Bf with adult children; feel like a mistress

[Livelifelaughter]

Bf and I are in early 50s and dating 5 months, see each other 3 X a week. My mother died in Oct, so first Christmas without her. He has been separated for 2.5 years from his wife. He has 2 children. He hasn't told them he is in a relationship because the eldest (24) has told him she doesn't want to know about that side of his life and flipped out when told about a previous relationship, he says he can't deal with that again, the younger aged 22 would be fine though. The children are spending from Christmas Eve to 27 with him as their mother has gone abroad and it will be the first time the children have Christmas without her. Both children have boyfriend's. He has called me on Christmas Eve and Christmas day while the children weren't there ; one day they had gone to the shops and yesterday while he took the bins out. Barely a message in between and I can't call him as his children are there. I feel a bit crap to be honest. I am trying to see it from his perspective in that he is thrilled to be with his children but I feel neglected and sad and really like his mistress rather than his girlfriend. AIBU?

Doesn't matter the "children" are adults with their own partners.

They should realise their parents have their own lives outside them

Their mother has already shown this by going off to see relations abroad over Christmas.

If by Easter the OP's bf hasn't made it clear he's in a new relationship and the OP is here to stay, then the OP needs to dump him.

@Livelifelaughter
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! Everyone is saying that it's early days & he doesn't want to rock the boat & wants to be sensitive to his daughters' feelings etc.

I'd agree with that absolutely...if they were young CHILDREN...but they're fully grown adults with relationships of their own & their parents split up over 2years ago!!!!

How spoilt, immature & selfish must they be if their father can't even so much as mention that he's in a new relationship. He doesn't need to ram it down their throats or expect you all to play 'happy families' at Christmas, but come on! You're 5 mths in. You're both mature adults. He can at least mention it & tell them he's nipping off to call you or message you a few times!!

Of course his children take priority but they're NOT distraught little kids, upset at their parents' break-up! He's over-pandering to them & I'd worry a little about the precedent he's setting. What if they refuse to accept your relationship? Is that it?

This is BS.
Don't be so gullible OP, daughter my arse !!!
He is a grown man, he could ring you from garden, car, bathroom etc, and how would this daughter even know it was you ?
He has some one else there, listen to your gut feeling, it's there for a reason.
Text him your coming over as a surprise, then see his reaction, that will tell you all you need to know.

Well actually we normally speak a few times a day. Of course I feel sad because of my mum's death 2.5 months ago, I think I was expecting more support from him because of that.

I would try to meet other men and keep him on the back burner. I mean they are 22 and 24 not 2and 4 so I don’t see them ‘maturing’ to a better more accepting stage for ages.

This has summed it up for me too.

Yes, its a new relationship but not actual his first since his marriage breakdown.

Please consider how happy you are in all this.

Contrary to popular opinion, adults/teenagers do suffer terribly when their parents divorce. It does not get easier the older you get, infact all the children of divorced parents I know have said they would have preferred their parents to separate when they were much younger.
The idea that when you get to say 19 and you become completely unaffected by such things is ridiculous. Therefore I do have sympathy with the ops boyfriend and his children.
However, he really does need to stop hiding the fact that he has a partner from his children. He doesn’t need to force the op onto them but stop hiding it. Let it be one apparent naturally.

OP, sorry you lost your mum.

I don’t believe a word he’s saying about why you couldn’t be there Christmas day or even call you properly. This one ain’t a keeper. Agree with the earlier comment about sending a text saying you’re popping over for a surprise visit. Bet he’ll soon answer that message! Bullshitting bastard.

I agree, he is incredibly racked over by guilt. I have also heard that it's "usually daughters" It was his decision to end the relationship with their mother.

He needs to work on his daughter. If it's not you, she'll be unhappy with someone else, so its. It personal. Maybe the last gf didn't work out because of the DD, so he's worried it will happen again. She just needs to get over it.

It's not personal, I meant to write.

If I liked him in every other way, this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

As pp have said, you are still in the early days of your relationship, he has at least one previous relationship (since his marriage) that failed, and he knows his dd and how to handle her best.

In lots of ways I like the fact that he's prioritising his kids. He is obviously thinking about you and trying to snatch calls where he can, but doesn't want to be seen to be prioritising his relationship over them, giving them his undivided attention.

I know you say that you expected more support but are you alone at Christmas or are you also with family?

They're adults not kids and they get zero say in their father's relationships. They don't have to have to meet you, but they should know about you and you shouldn't be hidden like a dirty little secret. I'd not accept this as an ongoing situation.

Well we don't know anything about the dd do we. She might have mental health issues or fragilities that we know nothing about. She may have experience of him prioritising a relationship over her, or he may have let her down as a dad at some point and still be trying to make it up to her. She may have been treated badly by him last time he was in a relationship, cancelled plans etc. She doesn't have to be a spoilt tantrummy 24 year old to have said that she doesn't want to know about her dads love life until he's with a definite keeper.

I'm guessing he had an affair and his kids are still punishing him. But he really needs to find a way of moving forward in his relationship with them as this is really unfair on you.

Sorry about your mum.

I was trying to be circumspect on that point , but yes, although they don't apparently know.

I would instigate a conversation and see if he is able to see this from your POV. With their mother away this year I can see why he might have felt it was his duty to host Christmas for them, and that he couldn't bring in a new gf.

Next year they should be going to their mother's ?

I would deduce that if he doesn't / cannot/ won't tell them that he's in a relationship with you then in his mind it isn't serious. It isn't spending christmas day together serious.

I expect they know

I suppose my question would be how many years does he actually expect to keep you a hidden secret because he's being emotionally blackmailed by his 24 year old little princess who throws tantrums if he dares to have a life of his own? Honestly OP, this could still be how you spend your Christmases in ten years time. He needs to man up and stop letting his daughter rule his private life.

Of course they know. And he really needs to have a grown up conversation with them rather than getting you caught in the cross fire.

I'd walk away if I were you. He isn't ready for a relationship. He needs to fix the one with his children first.

Yes came on to say the same.

Is this the same relationship you are referring to that his daughter previously went apeshit over?

I think she's a spoilt brat and he's a turkey tbh.

You've said he only sees his Dd's point of view.. that would worry me the most to be honest. Does he not care about or understand your feelings too?
It's like you are not at all part of his life as soon as his adult kids are around, that's not fair. As others have said, fine if they don't want to meet you but he can't even mention a relationship and that he wants to make a call to you? Sounds like he's entirely under his DD's thumb and enabling her infantile, controlling behaviour. 5 months may be early days but your relationship sounds advanced enough since you see each other 3 times a week and speak multiple times a day.
And what if the DD is not "ready" to meet you for the next year or 2 - would he never mention you? What if she finally meets you and declares she doesn't like you and doesn't want you to be part of his life.. would he just let her dictate that too?
I know I'm putting a more extreme scenario out there, but it might be worth voicing your concerns and asking him some hard questions. You wouldn't want to find yourself 2 years into a relationship like that, having invested your heart and your time.

Every sympathy - he's not being fair to you. He needs to be clear with his kids that he deserves a life and they can't control what he is doing.

One of my kids are more resistant (his DD's and my other dd are fine) and I have been firm with her, she's coming around