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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf with adult children; feel like a mistress

155 replies

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2022 08:10

Bf and I are in early 50s and dating 5 months, see each other 3 X a week. My mother died in Oct, so first Christmas without her. He has been separated for 2.5 years from his wife. He has 2 children. He hasn't told them he is in a relationship because the eldest (24) has told him she doesn't want to know about that side of his life and flipped out when told about a previous relationship, he says he can't deal with that again, the younger aged 22 would be fine though. The children are spending from Christmas Eve to 27 with him as their mother has gone abroad and it will be the first time the children have Christmas without her. Both children have boyfriend's. He has called me on Christmas Eve and Christmas day while the children weren't there ; one day they had gone to the shops and yesterday while he took the bins out. Barely a message in between and I can't call him as his children are there. I feel a bit crap to be honest. I am trying to see it from his perspective in that he is thrilled to be with his children but I feel neglected and sad and really like his mistress rather than his girlfriend. AIBU?

OP posts:
Lenald · 26/12/2022 09:36

Am I the only one who thinks his behaviour is highly suspicious?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2022 09:38

KatherineJaneway · 26/12/2022 09:29

I think there is a difficult balance. It is a fairly new relationship, you’re had a major loss and his family circumstances mean it is his dc first year without their Mum present. If you were together longer then I would expect it to be different.

One thing, he won't discuss his relationship status with his eldest, even if just hypothetically. He said 'he can't go through that again', that would really worry me.

He explained that when he told her about a relationship in the past she got very upset and said a lot of things and apologised later but it took her over a week to recover... My gut feeling is that he wants her to know but more by accident, for example someone blurting it out or her seeing us on the street. It is as you say a difficult balance because I can't come between him and his daughter but by the same token he literally can't see it from any perspective other than his daughters.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 26/12/2022 09:40

I think YABU and a bit needy. It's a couple of days and he has called you.

He's prioritising his young adult children over Christmas. This is a good thing.

There have been a few similar threads this Christmas where women aren't getting enough from their boyfriends who have children. Maybe this life isn't for you, but he's not in the wrong.

PoseyFlump · 26/12/2022 09:41

I wonder if the girl's boyfriends were allowed to visit over Christmas? 🤔

Not texting seems strange. He doesn't have to declare who he is texting.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 26/12/2022 09:43

Run. It just gets worse. Who wants adults who act like this in your life. Precious.

SommerTen · 26/12/2022 09:45

When my mum was 50 and I was early 20s, she was dating and I was happy for her to unless she got used or treated really badly.

I did meet one of her boyfriends (too casual to call him a partner) and I didn't mind.
After all, I was dating too.

I think your boyfriend needs to be more honest with his children going forward OP, after all they have boyfriends themselves and are adults!

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mum x

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 26/12/2022 09:46

Spending Christmas just with his daughters is fair enough, but phoning you behind their backs is not. Do not contact him and refuse to be available until he is properly available. You can't depend on him and he's not honest. Find your emotional support elsewhere.

He explained that when he told her about a relationship in the past she got very upset and said a lot of things and apologised later but it took her over a week to recover...

A week? Is that all? I thought she must have had a mental health collapse or a months of estrangement for the fuss he is making about it.

My gut feeling is that he wants her to know but more by accident, for example someone blurting it out or her seeing us on the street.

Cowardice is not attractive.

EasterIsland · 26/12/2022 09:47

It’s perfectly fine for an adult DC not to want to know much about their father’s short term relationship. There’s a divorce in their family and you have no idea what those DC have gone through (been put through?) by their parents.

You’ve only been going out together for 5 months. Your boyfriend has had his DC for many times longer than that. You really need to get over yourself.

TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 26/12/2022 09:48

Hmm @Livelifelaughter 2.5 yrs is a very long time to hang about before getting divorced - if one or both parties are reluctant to proceed then they are giving the dc the hope they might reconcile.

FWIW when my ex decided he wanted out of the 25yr marriage (young adult and teen dc) we were divorced in 6 months, all financials sorted, straight split of assets.

Barwickunited · 26/12/2022 09:52

Lenald · 26/12/2022 09:36

Am I the only one who thinks his behaviour is highly suspicious?

Extremely suspicious tbh

DonutCrossMeIEatYou · 26/12/2022 09:53

I understand both sides. I think I’d feel the same if I were you, but equally 5 months is pretty new, so if I were him I wouldn’t be rocking the boat this early.

Christmas tends to amplify things. It’s really not a big deal. X

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2022 09:53

roarfeckingroarr · 26/12/2022 09:40

I think YABU and a bit needy. It's a couple of days and he has called you.

He's prioritising his young adult children over Christmas. This is a good thing.

There have been a few similar threads this Christmas where women aren't getting enough from their boyfriends who have children. Maybe this life isn't for you, but he's not in the wrong.

That's interesting because I wondered if I was being needy !

OP posts:
billy1966 · 26/12/2022 09:55

He sounds like a weak man and can only see things from his daughters point of view?

I think you need to be very careful, this precedence isn't great.

