Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas tears and fucking festivities

177 replies

lookingforafantasy · 24/12/2022 16:38

Is there anyone else who is just wanting it to be over? My family are sat in the kitchen playing games and I am sat in the lounge quietly sobbing to myself, wishing it was Boxing Day already. This time last year I was on an amazing holiday with the person I thought I'd marry, I'm now just coming out the other end of a painful/abusive breakup with this man. On top of that, my sister has upset me.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to have to pretend I'm feeling festive. I don't want to have to pretend that my heart isn't aching. I don't want to pretend that my sister hasn't upset me. I don't want to pretend I'm okay ffs.

This is a terribly morbid thread, I know, but is anyone else's day feeling a similar way?

OP posts:
Original poster
lookingforafantasy · 24/12/2022 20:33

I'm just reading through the last 20ish posts and I'm crying. Some of you are going through so, so much. We all are, I guess. I think we need to all get through this together. Is anyone up for using this thread tomorrow as our comfort? We can come back to it if we're struggling, or even if something positive happens. Xx

OP posts:
Confusedivf · 24/12/2022 20:33

Lost my baby this year and haven’t had the Christmas miracle rainbow baby I wanted :( so hard when you have to put on a face for family and when just want to die. Sending love to everyone :( such a tough time of your year when your misery is juxtaposed with everyone’s perfect Christmas

a1poshpaws · 24/12/2022 20:35

lookingforafantasy · 24/12/2022 16:56

Why the fuck do I not see it like this?! Instead of celebrating the fact I had the strength to leave, I'm crying over missing him and not being with him!

Show quote history

@lookingforafantasy Oh honey. Because however much you rationally understand and appreciate your own strength in breaking out of an abusive relationship, your heart's grieving for the man you first thought he was, and the relationship you had envisaged.

I imagine it may be the same sort of grief that someone might feel when instead of a healthy baby, the baby who arrives is handicapped in some way that they had never imagined, and all the dreams of their first football match, or choosing dresses together as they grew older etc etc become dust.

Please just stick it out. It'll be hard, but you can do it. Always remember that other women have managed to make the break cleanly and there's no reason that you'll give in and resurrect a lost cause either.

Sending you love.

Libre55 · 24/12/2022 20:36

I just came off the phone to my Mum who has dementia and is currently in hospital. She was crying and telling me she hated it in the prison. I don’t drive and a taxi would be £300 return to get there. I had to come home last night because of the train strikes l was plaaning to have Christmas Day with DH, but he has covid and a very bad cough and no appetite and has been sleeping most of the day. Maybe it was fortunate that Waitrose fucked up my order. Going to put the joint in the freezer as I’m not cooking for just me. I’ll just have some cheese and biscuits.

ThePriceOfSugar · 24/12/2022 20:41

@lookingforafantasy I just dumped an emotional abuser a week ago too. We were together almost 4 years. There are some hours of being very sad and paralyzed with loneliness, but I'm using the alone time also to think about all the TRUTH I had been looking away from to maintain the relationship. Sure, he was on the brink of proposing with a big diamond - but that external "victory" (in society's eyes) came at the cost of my self-esteem, my internal peace, my authentic relationships with my friends and family, and of the opportunities lost for real love and happiness by being with a man who seemed nice but every day made me feel sad, worried and insecure. Come over to my thread and read all the messages of support for our bravery 🤗

ChessieDarling · 24/12/2022 20:41

Aw you poor thing. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time of it. I was in that exact spot Christmas ‘15, a couple of months out of an abusive relationship and so fucking miserable. Logically I knew I’d done the right thing to end it but I missed him so much and I still loved him. My one year old son was tucked up in bed a couple of hours ago and I’m watching a Christmas film with my beyond-lovely DH who o met March ‘16.
It is totally normal to feel so crappy but remember it’s all just temporary, you won’t feel this shit forever.

Parroteets · 24/12/2022 20:42

Gosh, I am so sorry for all those who are suffering or who have lost someone and are sad.

I'm not a lover of Xmas at all and have cried on Xmas day many times.

Many of the posts here are so sad but there is also an awful lot of support. Huge hugs and love to those who need it.

ganachee · 24/12/2022 20:44

Completely understandable you are sad and low mourning a relationship that obviously turned out to be a nightmare, but I think you should fake it til you possibly make it and if you don’t make it at least you have shown consideration to your family. If you do get v sad, then I would do as you have and take yourself off to another room for a wee cry but I think going home will be crap for your family.

Original poster
lookingforafantasy · 24/12/2022 20:45

ThePriceOfSugar · 24/12/2022 20:41

@lookingforafantasy I just dumped an emotional abuser a week ago too. We were together almost 4 years. There are some hours of being very sad and paralyzed with loneliness, but I'm using the alone time also to think about all the TRUTH I had been looking away from to maintain the relationship. Sure, he was on the brink of proposing with a big diamond - but that external "victory" (in society's eyes) came at the cost of my self-esteem, my internal peace, my authentic relationships with my friends and family, and of the opportunities lost for real love and happiness by being with a man who seemed nice but every day made me feel sad, worried and insecure. Come over to my thread and read all the messages of support for our bravery 🤗

Please can I have the link to your thread? Your words have inspired me, and you are so so right. Xx

OP posts:
Hattie1970abc · 24/12/2022 20:46

I too feel awful and very sad. I miss my mam and my Nana and there’s family long term family fallouts. I always think that however you’re feeling, whatever is going on in your life becomes exaggerated. It passes though and next Xmas could be great just get through this one and don’t be hard on yourself.

