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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner joked about killing me

175 replies

notsureaboutthisjoke · 24/12/2022 11:22

I've NC for this.

DP just made a "joke" which I don't find funny, and it's left me feeling a bit uneasy tbh.

We have his 2 older kids staying here for a few days; he's done an early Christmas present exchange with them as they're at their mums tomorrow. He had brought all their presents in from the garage in a huge black hold-all (think ridiculously large size - it's not a normal size one). As he removed the empty bag from the front room he commented "I'll keep that to put your body in later" (to me), then laughed as though he was hilarious.... and his two older kids also laughed (both teens). I was a bit stunned tbh so just replied "yeah course you will, would love to see you get away with that!" (implying he wouldn't be clever enough to get away with murder).

Anyway..... afterwards I just felt a bit weird and disturbed about it. He's never joked about anything like this before, and he's never been violent. AIBU to feel a bit like this wasn't a funny joke to make? Especially as women are actually killed by their male partners?! Or do I need to lighten up as this was clearly a misguided attempt on his part to be funny?

I'll accept if I need to lighten up. I've had a rough week so I may be overly sensitive!

OP posts:
PollyPeePants · 24/12/2022 11:24

Lighten up! It was a joke.

booklovingmum · 24/12/2022 11:24

In the nicest possible way, you definitely need to lighten up....

Unless he's given off any murderous vibes before. Then maybe worry.

I can see my DP saying the same to me. He often makes jokes about murdering me for my death in service pay out. I don't even blink an eye and just remind him he's not my beneficiary until he puts a ring on it 😉 we watched a documentary about partners murdering their other half and he always joked saying he was watching it to get some ideas

Original poster
notsureaboutthisjoke · 24/12/2022 11:24

Ok... thanks. Like I said, maybe overly sensitive at the min. It just left an uncomfortable taste in my mouth.

OP posts:
PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 24/12/2022 11:25

If he has no form for this, and there are no serious ongoing issues in your relationship, I would put this down as a joke that misfired.

Perhaps tell him that you didn't think it was funny, and why.

StephanieSuperpowers · 24/12/2022 11:25

I wouldn't like it. I don't think it's funny.

garlickypotatoes · 24/12/2022 11:26

I've made indirect jokes like this before...'this bag is big enough to put a body in'. I watch too many true life crime programmes though.

If he's never shown any signs of aggression or violence then it was just a daft, tasteless joke.

YouScumbagYouMaggotHeresKevinTheCarrot · 24/12/2022 11:27

My husband and I always joke about murdering eachother. It makes neither of us uneasy because to be quite frank, there are no issues like that in our relationship and we both have a dark sense of humour.

The fact that you are uneasy about it though makes me think that you need to unpack why.

Cw112 · 24/12/2022 11:28

My oh would make the odd joke about killing me, usually when I do something that is annoying af but it's always in a very light hearted way and never ever makes me feel uncomfortable. I know it's purely a joke and don't mind. I think it's fair enough not to find certain topics funny and you're not wrong about what you're saying I think it comes down to determining are you uncomfortable and uneasy because it made you feel unsafe (I say always trust your gut) or because you felt the topic of the joke was inappropriate and you didn't approve of it?

PotatoScone1 · 24/12/2022 11:28

lighten up.

The amount of buried under the patio jokes there are on here about husbands.

Original poster
notsureaboutthisjoke · 24/12/2022 11:29

I did later say to him (trying to see the humour in it)- you'd need to think it through properly. I mean, you couldn't take my body anywhere in the car as it would be tracked by ANPR cameras, and you'd have to leave your phone at home so GPS couldn't be traced etc. He said "yeah I'd just bury you in the basement, they'd never find you". I did laugh at the time, and so did he. But this was hours ago and as I'm reflecting on it and I'm thinking ...... actually I feel a bit disturbed and that wasn't funny.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 24/12/2022 11:29

I think it was a bit of a clumsy joke inspired by the size of the bag. If you have a good relationship I don't see why you need to think anything else of it.

DH and I often make daft jokes like that. He'll say something daft like what your DH said. I'll reply with something like "only if the poisoned food I just gave you doesn't kill you first".

Neither of us feel at any risk from the other. It's just dark humour.

Original poster
notsureaboutthisjoke · 24/12/2022 11:30

Reading these replies I clearly need to lighten up! Thanks MN for the reality check 🙂

OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 24/12/2022 11:32

I wouldn't like it, but I also don't like "build a patio and put him there" jokes, so.

mrsbyers · 24/12/2022 11:54

Oh god it was a joke , me and my husband often discuss how : where we would dispose of each others bodies , neither of us have ever taken it as a threat just a discussion

Wifflywafflywoo · 24/12/2022 11:55

I dug a hole in the veg patch years ago and realised it looked grave shaped... I shouted for DP and made him lie in the hole to check the fit. Both laughing as the poor old neighbours nosied in looking worried. We have quite a morbid sense of humour though due to our jobs so I suppose to others it might have been in bad taste. In the nicest possible way I think YABU, he was (hopefully) just joking!

Original poster
notsureaboutthisjoke · 24/12/2022 12:14

mrsbyers · 24/12/2022 11:54

Oh god it was a joke , me and my husband often discuss how : where we would dispose of each others bodies , neither of us have ever taken it as a threat just a discussion

Haha I didnt realise this was a thing couples discussed😬

My line of work probably makes me more aware of the realities of these issues (I work in forensics). So maybe my perception is skewed towards not finding it funny. But I shall take the feedback on board, lighten up, and hope he doesn't mean it 😂

OP posts:
IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 24/12/2022 12:15

It was a joke. That's it.

Cuppasoupmonster · 24/12/2022 12:15

PollyPeePants · 24/12/2022 11:24

Lighten up! It was a joke.

This FFS, do you have a sense of humour? It’s the sort of thing DH and I joke about all the time. If he said it seriously and during an argument that would be different entirely.

Original poster
notsureaboutthisjoke · 24/12/2022 12:17

@Cuppasoupmonster

Yes I have a great sense of humour, thanks. DP and I laugh regularly about different things. The topic of my murder hasn't ever come up before in this context though so.... new territory for me!

OP posts:
KSAM · 24/12/2022 12:17

🙄

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/12/2022 12:19

I think you're being over sensitive sorry. He was making a joke more about the size of the ridiculous bag rather than the fact he secretly wants to kill you

thelobsterquadrille · 24/12/2022 12:19

Blimey, I often tell DH I could murder him sometimes Grin

Original poster
notsureaboutthisjoke · 24/12/2022 12:20

I did say I work in a forensic setting. This possibly skews my view as I see the reality of murder on a daily basis.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsureaboutthisjoke · 24/12/2022 12:20

But point taken, I'll lighten up. 😅

OP posts:
booklovingmum · 24/12/2022 12:22

I don't think you need to work in forensics to understand the reality of murder. I think most know that people are most likely to be killed by somebody they know/love and everybody always suspects the spouse because it's more often than not the truth.

It's a joke, but you didn't find it funny that's all and that's fine.

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