently lost their mum and you've only been dating 5 months. It's up to you how you feel about it long term though.

PicaNewName · 26/12/2022 08:15

cantsing · 26/12/2022 08:14

I can see why he is being cautious, they've recently lost their mum and you've only been dating 5 months. It's up to you how you feel about it long term though.

They haven't lost their mum.

Mummieslncorporated · 26/12/2022 08:16

cantsing · 26/12/2022 08:14

I can see why he is being cautious, they've recently lost their mum and you've only been dating 5 months. It's up to you how you feel about it long term though.

No, op has recently lost her mum. The children's mother is abroad.

AutumnCrow · 26/12/2022 08:16

cantsing · 26/12/2022 08:14

I can see why he is being cautious, they've recently lost their mum and you've only been dating 5 months. It's up to you how you feel about it long term though.

I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick there, @cantsing

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2022 08:17

cantsing · 26/12/2022 08:14

I can see why he is being cautious, they've recently lost their mum and you've only been dating 5 months. It's up to you how you feel about it long term though.

Thank you for posting so early!.... Actually my mum died recently not the children's; theirs has gone to visit relatives abroad, but I appreciate she isn't there at Christmas in person for them.

OP posts:
MilkyYay · 26/12/2022 08:17

Its only been 5 months, its hardly a long term relationship. Give it time. Do you not have your own relatives to see at christmas?

Member869894 · 26/12/2022 08:17

I would run a mile from this man if he's prepared to tolerate this behaviour from his adult dd

MissBattleaxe · 26/12/2022 08:17

They haven't lost their Mum. The OP had lost her mum. The boyfriend has been separated for 2.5 years and his kids Mum is on holiday. Personally he needs a word with his selfish daughter. He's in his 50s FGS.

Blinki · 26/12/2022 08:17

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RampantIvy · 26/12/2022 08:18

cantsing · 26/12/2022 08:14

I can see why he is being cautious, they've recently lost their mum and you've only been dating 5 months. It's up to you how you feel about it long term though.

It's the OP who has recently lost her mum.

It's a tricky one. Maybe he wants to see how the relationship pans out before he wants you to meet his DC. After all the advice on here is that months is too soon when you have young DC.

Gensola · 26/12/2022 08:18

They’re adults so he is being ridiculous- it’s one thing if they don’t want to meet you etc, that’s they’re choice but he needs to tell them he’s dating whether they like it or not. They don’t get to dictate his relationships, imagine if he tried to dictate theirs!

CrapBucket · 26/12/2022 08:19

I understand how you are feeling... though, if this is truly because he is putting his children first I find that a very attractive trait.

I notice he is separated rather than divorced though. Are you sure he is over his wife?... (asks the 1.5 year separated poster whose husband sent me soppy presents and a card expressing his undying love yesterday, wanker)

cantsing · 26/12/2022 08:19

Mummieslncorporated · 26/12/2022 08:16

No, op has recently lost her mum. The children's mother is abroad.

Show quote history

Ah my bad sorry OP.

Still 5 months is quite a short time I'd say.

Mummieslncorporated · 26/12/2022 08:20

This is tricky. I have children of a similar age, and I feel like if one was to behave like that, I would not be tiptoeing around it like he is. She needs to realise that he's an adult with his own life to live.

But it has only been five months. I would let it go at this stage - but I wouldn't be willing to put up with it after a year or so.

cantsing · 26/12/2022 08:20

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2022 08:17

Thank you for posting so early!.... Actually my mum died recently not the children's; theirs has gone to visit relatives abroad, but I appreciate she isn't there at Christmas in person for them.

Show quote history

Yes sorry OP xx

I hope your day wasn't too bad xxx

Warspite · 26/12/2022 08:21

It’s early days.
Give it time.
A lot can happen before next Christmas which will tell a different story.
Put your big girl’s pants on and bide your time.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2022 08:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Thank you! It's more the fact that I can only speak to him when he calls me if they aren't in the house or he is putting the bin bags out

OP posts:
Landlubber2019 · 26/12/2022 08:24

I think he is being grossly unfair to you, I am sorry you lost your mum and he should be looking out for you as well as them. He could have included you for dinner, it didn't need to be grand gestures or PDA but he has let you down, I think you know this.. I would be reconsidering this relationship if he can not include you going forward.

WandaWonder · 26/12/2022 08:24

Although I do think the eldest reaction is very odd and surely she must realise he will likely have a partner one day?

But also you can only choose to be with him or not as he is now

Itsthewhitehat · 26/12/2022 08:25

It’s a fairly new relationship. I think it’s fine for his adult kids to not want to be involved at this stage. The oldest attitude may change when he has been with you a while.

But the adult child is under no obligation to be involved with you and I think the relationship is too new for him to decide Christmas with you is more important than Christmas with his kids.

Though, I lost my mum last year so get why you would feel you want more presence from him around this time.

I would possibly want to have a chat with him about what happens, long term if the oldest doesn’t change their attitude. The decide if this is something I want to continue. But I think this Christmas is just poor timing. New relationship, their mum away etc.

londonrach · 26/12/2022 08:25

You in a new relationship, just five months I totally think your boyfriend made the right call here. If this happens next year if still together I'd answer differently. Bringing in a new girlfriend at Christmas isn't the right way to do it. Sorry about your loss. Put on some Christmas film you love, open a bottle of something you love and something you love to eat and enjoy a Christmas doing what you like to do. Happy Christmas op x

Blinki · 26/12/2022 08:25

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2022 08:29

Itsthewhitehat · 26/12/2022 08:25

It’s a fairly new relationship. I think it’s fine for his adult kids to not want to be involved at this stage. The oldest attitude may change when he has been with you a while.

But the adult child is under no obligation to be involved with you and I think the relationship is too new for him to decide Christmas with you is more important than Christmas with his kids.

Though, I lost my mum last year so get why you would feel you want more presence from him around this time.

I would possibly want to have a chat with him about what happens, long term if the oldest doesn’t change their attitude. The decide if this is something I want to continue. But I think this Christmas is just poor timing. New relationship, their mum away etc.

Thank you, I just want to be clear. I think putting his children first is the right thing to do and I would not expect to be with him at Christmas. It's the not being able to speak to him by phone in case his children find out by accident.

OP posts:
PoseyFlump · 26/12/2022 08:33

Two and a half years is long enough for adult children to come to terms with the separation. I agree it may have been a bridge to far to invite you for Christmas dinner but perhaps if he has explained to them this was your first without your mum they may have understood.

At the very least he should have said 'excuse me for half an hour while I ring my girlfriend'. They then could have asked questions or not. How long after the separation did the first girlfriend happen? If it was pretty quick they might not have had time to process it.

CPL593H · 26/12/2022 08:42

I don't understand the "first Christmas without their Mum" thing, they are 22 and 24 with partners and she's on holiday. He is prioritising their (well, at least the eldest's) wishes to a ridiculous degree. They are grown ups.

Maybe after only 5 months spending Christmas solely with them is reasonable, but I can see the potential that this might be more ongoing. Not being able to call him because they are there? Nah. Either there is more going on than you know or he is a weak man.

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