Bf with adult children; feel like a mistress

[Livelifelaughter]

Bf and I are in early 50s and dating 5 months, see each other 3 X a week. My mother died in Oct, so first Christmas without her. He has been separated for 2.5 years from his wife. He has 2 children. He hasn't told them he is in a relationship because the eldest (24) has told him she doesn't want to know about that side of his life and flipped out when told about a previous relationship, he says he can't deal with that again, the younger aged 22 would be fine though. The children are spending from Christmas Eve to 27 with him as their mother has gone abroad and it will be the first time the children have Christmas without her. Both children have boyfriend's. He has called me on Christmas Eve and Christmas day while the children weren't there ; one day they had gone to the shops and yesterday while he took the bins out. Barely a message in between and I can't call him as his children are there. I feel a bit crap to be honest. I am trying to see it from his perspective in that he is thrilled to be with his children but I feel neglected and sad and really like his mistress rather than his girlfriend. AIBU?

@Clymene is right again.

OP, he had an affair, I would be so wary of him.

I mean this kindly but I find it very hard to believe that a marriage of 20+ years, ended by your husband because he has had an affair would be anything other than deeply upsetting for his ex wife and children.

He's no prize.

He's a weak selfish man.

Walk away.

His priority is his children that he has let down.

He's a cheater, a huge character flaw.

You make little of yourself by thinking the ending of a long marriage over an affair is anything other than a bomb going off in the lives of his family.

No it's a relationship that ended some years before and was not the cause of the marital breakdown, I am not trying to diminish it though.

OK, in your OP it says he's been separated for only 2.5 years though?

So in that period of time he's presumably ended his exit affair, started a new relationship (which his daughter went apeshit over), ended that one, the met and been with you for 4 months? Is that correct or is the timeline mixed up somehow?

If that's correct I think his daughter may have a point in not wanting to know anything about his romantic relationships tbh.

He is dealing with it all quite badly imo and you are getting the raw deal, presumably because you're the most expendable to him. Sorry OP.

That would seriously worry me, that he cannot have an adult conversation with this dd due to her emotions and he wants her to find out by surprise. However I doubt that will go over better than if he just told her, in fact I suspect she'd be angier at being kept in the dark.

What you don't want is her emotional state to influence your relationship, that is not a recipe for a successful relationship.

It's a short relationship and he's taking it carefully. He's doing the right thing and in time, if the relationship continues it will get better.

V much this. It sounds as though he's intending to keep any relationship secret indefinitely for fear of upsetting his daughter, which wouldn't wash with me.

The reason you are feeling like a mistress is because he's treating you like one and he's got form on that front. Little hushed secret phone calls, 'oh my daughter doesn't understand me, she'll go mad if she knows the truth so it's better that it's our secret' etc etc yawn yawn. I wonder how much this is working out just fine for him right now? Gets him entirely out of committing anything to you, be it time or emotional energy. I bet he's great fun when you're together, but you have a nagging feeling that you'll never really be a significant part of his life. Sorry OP, I don't think this one's a keeper.

Hi, not quite, the affair ended sometime before the marriage but no doubt would have had some emotional effect.

He and his ex separated 2,5 years ago. In your 50s seeing someone 5 months 3x week makes it fairy serious. At our age, you know quicker. After 2.5 years, ADULT daughter needs to grow up

OP firstly, I am sorry for your loss

I'm in a similar position. I'm In a 4 month relationship and we each have a young adult daughter who is 'sensitive' to our dating.

Mine said she didn't want to know any details of my love life and his said the same. However, we've both refused to hide it completely. I'm not having an affair and am not going to behave as if I am!

I told DD I was seeing someone and I really liked him but said nothing more. A few weeks later she asked me if I was still seeing him. A little while later she asked his name and a few details. The other day she saw his picture on my screen saver and was was fine.

Similar has happened in his household. His daughter even asked to see my photo the other day and I'm now being mentioned in general conversation with 'I like the sound of her' being said quite regularly 😁

I think letting the DD's curiosity set the pace has been really beneficial and setting the scene earlier rather than later has made this possible.