Look at your boundaries OP.

Not good to allow yourself be made to feel this way.

Stop being so available.

I would take a very hard look at his character.

Him being afraid to call or text you is the height of weakness, so unattractive.

Protect that heart of yours.

napody · 26/12/2022 09:55

Mummieslncorporated · 26/12/2022 08:20

This is tricky. I have children of a similar age, and I feel like if one was to behave like that, I would not be tiptoeing around it like he is. She needs to realise that he's an adult with his own life to live.

But it has only been five months. I would let it go at this stage - but I wouldn't be willing to put up with it after a year or so.

This.
It's obviously harder from your side as you've lost your mum this year. I hope you had company and a good Christmas Day x

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2022 09:55

DonutCrossMeIEatYou · 26/12/2022 09:53

I understand both sides. I think I’d feel the same if I were you, but equally 5 months is pretty new, so if I were him I wouldn’t be rocking the boat this early.

Christmas tends to amplify things. It’s really not a big deal. X

Thank you.... Interesting perspective.

OP posts:
AllIwantforChristmas22 · 26/12/2022 09:56

Agree you sound needy. 5 months is nothing and you spoke twice. How much more contact do you need? Were you expecting to spend Christmas together?

maybe you miss your mum?

Wdib78 · 26/12/2022 09:57

cantsing · 26/12/2022 08:14

I can see why he is being cautious, they've recently lost their mum and you've only been dating 5 months. It's up to you how you feel about it long term though.

Op has lost her mum, the step kids mum has gone abroad!

EasterIsland · 26/12/2022 09:57

I think it’s great that a divorced father is prioritising his family over a very new relationship.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2022 09:58

billy1966 · 26/12/2022 09:55

He sounds like a weak man and can only see things from his daughters point of view?

I think you need to be very careful, this precedence isn't great.

Look at your boundaries OP.

Not good to allow yourself be made to feel this way.

Stop being so available.

I would take a very hard look at his character.

Him being afraid to call or text you is the height of weakness, so unattractive.

Protect that heart of yours.

Thank you. I think I do need to protect my heart. It's such a balance though because a father and daughter relationship is special.

OP posts:
SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 26/12/2022 10:01

It’s ridiculous that he couldn’t even find 5 minutes for a chat apart from putting the bins out! Could he not even pop off for a cup of tea and text you in the kitchen without his darling getting upset?

I get that she may not want to spend time with a new GF or even hear all the gory details of his dating life but for him to keep you a secret is shit for you and doesn’t bode well for your relationship.

I’ll be honest, this is the main reason I don’t want to date single dads any more. I’m a parent but I also deserve a life - these men are so racked with guilt that they’re prepared to fuck over their new partner to appease their (usually) daughters. It’s pathetic.

I didn’t always spend the day with my XP at Christmas but we would always text and FaceTime - everyone can find a few moments of quiet in the day to themselves.

But these sort of issues were ongoing in my ex relationship (him suggesting lying to his kids when we went on holiday and telling them it was a business trip etc or hearing him on the phone to his DD and when she asked where he was, being evasive) really soured some nice occasions and made me feel as you say, like a mistress, for 9 years! I won’t be putting up with that shit again.

StickofVeg · 26/12/2022 10:01

If they have been separated 2.5 years then I'd say that's long enough for adult children to accept. However, is he string you along a bit? He isn't divorced yet, his family are not aware of you. Have you met any of his friends yet? I wonder if he's not quite so separated as he's said and hasn't been entirely honest.

MardyMincepie · 26/12/2022 10:02

If they were small children then exactly the right call but they are adults. My sister was widowed and she didn’t date till just over two years had passed. One of her children who was actually almost 40 behaved atrociously. This adult child still doesn’t accept the BF and never will.

To actually meet at Christmas for the first time would be a lot of pressure though I suppose.

Ignore needy comments, I’m the least needy person ever except when recently bereaved as it’s very hard.

Topee · 26/12/2022 10:03

You’ve only been together 5 months and he’s called you twice!

If it was this time next year I’d agree it was a problem but at 5 months in it wouldn’t bother me.

Karwomannghia · 26/12/2022 10:04

I can understand why he didn’t want to tell her right now or be at risk of her suspecting something. He doesn’t want to have that conversation over Xmas with her because, for whatever reason she’s struggling with it. A lot of adults say it was difficult when their parents split as adults.
however it is important to know that he will tell her, but maybe get their 4 days with their dad over first!

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2022 10:05

CandidaAlbicans2 · 26/12/2022 09:34

Hmm, I'd proceed with caution with this relationship in case his appeasement of his daughter continues long term, especially as he's admitted that he's keeping you secret as he can't deal with her flipping out again. At what stage will he tell them? Never?

After 2.5 years separated from their mum she should be able to get her head around him dating other women, and he's weak if he's not able to tell her straight. Was his split with their mum traumatic @Livelifelaughter

I am not sure if the break up was traumatic, it was a long marriage though. Sounds like one of those sad circumstances where the marriage was held together by the children and it dissipated once the children left for university.

OP posts: