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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

542 replies

Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:40

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

OP posts:
Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 14:56

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 14:52

@Miss03852 the pregnancy wasn't unwanted by me. It wasn't planned but it wasn't unwanted. I was ready to keep it.

Ok but why did you keep getting pregnant knowing he didn’t want a child? Were you even on contraception?

Algor1thm · 26/12/2022 14:57

You'd rather break up your family than have sex with a condom/cap or get a copper coil fitted? This thread is ridiculous. If you truly loved him and wanted to be together and raise your child together you'd take up one of the many solutions available to you.

Good luck finding a man who's willing to have a vasectomy in the very early days of your relationship before you've even had sex...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/12/2022 14:57

My abortions are no one's business

Well don't post about them on a public forum then.

You don't like contraception. You don't want him to have a vasectomy. You don't want to be sterilised. You have had multiple abortions. And you don't want another child. And you don't like sex.

What exactly are you trying to get from this post?

Thriwit · 26/12/2022 14:58

So in your entire relationship, you’ve never used contraception? Have you even had a conversation about it?

This relationship just sounds terrible for everyone involved

Changechangychange · 26/12/2022 14:59

Schroedinger’s contraception. OP has tried every single contraceptive option available, but at the same time has fallen pregnant multiple times.

Original poster
Justmegan · 26/12/2022 14:59

Anyways me and dp have now discussed the matter. We are working on things. Thanks for the advice. I'm not "expecting or co trolling or pressuring" dp into this. But if he wants to be with me and I want to be with him sacrifice clearly need to be made. Whatever they are. We will figure it put. Thanks for the helpful advice. And thanks for those who clearly had nothing better to do on boxing day than picking an argument.

OP posts:
QS90 · 26/12/2022 14:59

"It seems like the only option is to end it"

Unless there is some other meaning to this, yes sounds like you are talking about breaking up. And yes, I think you are very likely to break up with him if you don't go for counselling, as you are clearly being extremely unreasonable and most people would get tired of this eventually. You also seem to have a lot of resentment towards him for all sorts of things, which now makes the wanting to punish / control him fall into place. This obviously doesn't bode well either, and honestly is borderline abusive.

If you're not willing to work on yourself and work on your relationship, maybe look for a man in his mid forties or older next time. One who already has all the children he wants and would be a better candidate for a vasectomy, if that's really what all this is about.

Stravaig · 26/12/2022 15:01

If you've had multiple abortions and one child by age 25, you haven't tried very hard, if at all, to find an appropriate contraception method that works for you.

MintyFreshOne · 26/12/2022 15:01

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 14:30

@OhmygodDont there are plenty men my age that don't want children. It's becoming more common. Dp was one of them. He wanted me to abort but I didn't.

I feel there’s some sort of backstory here. Maybe it’s at the root of your resentment towards DP regarding the difficult birth, if I’m playing armchair psychologist …

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/12/2022 15:02

@Changechangychange

"Schroedinger's contraception."

Nailed it.

Stravaig · 26/12/2022 15:06

Cue deletion for 'privacy reasons' in case DP does see the thread and OP loses her hold on him.

MintyFreshOne · 26/12/2022 15:07

my body doesn't take to hormonal contraception then there aren't many options left

hormonal contraceptives are not all the same and with all the options out there, you would find one suitable for you and may even improve PCOS symptoms. But I suspect you aren’t interested in any of that.

It's not all up to me. Men should be responsible too

He is by abstaining from sex. One of the few options available to men.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/12/2022 15:08

Why did you keep getting pregnant knowing he didn’t want a child?

TBF OP didn't create those pregnancies on her own; as we always say on here a man who doesn't want children can always abstain, which is apparently what he's doing now anyway

FWIW I do get that it can all be too much down to the woman, but since biology dictates they're the ones carrying the baby, that can often be the reality in a non-stable relationship - and from the loathing coming across in OP's posts it's pretty clear this one's anything but stable

Plumbear2 · 26/12/2022 15:13

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 14:30

@OhmygodDont there are plenty men my age that don't want children. It's becoming more common. Dp was one of them. He wanted me to abort but I didn't.

Yes there are lots of men your age who don't want children, because they are young. Wait another 10-15 years and they will be ready. Lots of men don't want kids in their mid 20s but that does not mean they never will

Hamster1111 · 26/12/2022 15:29

@Justmegan several posters including myself have asked you if you think your stance around this is based in trauma and therefore you need to address that before you, or your DH, do anything more. Do you think this could be the case? You haven't acknowledged this point at all. I don't think you're being reasonable at all, but I have sympathy because I think you have un resolved issues (which you could take steps to at least try and resolve)

gamerchick · 26/12/2022 15:42

Hamster1111 · 26/12/2022 15:29

@Justmegan several posters including myself have asked you if you think your stance around this is based in trauma and therefore you need to address that before you, or your DH, do anything more. Do you think this could be the case? You haven't acknowledged this point at all. I don't think you're being reasonable at all, but I have sympathy because I think you have un resolved issues (which you could take steps to at least try and resolve)

Even acknowledging trauma is hard. Just hope the OP does address it rather than wanting her bloke to play his part in the suffering, so they're even and being made to get a reversal when time has maybe done it's healing thing.

DonnaBanana · 26/12/2022 15:42

I'm not happy with contraception. He won't be happy for abstaining for much longer let's be honest. What are my options here?

Have sex, use the pull out or rhythm techniques to reduce the chance of pregnancy, use abortions when it fails. Our foremothers fought for the right so use it.

Hamster1111 · 26/12/2022 15:55

Yes you're right, it can be hard to see. It's probably my own experience of birth trauma clouding my view here but OP just seems to be reacting out of fear and is just backed into a corner defending herself because in reality she is young and traumatised.

Hamster1111 · 26/12/2022 15:57

Thats was in reply to @gamerchick

LolaSmiles · 26/12/2022 16:00

But if he wants to be with me and I want to be with him sacrifice clearly need to be made. Whatever they are.
As long as the sacrifice you mean is isn't entirely expected of him because you plan on manipulating and guilt tripping him into surgery.

This whole relationship sounds quite troubling and I wouldn't blame him if he decided he'd rather walk away, have a healthy co-parenting relationship, and he free to have a relationship that isn't as full of drama.

MintyFreshOne · 26/12/2022 16:03

use the pull out or rhythm techniques

Tbh withdrawal is actually pretty solid if he’s got good control. Used it for years with no problems and have easily become pregnant since.

KimberleyClark · 26/12/2022 16:06

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 14:37

Not of being infertile of the procedure

Did you read this upthread

losingit31 · Today 05:46
I was sterilised - two tiny laporoscopic incisions, a bit bloated that day and a bit off colour the day after, then felt completely normal. It's nonsense that female sterilisation is a big deal compared to a vasectomy. Don't use that as an excuse.

Original poster
Justmegan · 26/12/2022 16:22

@MintyFreshOne pull out is what we was doing. Got pregnant twice from it. So obviously he isn't very good.

OP posts:
FelineTomato · 26/12/2022 16:27

@Justmegan that’s his fault how? You can get pregnant from penetration even if he pulls out before ejaculation. You must know this, surely? That’s not just his fault, unless you’re saying penetration wasn’t consensual.

Legallypinkish · 26/12/2022 16:31

The bottom line is you don’t want to/can’t use hormonal contraception. He doesn’t want a vasectomy, you don’t want to get sterilised, neither of you like condoms so you’re pretty much out of options.