Bf with adult children; feel like a mistress

[Livelifelaughter]

Bf and I are in early 50s and dating 5 months, see each other 3 X a week. My mother died in Oct, so first Christmas without her. He has been separated for 2.5 years from his wife. He has 2 children. He hasn't told them he is in a relationship because the eldest (24) has told him she doesn't want to know about that side of his life and flipped out when told about a previous relationship, he says he can't deal with that again, the younger aged 22 would be fine though. The children are spending from Christmas Eve to 27 with him as their mother has gone abroad and it will be the first time the children have Christmas without her. Both children have boyfriend's. He has called me on Christmas Eve and Christmas day while the children weren't there ; one day they had gone to the shops and yesterday while he took the bins out. Barely a message in between and I can't call him as his children are there. I feel a bit crap to be honest. I am trying to see it from his perspective in that he is thrilled to be with his children but I feel neglected and sad and really like his mistress rather than his girlfriend. AIBU?

This.

Take it from someone who’s been through something like this as the DD - since I was in my late teens. I decided to have as little as post to do with my father’s series of women. And that is my right and nothing to do with someone outside the family.

YANBU OP, I think it's right that he spends Christmas with them and not invite you, it's only 5 months BUT not texting or phoning you?

That's ridiculous and as PPs have mentionedit's a taste of things to come. They're not tiny kids, they're adults FFS.

I wouldn't like that at all!

He is just being cautious, op. I don't believe people should get their children involved in new relationships, even if they are young adults. In a year things might be different.

I can't imagine why you want to speak to him on the 'phone so much and anyway he has rung you a couple of times.

Enjoy being a mistress for a while longer, it has its compensations.

@Livelifelaughters maybe losing your mum is clouding your judgment OP. I lost mine moons ago but it still hurts, especially this time of year, and it's totally understandable that you're feeling sad and a bit unloved. Sorry if my initial response was a tad harsh; I've been that adult DC who didn't want to know (although in our case it was due to death not separation) and early 20s is no age, especially if it's rational thought you're looking for.

Maybe have a chat with your boyfriend after Christmas to put your mind at ease about his intentions long term. If things haven't changed by next year, I think it would be understandable to feel pretty aggrieved.

Love to you.

Bless you!

You are his mistress, though. Has he said that you can't be introduced to his family?

Thank you, just to be clear I am not suggesting that he should be spending Christmas with me.

Adult children can be more crazy about separation than young kids who just get on with it. Keep your options open and start dating again as yes children are important but not to be dictated to. Their father has sex so they need to grow up. If their father turned round and said he didn’t want to know their partners then that would be awful. Maybe an introduction on Xmas day would have been a bit awkward but to hide you away. Go and have a fabulous time with your friends and family at new year and don’t give him a second thought.

sorry about your mum though. Special events are even more poignant.

their mum is away and they are not even behaving like children who would be better behaved in this situation

It does not sound as though the daughter is objecting to your relationship. It sounds as though she is asking him to keep his romantic relationship separate from his relationship with her. Many people compartmentalize their lives for various reasons.

Yours is a fairly new relationship. He will need to decide how he wants to manage his life so that he can balance both relationships. You, like his daughter, will have to decide what you are comfortable with in terms of your relationship.

There really isn't any pressing need for you and the daughter to engage at this point. I would assume that since the daughter's both have relationships and may spend some time with their mother that they do not spend excessive amounts of time with their father.

Run for the hills been there done that should have knocked it on the head much sooner

To be brutally honest, I’d take for the hills.
Not because a man wasn’t introducing me to his adult children, after 5 months. But because he had an affair while being with his wife, broke up his marriage, and is now on at least his fourth “serious” relationship in 2 1/2 years (wife, affair, girlfriend and yourself). No wonder his kids are sceptical, I would be as well tbh.
I know that it’s not what you want to hear, but get out now.

It's a very extreme reaction from the older daughter. And it's weird that he can only contact you when sneaking around.
Was there ever a history of infidelity?
Oh, and sorry about your mum. Hope you're ok

My father died almost ten years ago. My mother has been seeing a new man for about 6 of those years. I couldn't be more happy for her - she spent four years grieving for my father and has had the chance of a new relationship in her 60s with a kind, respectful man who she is very happy with.