Burgoo · 24/12/2022 20:47

WTF is up with people over this period. Calm TF down! If you don't want to be somewhere, go home. If you dislike a family member, just tolerate them for a few hours. it isn't like its life and death.

TheRealHousewife · 24/12/2022 20:53

I hear you @lookingforafantasy I hope you find some peace and solace.

My DM had a fall on Tuesday and died unexpectedly on Wednesday. The guest bedroom had been refreshed awaiting her annual stay over, her gifts are under the tree and her favourite goodies to eat are in the fridge. It’s a tough one this year. 💔

Always4Brenner · 24/12/2022 20:53

Northbynorthbreast · 24/12/2022 19:54

I’m in hospital. Was in an accident and broke my back. Not sure whether I am permanently faecally incontinent. My DH and ds are at home without me. I am on extraordinary doses of morphine. My dear friend and old lover Max Fraser has just died. I am not yet sure if I will ever walk again.

it is not feeling very much like Christmas.

My heart goes out to you at this time handhold, I pray a miracle happens and your not incontinent and that you will walk again hugs.

Wingedharpy · 24/12/2022 20:55

I didn't want to pretend either OP - so I'm not.
I'm spending it alone as I was widowed suddenly earlier this year.
We have no children.
I declined all invites as I didn't want the added pressure of feeling I had to appear Mrs Cheery Clause so I didn't ruin other folks' day when I may well want to just weep and sob into my mulled wine.
Time will tell if that was the right thing to do.
Today has been hard.

a1poshpaws · 24/12/2022 20:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Aquarius1234 · 24/12/2022 20:56

Already argued with parents as soon as they came in the house.
Control freaks.

Original poster
lookingforafantasy · 24/12/2022 20:57

Burgoo · 24/12/2022 20:47

WTF is up with people over this period. Calm TF down! If you don't want to be somewhere, go home. If you dislike a family member, just tolerate them for a few hours. it isn't like its life and death.

I think you clearly haven't read what some people have been/are going through. You're lucky you find it easy and I hope you have a great Christmas, but there are clearly lots of people here who don't feel that's possible

OP posts:
Aquarius1234 · 24/12/2022 20:57

I think some people love projecting their own issues onto you, or they can't stand your personality so have to upset you.

Original poster
lookingforafantasy · 24/12/2022 20:57

Wingedharpy · 24/12/2022 20:55

I didn't want to pretend either OP - so I'm not.
I'm spending it alone as I was widowed suddenly earlier this year.
We have no children.
I declined all invites as I didn't want the added pressure of feeling I had to appear Mrs Cheery Clause so I didn't ruin other folks' day when I may well want to just weep and sob into my mulled wine.
Time will tell if that was the right thing to do.
Today has been hard.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you like to tell us about your partner? Totally okay if not. Here for you. Hugs xx

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 24/12/2022 21:03

You're not alone op.
Last year was v hard as my dad had just died.
Hoping for better for you in 2023.
Be glad that you didn't marry an abusive person-that would have been a nightmare to extract yourself from later.
Onwards and upwards.

CoffeeLover90 · 24/12/2022 21:05

I'd never heard of trauma bonding, until I posted on here for the first time. It may not be relative to you but I found just reading into it insightful, I know this was affecting me in the past.
Keep writing the notes, that's a really good idea. Do. Not. Text.
It's not going to help you today but this time last year (and the year before) I cried myself to sleep on Christmas eve. I was abused in every bloody way, I couldn't see an escape. But Christmas morning I'd need to paint on a smile for my DS. The main reason I cried was because I knew his present pile could have been bigger and I was so ashamed. I allowed his 'dad' to take money for his own needs. Now I'm free. I'm fucking free. I can't move in the sitting room for presents. I did all on my own. I've bought throughout the year, deprived myself of some luxuries and took advantage of sales. I'm so proud of myself.
This time next year, you'll be a different person. Make it your mission for 2023, get some therapy, there's a long wait list but it's bloody worth it.
Wipe your eyes, cuddle the dogs, enjoy the telly and remember you're a queen not a Grinch.
Wishing you a peaceful holiday season Flowers

MissMaple82 · 24/12/2022 21:05

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 24/12/2022 16:50

Surely being out of an abusive relationship is worth raising a glass to op?

You clearly don't understand abuse amd the aftermath

Desperatelyseekingreason · 24/12/2022 21:06

Lost my Mum 18 months ago and miss her lots.

No words of advice but hugs to everyone who is experiencing loss this Christmas.

Libre55 · 24/12/2022 21:07

You deserve better than your ex. I hope that these next few days go quickly for you., I know it’s tough, but keep writing on MN to reach out. You’re not alone, there’s always someone to listen here.