Partner joked about killing me

[notsureaboutthisjoke]

I've NC for this.

DP just made a "joke" which I don't find funny, and it's left me feeling a bit uneasy tbh.

We have his 2 older kids staying here for a few days; he's done an early Christmas present exchange with them as they're at their mums tomorrow. He had brought all their presents in from the garage in a huge black hold-all (think ridiculously large size - it's not a normal size one). As he removed the empty bag from the front room he commented "I'll keep that to put your body in later" (to me), then laughed as though he was hilarious.... and his two older kids also laughed (both teens). I was a bit stunned tbh so just replied "yeah course you will, would love to see you get away with that!" (implying he wouldn't be clever enough to get away with murder).

Anyway..... afterwards I just felt a bit weird and disturbed about it. He's never joked about anything like this before, and he's never been violent. AIBU to feel a bit like this wasn't a funny joke to make? Especially as women are actually killed by their male partners?! Or do I need to lighten up as this was clearly a misguided attempt on his part to be funny?

I'll accept if I need to lighten up. I've had a rough week so I may be overly sensitive!

Well, you definitely sound like a happy go lucky person who likes a laugh.

I've got splinters from the fence on this one.

I worked somewhere where dealing with horrible stuff was part of the everyday routine. We often cracked jokes as a way of dealing with it. Known as Gallows Humour. Apparently it is a thing. Generally tho, the people I worked with were quick-witted and funny. So DP missed the mark on this one, assuming it was just a joke that fell flat. Was he trying to be Cool Dad with his teens? Does he have form for this? FWIW I joke about having to push DH down the stairs, as he's far too fussy with his food to poison him. Not everyone would find this funny. He does, and he knows I luffs him.

I disagree with everyone saying lighten up. This stuff is normalised in society and it shouldn’t be

I'm surprised how many people think this is hilarious. I wouldn't like it either OP, I'd wouldn't find it funny. Just tell him it made you feel uncomfortable and you don't like jokes like that, but I wouldn't make a huge deal of it.

Have read thread and see you’ve established it was a joke.

Am now here to express massive jealousy that you work in forensics!! #truecrimefan

I know this isn’t an AMA thread, but plz tell me your most exciting forensic moment!!!

I find it a bit worrying for your relationship that you are worried by this.

Speak for yourself!! 🙄

Oooh do an AMA!

I threaten to murder my H on a daily basis and I'm sure it is returned. Either of us won't actually do it or even believe we would, it's a joke.

Look it at like this, anyone wanting to kill someone is not going to tell them until there are actually ready to go and have their victim trapped
I take your point, and of course someone who is is very calculated strategic and in control of themselves might behave like this however..... There are many who commit acts of violence who do not cover-up what's really going on under the surface!
I don't think he's really plotting to kill her but I think it's creepy and if this happened to me I'd push back and see if he finds it funny when the boots on the other foot.

I think that's hilarious and often say things like this to my DP 🤣

early joke on our honeymoon, I said to DH ‘you won’t ever divorce me will you?’ and he said ‘of course not! Never. Much cheaper to have you killed.’

We’re still very happily married nearly two decades later.

This. When DH was redoing our patio last year I joked that if I didn't turn up at work I may well be underneath it as I'm worth more dead than alive. DH does the cooking and often jokes about arsenic in my dinner. I don't think for one minute he'd bury me or poison me, I'd be off if I did!

Is your marriage otherwise ok? You are financially independent and he doesnt shout or throw things?

Your response to his joke detailing how he couldnt get away with it logistically was more telling than the fact you didnt find it funny.

If my DH made a crass joke about murder, i wouldn't start telling him how he will be tracked by ANPR if he tried.

And what if he found it hilarious, like many on this thread do?

Gosh it's all a bit serious!😀
As you've realised op,it was just a joke,perhaps it can be considered in bad taste,but the thing is,it was a light hearted comment.
As for the aside about your career,it makes it more unusual you were so upset,most of us having dealt with the deceased,wholly or in part,tend to have a bit of a dark sense of humour to see us through it.
have a great Christmas 🎄

Nope... I didn't activate it because I'm on the app 😂

This really surprised me. I also work in forensics (with offenders, not forensic science) and my colleagues and I have the darkest sense of humour. Unrelated to this, but I'm curious what kind of humour your colleagues have.

For me - I would take it that he was putting you down in front of his kids - how do you get on with his kids? If you get on with them I would take this as a poor joke. If there is tension I would take this as he is making a joke of you to give them a laugh at your expense.
I find it a bit odd so many people are telling you to lighten up. As your partner he’s your person in life and joking about killing you is only funny if it’s the type of banter you normally have. Since you don’t have it it suggests to me that he is angry at you for some reason.

Unless you actually think he might kill you, I think you need to lighten up. It's a joke, not that funny, but a joke nonetheless

I dont find it funny at all! No wonder you are disturbed.
I guess if he joked about a dead body in the bag in a general way, rather than yours, it would be a funny comment.

With regard to my work sense of humour, it's different. It's a coping mechanism for my colleagues and I.

I suppose outside of that context, because I'm exposed to the horrible side of life so much for a living, I like to switch off entirely from it and not be exposed to it, if that makes sense.

DP wanted us to watch a series on Netflix recently called The Killing - I watched the first episode where a body of a young girl is found in the boot of a car at the end, and said I couldn't watch anymore. He was respectful of that. So we watched something lightheaded instead.

It's that sort of thing. At work, it's work and my colleagues and I do what we need to do to cope - so yes, lots of "dark humour". But at home, I need to feel like I'm in a totally different space, if that makes sense. Especially as my job as quite an emotional impact at times.

@ittakes2

I have an OK relationship with his kids. Not super close but not a bad relationship - we tick along fine. He doesn't seem angry at me and didn't when he said it. I honestly think he was trying to be funny cool Dad in front of his kids, like someone else said.

My reply would have been “choose what patio flags you would like to go under” it was a joke maybe some sarcasm back from yourself would lighten the mood!

I wonder what is it that makes you post insulting comments like this. I genuinly would love to know.