Page 20 | To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

Justmegan · 2022-12-25T23:40:52+00:00

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again. Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex. My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

SavoirFlair · 26/12/2022 21:44

OP @Justmegan with all due respect I think you could benefit from counselling

You are so angry at times (understandable) but also convinced your fiancé will leave you just because he is abstaining for now, but won’t forever

Yet you refuse to consider any, literally any form of contraception other than him being sterilised.

Look at the extraordinary pressure you’re putting on things from day 1 of your marriage - you’re basically saying he has to have this life changing operation or it’s no marital intimacy.

Your absolutism comes from a very understandable place considering what you have been through

yet you are dismissing other condoms, the coil, a whole myriad of options that have been presented on here…

… because I think you want him to share in the pain somehow you’ve felt. I don’t think you want to have to take another step towards securing your family planning, you feel you have suffered enough and somehow you feel it’s his turn to “sort it”.

am I wrong?

lifeinthehills · 26/12/2022 22:05

OP, I'm glad you have now talked to your partner about this issue. What was his response? What does he think of having a vasectomy? Does he want to? If so, and it's his choice, not something he feels he has no choice over, then that's great.

However, it doesn't solve your problem. Sex with a vasectomy is not risk free of pregnancy. If you have sex, you can get pregnant, no matter what precautions you take. That's one thing I hope I have managed to get sunk into my children's minds - nothing is 100%. Sex = risk of pregnancy. You can reduce the odds by doubling up on birth control. A friend of mine has a coil and her husband has a vasectomy for this reason.

You chose to have a baby when you did get pregnant when your partner wanted you to abort. As the woman carrying the baby, that is your choice, regardless of his wishes. In kind, the vasectomy is his choice and he can reject your suggestion as you rejected his.

Abortion is not a birth control method, yet you've had a few. Abortion is invasive and traumatic, so how does that line up with your expressed concerns about your reproductive health? You and him really need to get sorted about family planning here.

This whole situation sounds very messy and fraught right now. I don't think you should get married until you have had some counselling and worked out some issues. I had a young marriage that has lasted, so it's not about your age. I suggest that because I see some conflict and too many important unresolved issues that don't bode well for any marriage.

GooglyEyeballs · 26/12/2022 22:55

MIRA is an ovulation tracker that's approved for use in patients with PCOS. Why can't you try that?

YeOldNoName · 27/12/2022 14:08

It's definitely unreasonable to EXPECT him to get a vasectomy. The same way it would be unreasonable for him to expect you to get sterilised. What isn't unreasonable, though, is having a grown up conversation about your options and working together to find an appropriate solution.

Saza123 · 27/12/2022 14:12

But it’s ok for her to alter her body to give him children?? She’s either had to have an episiotomy or a c section, both of which have a recovery period

CrazyCatLadyCat · 27/12/2022 14:28

YABU why can’t you get sterilised?

SoupDragon · 27/12/2022 14:33

Saza123 · 27/12/2022 14:12

But it’s ok for her to alter her body to give him children?? She’s either had to have an episiotomy or a c section, both of which have a recovery period

Yes, it's perfectly OK for her to have made the choice for herself to do that.

steff13 · 27/12/2022 14:52

Saza123 · 27/12/2022 14:12

But it’s ok for her to alter her body to give him children?? She’s either had to have an episiotomy or a c section, both of which have a recovery period

Did you read all of the OP's posts? He wanted her to terminate the pregnancy. He didn't ask her to "give him children." Neither of them was doing anything to prevent pregnancy.

Realistically, if she's adamant about not getting pregnant again, she should be sterilized. Relationships end. If this one does, she's going to be in the same boat she's in now, not wanting to use birth control or condoms, and risking pregnancy with a new guy.

Saza123 · 27/12/2022 14:56

steff13 · 27/12/2022 14:52

Did you read all of the OP's posts? He wanted her to terminate the pregnancy. He didn't ask her to "give him children." Neither of them was doing anything to prevent pregnancy.

