Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

542 replies

Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:40

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

OP posts:
GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 26/12/2022 16:39

If you are so certain you don’t want more children why don’t you have the copper coil fitted or get your tubes tied. I don’t think its unreasonable to discuss all of your options but at the same time I do think you would be unreasonable to expect this to fall on him.

FortSalem86 · 26/12/2022 16:49

Sounds like the only contraception you practice is abortion.

NalaNana · 26/12/2022 16:56

So as a result of neither of you being able to agree on a contraceptive method you've endured an abortion and a traumatic pregnancy/birth. It's you that suffers as a result of this and I'm sorry you've suffered so badly.

I'm not an expert in vasectomy or sterilisation but I've had a look online and vasectomy is a much less invasive procedure carried out under local. Even if sterilisation isn't as major as it used to be, it's still an operation under general anaesthetic. Vasectomy also has a much higher reversal rate than sterilisation and this process is less challenging if things were to change.

There is talk on here about what if he wants to have kids with someone else - well as the two of you are due to marry this summer, I'd hope he'd put your needs above that of a potential hypothetical future partner 🙃

You obviously can't make him have one or pressure him to do it, but I can understand walking away if he doesn't. History indicates that it will be you that suffers in every other eventuality - either you deal with hormonal contraception which doesn't work for you, you have more abortions, you have more pregnancies or you have a sexless marriage which will probably fail as a result.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/12/2022 17:25

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 14:44

And don't get me started on going through the abortions I had go through because he didn't want to be a dad. Give him all the sympathy he clearly deserves.

So this is about punishing him, then?

You've suffered and the only way you think he can feel a similar loss is to have his ability to have future children removed? Did he say something particularly crass like 'You can have a baby another time, it's not a big deal?', which is why you're saying 'He could always have it reversed, it's not a big deal'?

That isn't the way to have a healthy marriage, it's point scoring through pain.

Don't get married now - have counselling for your trauma, both from the birth and the terminations it sounds as though he manipulated, huilted or coerced you into.

SouperNoodle · 26/12/2022 17:32

Omg way to jump on the OP! 😠 poor girl just wants advice as clearly wants to stay in her relationship and find a solution that suits them both.
To decide that she's a terrible partner and person off one post is just idiotic. Give her a break and go find another thread to bitch on.

OhmygodDont · 26/12/2022 17:36

SouperNoodle · 26/12/2022 17:32

Omg way to jump on the OP! 😠 poor girl just wants advice as clearly wants to stay in her relationship and find a solution that suits them both.
To decide that she's a terrible partner and person off one post is just idiotic. Give her a break and go find another thread to bitch on.

But his happy with abstaining she also says she would be happy to never have sex again so that actually is a viable solution. She’s worried he will cheat though eventually even though his happy currently with permanently abstaining.

This issue isn’t an issue apart form in her mind right now. If she’s already that worried her fiancé will cheat a marriage is not something that should be going ahead, she’s also not taken on board any other options than just him becoming infertile permanently. Such as a copper coil or a cap with spermicide, they both dislike condoms but they actually work if we really want piv too.

OhmygodDont · 26/12/2022 17:38

Not we. They.

NalaNana · 26/12/2022 17:39

I don't it says anywhere that he's happy to abstain for ever? I read that he seems ok with it for the time being while they are looking for a solution, but OP has said a few times that she doesn't expect this to be a long term position of his, although she wouldn't mind!

MintyFreshOne · 26/12/2022 17:49

SouperNoodle · 26/12/2022 17:32

Omg way to jump on the OP! 😠 poor girl just wants advice as clearly wants to stay in her relationship and find a solution that suits them both.
To decide that she's a terrible partner and person off one post is just idiotic. Give her a break and go find another thread to bitch on.

She’s not really taken on board any advice tho. People have kindly pointed out options but it seems she doesn’t want to do anything but tell him to get sterilised, which is not going to happen unless they come across a super unethical doctor.

Dogsogdog · 26/12/2022 17:53

Op isn’t interested in solutions

MintyFreshOne · 26/12/2022 17:55

There is talk on here about what if he wants to have kids with someone else - well as the two of you are due to marry this summer, I'd hope he'd put your needs above that of a potential hypothetical future partner

She’s being extremely unreasonable about contraceptive options, she seems to want to go out of her way to punish him almost.

It’s all about how her body has been traumatised through childbirth, he should do this because I have suffered …

but it makes no logical sense because if it was bad enough to put her off children forever, she’d presumably be more than happy to get sterilised to avoid that fate again, no?

KimberleyClark · 26/12/2022 18:01

They should try every brand of condom out there before vasectomy, it seems to me.

NightTerrors · 26/12/2022 18:06

But it isn't equal and can't be equal because the equivalent options for men simply do not exist. That isn't his fault, you also can't say 'well I had to go through the pregnancy and birth and so now you should have to suffer so we are equal- because again, it's not his fault that males frankly hit the jackpot biologically.

You already seem to have a lot of resentment and contempt towards him in your comments here and while I understand you aren't in a great place right now and are understandably frustrated - that's why people are wondering why on earth you are considering marrying someone who according to you has been the source of so much suffering. You haven't responded to suggestions such as diaphragms, caps and spermicides either. The non-hormonal coil isn't the only option left to you.

SoupDragon · 26/12/2022 18:07

There is talk on here about what if he wants to have kids with someone else - well as the two of you are due to marry this summer, I'd hope he'd put your needs above that of a potential hypothetical future partner 🙃

Except it is the OP who is adamant she doesn't want any more children with anyone. If she doesn't want more that is her choice and she should take the necessary steps to ensure that's the case.

