Bf with adult children; feel like a mistress

[Livelifelaughter]

Bf and I are in early 50s and dating 5 months, see each other 3 X a week. My mother died in Oct, so first Christmas without her. He has been separated for 2.5 years from his wife. He has 2 children. He hasn't told them he is in a relationship because the eldest (24) has told him she doesn't want to know about that side of his life and flipped out when told about a previous relationship, he says he can't deal with that again, the younger aged 22 would be fine though. The children are spending from Christmas Eve to 27 with him as their mother has gone abroad and it will be the first time the children have Christmas without her. Both children have boyfriend's. He has called me on Christmas Eve and Christmas day while the children weren't there ; one day they had gone to the shops and yesterday while he took the bins out. Barely a message in between and I can't call him as his children are there. I feel a bit crap to be honest. I am trying to see it from his perspective in that he is thrilled to be with his children but I feel neglected and sad and really like his mistress rather than his girlfriend. AIBU?

Your boyfriend should have the balls to stand up to his own adult children. It is entirely up to them whether they want to meet you, but he should not expect you to be his dirty little secret.

I'd be worried this was a reflection of Christmas yet to come... You always being the dirty little secret that can't be mentioned or see over Christmas

Dump him! He’s showing you you’re not important to him. They are adults and you should be in the honeymoon period where he wants to show you off and be with you. Five months is a short time but long enough to know you mean enough to him to make your feelings valid. It will not get better, trust someone who knows how it feels to play second fiddle.

I can see why you feel like that. But I also get why he doesn’t feel the need to rock the boat with them, when the relationship is so new.

But I do think there needs to be an end plan. Does he expect this to go on forever? Or until he is sure (as he can be) the relationship is long term. I couldn’t live like this forever, but do get not wanting to tell someone who isn’t going to take it well.

He has been separated for 2.5 years from his wife.
are they separated or divorced?

I think he needs to man up a bit and tell his adult child to grow up! She's his baby and she can have a boyfriend, he can't move on after a divorce - pathetic! He perhaps feels guilty but he needs to remember he's got 1 life and his kids are adults and able to behave like adults and move on with their ridiculous emotions

Yes, I think that you have nailed it, in that he doesn't want to rock the boat with them. All his friends and family know, including his separated wife. I think his fear is that he will loose the bond with his oldest daughter, the younger one seems more emotionally mature.

Separated. But they intend to divorce in 2023, I have no doubts on that score.

YANBU op - you are also not being particularly demanding, I don't think, to expect him to be able to say to his adult and partnered children, "I'm just going to pop down the garden and wish my gf happy Christmas, yeah I've not been seeing her long, perhaps you'll meet her in 2023 if it works out long term." Still, it is what it is and only you know whether he's worth it. I would find his lack of assertiveness around his own children a bit of a turn-off, but only you know him and none of us are perfect.

I'd give it a bit of them then personally. I know they are adults but it's still a big thing for them.

Nope. For a Christmas where you needed support I wouldn't have been at all happy with this.

I think I'd be proceeding with a lot of caution.

Five months is infancy for a relationship.
And his adult children are young adults still so I understand his hesitance at not rocking the boat this year.

I think I'd be discussing this with him, not to berate him for this years caution but to set a clear path for next year.

Your relationship will be properly established by then and his children older with more distance from theirs mum and dads break up.

It sounds a bit soon and a bit raw still for his adult children.

The daughter's being immature and ridiculous and DP's pandering to her is worrisome. Fully understand OP feeling humiliated by his hiding her like a dirty secret and showing so little concern for her emotional well-being.

^This.

Also, OP, 2 things:
Why can't you message him? Is he not allowed any messages from any friends or acquaintances over Christmas?
They're not children. They're in their 20s and are adults.

Thank you. I raised the issue with him 2 weeks before Christmas and he felt if he spoke to his daughter at that time she would not have enough time to recover by Christmas. I think it probably would have been best if he had brought it up in November on the basis of " I have been seeing someone it's very early days etc" but she sounds so volatile.

Meh...if you were on your own he should have invited you...It's Christmas after all..no one should be alone if they don't want to be..

I wouldn't accept this OP. I would take it as him not caring about you much so what's the point of a relationship like that.

Just to be clear, I was with my own family. The issue is not being able to telephone him and basically only have contact when the coast is clear with his daughters.

I am assuming you only have his word for what happening with his daughter and how ‘volatile’ she is?

His oldest daughter sounds pathetic and embarrassing

I think there is a difficult balance. It is a fairly new relationship, you’re had a major loss and his family circumstances mean it is his dc first year without their Mum present. If you were together longer then I would expect it to be different.

One thing, he won't discuss his relationship status with his eldest, even if just hypothetically. He said 'he can't go through that again', that would really worry me.

“Recover” from what exactly has she got to recover from

her father having a relationship

is she that delicate she is going to her room with smelling salts or something to appease her fragile and delicate nature

with a daughter like that you will always be
2nd place

if your happy with that crack on

Hmm, I'd proceed with caution with this relationship in case his appeasement of his daughter continues long term, especially as he's admitted that he's keeping you secret as he can't deal with her flipping out again. At what stage will he tell them? Never?

After 2.5 years separated from their mum she should be able to get her head around him dating other women, and he's weak if he's not able to tell her straight. Was his split with their mum traumatic @Livelifelaughter

As a one off it’s ok. But I don’t entirely buy this story or the motivations behind it, so if the situation persists - I’d reconsider the relationship.

This.

Seeing him 3 times a week is a lot when it suits him.

His lack of concern for you recently bereaved, at a very lonely time, is to be noted.

I would protect yourself from getting overly involved here, he has other priorities and this could well be unchanged next year.

Proceed with care.

To be clear its the calls not the contact would be my issue.

My condolences to you.