Realistically, if she's adamant about not getting pregnant again, she should be sterilized. Relationships end. If this one does, she's going to be in the same boat she's in now, not wanting to use birth control or condoms, and risking pregnancy with a new guy.

Show quote history

i know someone of a similar age who’s had a vasectomy so it can be done. However no I haven’t read all the comments I didnt realise he wanted her to terminate. Can’t really see the relationship going the distance then to be honest they’re not on the same page

OhmygodDont · 27/12/2022 15:05

At the end of the day say he gets snipped. That’s one penis that can’t get her pregnant what about a different partner if they split. Is she going to insist every partner is snipped before they ever sleep together? If she doesn’t want children it’s as much on her to stop herself getting pregnant.

Maybe he was child free but now would happily have more. Maybe he is hedging his bets that this relationship will fail so he wants the option for more children in the future. It would appear separating has been mentioned so he knows it’s on the cards.

steff13 · 27/12/2022 15:08

I'm sure it can be done, but he doesn't owe it to her because she gave birth, which appears to be the OP's position. If a pregnancy were to happen in the future with this guy or somebody else, nature dictates that the OP is the one who has to deal with it. So it would behoove her to take the steps to have herself sterilized if she doesn't want to have to deal with that.

Gemmanorthdevon · 27/12/2022 15:40

Christ what a horrible thread.

A PP has already hit the nail on the head. The only body you try to change is your own! If you don't want to risk getting pregnant again, and you are refusing every form of contraception due to reasons that affect you, then you get bloody sterilised! And if that's to scary and invasive, then how dare you suggest somebody else goes through it so you don't have to?

I really hopes he chucks you a tiara and tells you to jog on at such a selfish request for such selfish reasons.

NinjaWarriorCooker · 27/12/2022 15:42

Saza123 · 27/12/2022 14:12

But it’s ok for her to alter her body to give him children?? She’s either had to have an episiotomy or a c section, both of which have a recovery period

Yes she did herself decide to have a baby, because she wanted it. He didn’t, but quite rightly she has the choice.

Alice786 · 27/12/2022 15:43

I think it's not fair to ask him to have a vasectomy. I think you need to try other options such as the hormone free coil. You can also try natural birth control app such as Natural Cycle which is fda approved and works out days its safe to have sex without birth control and days when you may needs to use extra protection.

Also talk to him about all the options a d how he feels about abstinence and try to reach an agreement together to try different things to see what works for you before taking any drastic actions.

MintyFreshOne · 27/12/2022 17:57

Saza123 · 27/12/2022 14:12

But it’s ok for her to alter her body to give him children?? She’s either had to have an episiotomy or a c section, both of which have a recovery period

I don’t understand what you mean. She wanted to go ahead and have this child. She obviously suffered a lot, but that doesn’t mean she gets to make unreasonable fertility demands for someone else.

Since she doesn’t want any more children, she needs to take responsibility and not rely on this or any other future partners

RaginaPhalange · 27/12/2022 18:24

You can ask him to get one but he doesn't need to. I had a traumatic 1st birth also but I didn't expect dh to get s vasectomy. I got pregnant again had a section and now on depo. We discussed dh getting a vasectomy and he's on the waiting list and he's just turned 30.

hot2trotter · 27/12/2022 18:57

You've only had one child together how could you possibly know it's your 'compatiblity' that caused it. And if it is as life threatening as you make out, doctors can put plans in place - early induction, or planned c section are some examples. You sound like hard work. If YOU don't any more children, YOU should be the one to get sterilised. End of.

Sometimeswinning · 27/12/2022 20:58

Gemmanorthdevon · 27/12/2022 15:40

Christ what a horrible thread.

A PP has already hit the nail on the head. The only body you try to change is your own! If you don't want to risk getting pregnant again, and you are refusing every form of contraception due to reasons that affect you, then you get bloody sterilised! And if that's to scary and invasive, then how dare you suggest somebody else goes through it so you don't have to?