BadNomad · 26/12/2022 18:07

If you're going to rely on the withdrawal method, then at least use a diaphragm too. It's ridiculous to keep blaming him for the unwanted pregnancies when you are not doing anything to help prevent them.

NalaNana · 26/12/2022 18:11

MintyFreshOne · 26/12/2022 17:55

There is talk on here about what if he wants to have kids with someone else - well as the two of you are due to marry this summer, I'd hope he'd put your needs above that of a potential hypothetical future partner

She’s being extremely unreasonable about contraceptive options, she seems to want to go out of her way to punish him almost.

It’s all about how her body has been traumatised through childbirth, he should do this because I have suffered …

but it makes no logical sense because if it was bad enough to put her off children forever, she’d presumably be more than happy to get sterilised to avoid that fate again, no?

She has said she has mild PTSD as a result of the traumatic birth, is it any wonder that she's afraid to go under general anaesthetic to be sterilised? Especially when the alternative is a quick procedure under local anaesthetic for her fiancé.

She hasn't said why hormone contraception doesn't work for her, or which ones she's tried, so we can't say that she's being unreasonable about that. I personally won't ever be taking it again because of my experiences with it, but that's the result of a conversation with my fiancé about family planning.

They can't find a contraceptive solution and she has suffered as a result of this at every turn, and will continue to until they either find a solution or she walks away. He presumably doesn't have PTSD, the procedure would be much easier for him, and reverse rates are higher for him should anything change. It's not hard to see why she might be wondering why he won't step up on this occasion.

FelineTomato · 26/12/2022 18:22

I'm not "expecting or co trolling or pressuring" dp into this. But if he wants to be with me and I want to be with him sacrifice clearly need to be made.
If you are saying he can only be with you if he makes these sacrifices, that is controlling. Just because your behaviour may be as a result of birth trauma and PTSD, doesn’t make it any less controlling.
The first step you need to take, as countless of posters here have counselled, is to seek to address your trauma.
stop making demands of your DP, and yourself, and get some help first and foremost.

Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 18:24

Where has she said she’s been diagnosed with PTSD?! And what on earth is “mild” ptsd? I don’t think that’s a thing, you either have it or you don’t.

MichaelFabricantWig · 26/12/2022 18:26

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 14:44

And don't get me started on going through the abortions I had go through because he didn't want to be a dad. Give him all the sympathy he clearly deserves.

You had to consent to them. I can understand you feeling resentful if were pressured into them.

Ultimately the consequences of sex ie the burden of pregnancy and childbirth largely fall on women. That’s life. It still doesn’t mean it’s OK to try and guilt trip someone into a procedure they don’t want. And yes if he pressured you into abortion that’s wrong as well. But 2 wrongs don’t make a right

NalaNana · 26/12/2022 18:27

@Miss03852 earlier in the thread OP said "I can't even remember most of my pregnancy since I think I've been suffering with mild ptsd since"

NalaNana · 26/12/2022 18:29

@Miss03852 I'm not a doctor or anything but my understanding is that most mental illnesses are on a spectrum i.e you either have depression or not, but the way those symptoms manifest can be mild to severe

Burgoo · 26/12/2022 18:30

Why doesn't the OP get her er insides pulled out? I am unsure why the guy must do this for you. What if you break up?

Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 18:40

NalaNana · 26/12/2022 18:29

@Miss03852 I'm not a doctor or anything but my understanding is that most mental illnesses are on a spectrum i.e you either have depression or not, but the way those symptoms manifest can be mild to severe

That’s not true, otherwise you could say we all have “mild ptsd” to be diagnosed with PTSD you have to meet a specific criteria. I have been diagnosed with OCD and there’s no such thing as “mild OCD” you either have it or you don’t. Just because symptoms vary you still have to meet a threshold for a diagnosis.

MintyFreshOne · 26/12/2022 18:46

She has said she has mild PTSD as a result of the traumatic birth, is it any wonder that she's afraid to go under general anaesthetic to be sterilised?

I think the opposite. You’d think she would ensure it would never happen again and not be dependent on a partner.

Especially when the alternative is a quick procedure under local anaesthetic for her fiancé

PPs have described their experience. It’s done as a quick outpatient procedure. Some iirc can be done under local. OP has not responded to any of that.

She hasn't said why hormone contraception doesn't work for her, or which ones she's tried, so we can't say that she's being unreasonable about that

Theres no way she’s tried that many. So many different types of HBC, it just does take time and patience to figure out what will work.

They can't find a contraceptive solution

She doesn’t want to find a solution.

It's not hard to see why she might be wondering why he won't step up on this occasion

Its quite difficult to understand TBH. And few doctors would be willing to sterilise someone that young who is unmarried with just one child.

What if they broke up? She would be in danger of pregnancy again because she hadn’t found a permanent solution. She needs to fix that before she gets pregnant again.

GelPens1 · 26/12/2022 21:17

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 12:01

@Miss03852 you know when you have a c section there is hightened risk of becoming infertile when something goes wrong. I know because they read it out to me and I had to sign to confirm I was okay with this. Also in terms of permanent body changes yes. I have a scar, an over hung tummy and numbness in that area that I have been told won't come back. It may not be the same as being infertile but it has its own permanent risks.

@Justmegan so you don’t want to be infertile, but you’re happy for your DP to be? From this post, it sounds like you want more than 2 dc considering you’re worried that a Caesarian will make you infertile (I bet this is very very rare) which means you won’t be able to have a third dc.

No excuse not to get the copper coil considering it isn’t hormonal. As a woman, you have LOADS of options and it is your responsibility considering you’re the one who can fall pregnant.