His daughter and s now starting to make noises about meeting me. It's still a way off for mine but she says she'd be ok with it at some stage (she volunteers this, I've not asked 🤷‍♀️)

I can't help but think you are absolutely right to be concerned as by now I'd really be expecting him to at least start to lay the foundations of introducing the idea of you I.e deliberately turning the laptop when his DD walks into the room; receiving a text with a verbal laugh and an obvious grin as he's typing a response.

Both of my kids asked ME if I was dating rather than me broach it with them because I set it up that way. Almost what he seems to be hoping for but with a bit of engineering on my part and a bit less jarring than seeing me with DP in the street! He obviously doesn't want to hurt her so the onus is surely on him to step up and ease things gently for her!

So the daughter is allowed to have a boyfriend but her dad isnt? Hmmmmm.

So can I try and get this right in my head, OP?

Your boyfriend had an affair while in his long marriage, and that affair then ended. According to him, his adult daughters don't know about that.

He then 'ended the marriage'; but it is a separation of 2.5 years thus far.

He then had a relationship, and DD were, according him, unhappy, especially the elder one when she found out.

And now he's 5 months into a relationship with you, and you're being kept a secret, and telephoned from, among other places, the bins.

5 months is nothing. I would guess he has had a few short term relationships since the end of his marriage, so obviously isnt going to introduce each one of them to his family until he decides its going to be a long term one. If you had been with him 5 years, you'd have a point.

I agree but the secretive behaviour is so suspicious. OP says she feels like a mistress… there may be a reason for that.

You know these ‘children’ are fully grown adults right? They sound like they’re pandering to their mother far too much. She’s still trying to hang onto them like they’re her ace card or something. How pathetic 🙄 You shouldn’t be made to feel like this and tell your BF so.

At 5 months I wouldn’t see this as a big deal. After a year I’d want to start having some frank conversations about how this is going to work going forward though.

If that was the case, why would he have told his friends and family about her?

"All his friends and family know, including his separated wife"

Has she met any of them?

Are you sure the mother has gone abroad? I don't see how over 4 days he can't say to his grown up children 'I'm popping over a friends for an hour'. Even keeping you a secret he could spend some time with you.

Other than him telling you, do you have proof the wife knows?

@MilkyYay

Sensitivity of a brick through a window, her mum has just died.

@Livelifelaughter

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum.

I'm sorry he hasn't stepped up. He should be there for you this Christmas. Yes, it's only been 5 months, but that's long enough Z not be an insensitive arse.

His ADULT children are old enough to be told he has his own life as well as being their father &. shouldn't feel the need to hide a relationship. They're not.

i'd be cooling things a bit & certainly backing off from planning any serious future things.

when did he tell you you were on your own for Christmas??

Actually that's true, when you hit my age and see someone on this basis it's because you feel that it's far more than a fling...

@RampantIvy

young children. Not Adult Children.

.

His adult dd seems to be coming in for some criticism.

Yet all she has done is say that she doesn't want to hear about his love life.

Considering that he ended his marriage to her mum, had at least one affair during that marriage, and is now on his second (at least) relationship in the two years since he separated from his wife, I don't blame her at all.

Agreed @donttellmehesalive

Something about this whole situation smells very odd.

If all his family including his ex wife know about you, and it's so important to keep you a secret, isn't he terrified someone is going to accidentally let slip to her?

Isn't she going to feel hugely betrayed when she eventually finds out, and realises all these other people, including her mum, have known for many months(? Years?) before her, and kept his secret?

He's either lying to you OP about some or all of this, or he's handling it like a complete idiot that will eventually blow up in his face. I hope you aren't blamed if it does.

You have a fairly brief relationship with a married man who hasn't made the final break from his wife. 2 and a half years separated couple, by now either could have divorced the other, but they haven't.

He hasn't told his children about you because in his eyes it's not a committed relationship and might not last.

Your gut sense of being treated like a mistress/ bit on the side is probably spot on.