I really hopes he chucks you a tiara and tells you to jog on at such a selfish request for such selfish reasons.

I don't agree with the op at all. I find her completely unreasonable with throwing all these obstacles in the way when anyone suggests she has options.

However, of course she can ask. He can say no! Women are asked everyday to prevent and abort pregnancy. I'm sure he can handle a question!

Sammmmmy1512 · 27/12/2022 21:05

I dont think your unreasonable to ask the question but u have to respect his reply. I think u need to do some research into it tho, it cost us just over 4k to get my hubbys reversed 6 years ago so i imagine its alot more now. You mentioned about being abstinent for 2 years? Does that mean u do want more children and if so then its not something u should even consider doing now! Also its totally normal for sex to decrease after having a baby so please dont worry about that :)

America12 · 27/12/2022 21:55

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 16:22

@MintyFreshOne pull out is what we was doing. Got pregnant twice from it. So obviously he isn't very good.

It's not that he's not very good , it's because that method isn't reliable. You can get pregnant from one sperm which is released before he ejaculates.

CJsGoldfish · 27/12/2022 22:38

my body doesn't take to hormonal contraception then there aren't many options left. It's not all up to me
If YOU are the one that doesn't want another child then , yes, it IS up to you. You've given different reasons for not wanting to take responsibility for your own contraception but it seems to be...
a) laziness (of course there is a contraception available, you just refuse to be bothered) and..
b) punishment for all you went through in having the baby you wanted to have and didn't prevent.
c) Some weird and controlling "well, if you loved me.." play

You asked if YABU, the answer was yes and yet you are adamant you aren't. You are 🙄

What a nightmare you seem to be, your relationship isn't sustainable whether he leaves now or later 🤷‍♀️

Lavender14 · 27/12/2022 23:01

@CJsGoldfish "of course there is a contraception available, you just refuse to be bothered"

I think this is a bit unfair- this isn't true for all women. Last time I went to the gp they ruled out all hormonal contraception for me due to side effects I'd previously experienced having tried a variety of options. They recommended mirena coil because it was supposed to be localised. I know lots of people find it really great but for me it was god awful and I had constant chronic pain while I had it (gave it 2 years to settle because I didnt know what else to do.) Condoms and the natural method feel a bit unreliable to me in terms of margin for error so I would prefer to be on something else as condoms as I can't get pregnant again this soon after a section? Since I can't use copper coil/pill/bar/implant/injection what would you recommend me that my gp can't? Genuinely would love a solution.

BadNomad · 27/12/2022 23:14

Lavender14 · 27/12/2022 23:01

@CJsGoldfish "of course there is a contraception available, you just refuse to be bothered"

I think this is a bit unfair- this isn't true for all women. Last time I went to the gp they ruled out all hormonal contraception for me due to side effects I'd previously experienced having tried a variety of options. They recommended mirena coil because it was supposed to be localised. I know lots of people find it really great but for me it was god awful and I had constant chronic pain while I had it (gave it 2 years to settle because I didnt know what else to do.) Condoms and the natural method feel a bit unreliable to me in terms of margin for error so I would prefer to be on something else as condoms as I can't get pregnant again this soon after a section? Since I can't use copper coil/pill/bar/implant/injection what would you recommend me that my gp can't? Genuinely would love a solution.

A diaphragm. Non-permanent. Non-hormonal.

NalaNana · 27/12/2022 23:37

If @Lavender14 isn't confident in the effectiveness of condoms I doubt she'd be happy with a diaphragm either at 92% - 96% effective when used correctly! (I had to Google it as I'd never heard of this type of contraception - not an expert!).

BadNomad · 27/12/2022 23:44

NalaNana · 27/12/2022 23:37

If @Lavender14 isn't confident in the effectiveness of condoms I doubt she'd be happy with a diaphragm either at 92% - 96% effective when used correctly! (I had to Google it as I'd never heard of this type of contraception - not an expert!).

Along with condoms, it is very affective. She asked what she can use. She can use a diaphragm. He can use condoms.