My sister, however, has lost the plot and has refused from the off, to spend any time in his company or even hear his name mentioned. This from a woman in her 40s! I think she's being ridiculously self centred and selfish. It hasn't stopped my mum having the relationship but it saddens her immensely that she can't share her joy with one of her daughters. It has driven quite a wedge between my sister and I, to be honest.

So be prepared that his daughter never changes her mind - it doesn't necessarily mean you can't have a relationship with your partner, but you might not be able to blend families in a way you hope.

Good Luck OP.

If I was sleeping with someone who did this to me ,that would be the end for me .
to be under his childrens thumb ,so to speak does not bode well
hes left you alone and upset at Christmas to pander to his children
in your shoes I’d be expecting it to be a long time before your part of his family ,if at all
I’d end it I think

It does feel a shame, but I have seen when people divorce with adult children, it creates more problems than when the children are young. Adult children think of their parents dating again as beyond the pale (and possibly that their parents should be together).

Your relationship is still young, this Christmas I think you have to be generous, next Christmas though i think you would have more of an input.

Adult kids are tricky and he sounds like he has recent fickle form. I would break i off.

FWIW. I met DP 2.5y into my separation. 7 months later we did Xmas day with the kids, friends and family... and my ex. It can be done but the behaviour of the parents sets the tone. My kids were 16, 14& 12.

Just had second Xmas together and did the same.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and that you are in a relationship were ypu weren't a priority at this emotional time of year. Xx

Every talking about how it’s us usually daughters that behave like this. Or calling the daughters names.

The daughter hasn’t actually done anything. She (probably) knows her dad had an affair. Her dad tried to involve her in a short relationship he had, which sounds like it wasn’t that long after he left her mum. yes she reacted badly. Then apologised. And that’s what we know of. It’s entirely possible she would be fine with the Op.

So many parents (usually men) who divorce when their kids are older, choose to involve their adult kids in their dating lives. Even when they aren’t serious relationships. And many (usually men) hide behind their adults kids to string partners along. They can’t do this or that, because their adults kids won’t like it. When often they have no clue what the adults kids will think. Or the adult kids are just a convenient excuse.

I can’t see anything here that suggests the adult daughter has done anything wrong apart from reacted badly a while ago. Then apologised.

I would totally understand where he was coming from if his kids were children. But they are grown adults. He and this 24 year old both need to grow up-they are being extremely inconsiderate. Ok if the 24yo feels this way about him being in a new relationship they may come round it is quite early days its a little sensitive however they should be grown up enough to still accept their dad is an adult and respect and accept his new relationship. They should accept he is going to want to phone you, see you, mention you. Hopefully in time (as in very soon) they will treat you better otherwise I’d be heading for the door. Good luck OP 💐

You ae definitely NOT being needy!! You just lost your mum and naturally want to be around your partner over Christmas. Wow this persons post is severely lacking in empathy. And this ADULT daughter needs to take a lead from their sibling- grown up and gain some acceptance.

Thank you, it might not be what I want to hear but it might be what I should hear.

The oldest daughter sees him a min of 3 times a week which on one hand is lovely but it also suggests to me that she sets the boundaries of the conversation..

It’s always very hard entering relationships when you’re a little older, you go from knowing what is being done,what is routine and normal to a completely new set up and have to accept another persons ways and often their family too.
5 months isn’t such a long time in the dating arena for a mature relationship and I think maybe because such a lot has changed for you, you have overthought this.
My partner of many years has grown up children and it took a while for me to be introduced, and understandably so - initially it was a casual thing and slowly it’s progressed to quite an intense thing but my situation allows for that.
To be honest I think it’s wise that you haven’t steam rolled their Christmas,partly because daughters can be quite possessive about their fathers especially if this is an expected and indeed tolerated reaction - Christmas is a very emotive time and more so for you.

so, my advice for what it’s worth is to take the relationship as it comes and as it grows you can step into his world and make it part of yours too.

Oh dear, I didn't realise this. I concur.

Terrible track record if you're looking for a LTR

Thank you, I understand where you're coming from. This feels very different to when I was 30 and even 45 .

also suggests to me that she sets the boundaries of the conversation..

She's his daughter, ffs. There is a relationship of 24 years there, and you have no idea what her father has put her through in terms of his philandering - an affair, a short relationship, and now seeing you for 5 months. That's just 2&a half years - what went on before that?