Partner joked about killing me

[notsureaboutthisjoke]

I've NC for this.

DP just made a "joke" which I don't find funny, and it's left me feeling a bit uneasy tbh.

We have his 2 older kids staying here for a few days; he's done an early Christmas present exchange with them as they're at their mums tomorrow. He had brought all their presents in from the garage in a huge black hold-all (think ridiculously large size - it's not a normal size one). As he removed the empty bag from the front room he commented "I'll keep that to put your body in later" (to me), then laughed as though he was hilarious.... and his two older kids also laughed (both teens). I was a bit stunned tbh so just replied "yeah course you will, would love to see you get away with that!" (implying he wouldn't be clever enough to get away with murder).

Anyway..... afterwards I just felt a bit weird and disturbed about it. He's never joked about anything like this before, and he's never been violent. AIBU to feel a bit like this wasn't a funny joke to make? Especially as women are actually killed by their male partners?! Or do I need to lighten up as this was clearly a misguided attempt on his part to be funny?

I'll accept if I need to lighten up. I've had a rough week so I may be overly sensitive!

@nancydroo
Yes I remember that case, I think we can say that men are somewhat prone to murdering their partners, as well as women in general.

But it's hardly comparable with your situation - unless you're about to do a massive drip-feed about how abusive he is and how he beats you / the children on a regular basis.

Fred and Rose West ruled by fear - it's not really the same as someone making a rubbish joke in an otherwise healthy relationship!

OP knows that if anyone is going to murder you it's your partner and now she is looking at him in a new way. Instincts. Trust your instincts!

Tut. My partner and I have made jokes about who is more likely to murder who.

Ok, here's the thing (to me). On the surface it was just a silly joke, no harm intended.

BUT, sometimes there are subjects that people joke about that, for whatever reason, hit somebody else in the 'wrong place'. My DH made a couple of 'jokes' at my expense on a certain subject that 99.9% of the population would have laughed at and thought 'what's the big deal', but the fact is that that subject is very, very sensitive for me and I didn't find them funny at all. So I told him, calmly, that I didn't want him to 'joke' about that subject with me ever again. And he hasn't. It didn't matter that he found them funny. It didn't matter that most people would probably have laughed it off. What matters is that I didn't and that he cared enough about me to be sensitive to my feelings.

If OP has a sensitivity about 'murder jokes' because of the things she sees in her work, then at an appropriate time she needs to tell her DH not to make jokes at her expense about killing her. And he needs to listen and do as she asks, even if he thinks she's being OTT or overly sensitive.

Fairly standard joke I'd say, my partner says silly stuff all the time like that - I'm well aware he is joking!

You’re quite odd OP … you weirdly carried on a joke and then got yourself more upset when he did the same?

That’s the cliche joke to make about a gigantic suitcase. I think you can sleep easy.

Maybe OP has had a bad relationship before and this was triggering for her? Things affect people differently. There is never a right or wrong response, but you feel how you feel for a reason.
Has he ever done anything to make you feel like this before OP? Not necessarily verbally, but even non verbally?

Please don't ever make assumptions about people based on their attitudes and beliefs. I chose not to let my trauma define me, and I wasn't going to demonise all men.

I'm sorry for your experiences though, you didn't deserve it. None of us do.

Merry Christmas. Xx

@cherrycheesecakesouffle

I did carry it on immediately afterwards, which on reflection I think was a defence mechanism as it just didn't sit right. Since then, I've reflected on how it sat really uncomfortably with me and been trying to work out why. Hence my post here.

I once asked a priest at church, if his enormous suitcase had a body in it. (Watch too much detective fiction)

"Lighten up" is a similar comment to "don't be boring, have a drink." Everyone's sense of humour is different - nobody needs to change to fit in with others.

I am my husband's 3rd wife. The previous 2 died of cancer.......apparently......maybe I should be worried.

Everyone's sense of humour is different - nobody needs to change to fit in with others.

That is precisely why people who insist something 'isn't funny' if it isn't their sense of humour do need to change. Otherwise they go through life miserable and constantly complaining is MN is anything to go by.

The only issue I’d have with it is that I might feel it’s a wee bit of a dig, so the kids will laugh at my expense. That would irritate me. But it depends on the dynamic I suppose. Like I wouldn’t care if my own kids had a laugh at my expense like that but stepkids with a more delicate/strained relationship - maybe not.

Keep an eye out for him buying any large bags to bury your body in 😉

Oh get a grip.

I do not think it is funny at all for you - they found it funny though - at your expense. Also - it was in very bad taste - you were the butt of his macabre 'joke'. I suppose he thought he was very clever saying that.

Did you put your back out, with that over reaching?

OP wasn't put down in front of his kids, nor does it mean he's angry at her🙄

I can honestly see why lots of posters on MN are single / don't have any luck OLD if you think this is something to get uptight about?

Yabu op it was a joke.

Well, I've been with my partner for almost 8 years and I've never had problems finding relationships prior to that point so.... I don't think not finding jokes about murder funny explains why some people are single. Strikes me as a tad simplistic of an explanation.

Did you do a survey or something?

They ate cornflakes too. Does he eat cornflakes? You may be living with a serial killer. Even worse his children are in on it 😶