Partner joked about killing me

[notsureaboutthisjoke]

I've NC for this.

DP just made a "joke" which I don't find funny, and it's left me feeling a bit uneasy tbh.

We have his 2 older kids staying here for a few days; he's done an early Christmas present exchange with them as they're at their mums tomorrow. He had brought all their presents in from the garage in a huge black hold-all (think ridiculously large size - it's not a normal size one). As he removed the empty bag from the front room he commented "I'll keep that to put your body in later" (to me), then laughed as though he was hilarious.... and his two older kids also laughed (both teens). I was a bit stunned tbh so just replied "yeah course you will, would love to see you get away with that!" (implying he wouldn't be clever enough to get away with murder).

Anyway..... afterwards I just felt a bit weird and disturbed about it. He's never joked about anything like this before, and he's never been violent. AIBU to feel a bit like this wasn't a funny joke to make? Especially as women are actually killed by their male partners?! Or do I need to lighten up as this was clearly a misguided attempt on his part to be funny?

I'll accept if I need to lighten up. I've had a rough week so I may be overly sensitive!

I don't think it's funny? Given the amount of women murdered/threatened/attracted by partners, at best he was being ignorant/distasteful. But what he's actually doing is minimising the threat women feel from men every day in society. And role modelling that as acceptable to his children. I understand your laugh it off reaction due to feeling uncomfortable I'd be tempted to say now in hindsight it wasn't funny. Really surprised at the number of posts to contrary, it's reminiscent of women being told to lighten up when men made sexual innuendos.

Jeeeeeeez, really?! 🙄

@notsureaboutthisjoke thanks for sharing. While I don't share the work/home humour shift, I can understand it and I can see how it may be valuable to reduce the risk of becoming overwhelmed by the things you see.

Is it possible that you need to look into something more to deal with work? A friend worked in the area and coped fine compartmentalising things and very off colour jokes for years until he started to become more uncomfortable with stuff he would ordinarily have shrugged off, such as on TV, jokes and then harmless, innocent things such as particular colours or shapes that reminded him of something, even if he couldn't put his finger on exactly what.

He didn't do anything to access support because he was very much of the 'Don't be daft, I'm fine, I'll snap out of it'. Until he wasn't - it was a slow drip of experiences that got him to the point where he couldn't do it anymore and needed to retire on medical grounds/have intensive therapy/etc, rather than a single catastrophic case.

Would it be better if I ran all my comments and opinions past you, just to makes sure they meet your standards test as to what’s acceptable?

Me and DH joke about this all the time but if it it made you feel weird then yeah good to let him know or you'll never sleep!

I’m on the fence with this. It definitely sounds as if your DP meant it as a joke, probably inspired by the Netflix series you were watching recently. That explains why that thought popped into his head.

OTOH, he also knows that you didn’t like that drama, as he changed the channel for you. So he should have realised that you wouldn’t find it funny. I think you’re right, that he was attempting to be a cool dad in front of his DC.

FWIW, I wouldn’t appreciate a joke like that from my DH (he is a joker), though that’s because I have PTSD as a result of CSA so I would react negatively even if objectively I would know that the intention was to be funny.

You have obviously never experienced male violence. I'm 60 years old and was first beaten by my stepfather until I left home at 16, then by my first husband and was raped at 40 by someone I thought was a "friend". I just thank God every day I'm invisible to men now.

I think you are right he was trying to make a cool dad joke go make his kids laugh.

You think it's all bullshit until it happens to you.

Might as well have a laugh until it does 😉

Unless there are things going on in your marriage you haven’t told us about, it’s a joke.

@Bestcatmum I apologise profusely I hadn't read your previous comment

If he found it hilarious I would likely conclude that it was just banter

So sorry @Bestcatmum 😞

If she made a joke about murdering him and made it in front of her teenage children, well....he might find it funny but I think it's more likely he would feel disrespected and get annoyed.

Well, to find the humour in it ..... at least there were witnesses to his comment in the form of 2 teenage kids. So if I do "go missing" over Christmas, they'll at least be able to point officers to where my body will likely be. 🥴

Unless... they lie to protect their Dad.....😳

Oh god. I think I need a glass of wine 😂

Lighten up

When we got the garden dug up tlast summer there where plenty of jokes between me and DH about who would be buried first. Me and a friend who has also had some building work done also joked about there being plenty of space for any extra bodies if needed. I've also told DH the space under the bushes out front has his name on it and will save a fortune on a funeral etc etc

It’s the quiet ones you gotta watch.

Yeah, you really need to lighten up.

Remember that grey haired widow who married that children's author? They moved into a new house and the neighbour joked about the chess it in the garage and it was a good place to hide the body? And then he drugged her and put her in it along with her treasured dog and she drowned in it. Only when the neighbour mentioned it in passing they found her there. He seemed like a nice jolly man. Turned out he murdered his previous wife. So, maybe just tell him no more jokes as you have enough murder in your life with work and all

Cesspit not chess

It was a joke. If he was planning on killing you he wouldn't be joking about it.

Someone on here said Fred and Rose West joked about killing their children before they did it .... I genuinely didn't know that!