DH sulking about sex on Christmas Eve. Sick of it ! AIBU?

[Mummawantsanotherbaba]

Classic tale

Before children we had good sex life .

Now have a toddler and I am 3
Months pregnant and sex life is lacking .

Since I was pregnant with my first baby , DH complained that we weren’t having enough sex and stared to become stroppy.

Before I was pregnant with number 2 we would have sex at least once every 10 days ( I felt i had too make an effort ) . Since I’ve been pregnant it has been once a month. Which is not lots but I have felt absolutely crappy. I work 27 hours a week and when I am not at work I look after the baby. DH does help around the house .

Today is Christmas Eve and for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.

Part of me feels bad for him and I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened. I always said sex was important to me and i would make time for it .

Other part of me is absolutely sick of living with a miserable person who constantly whines like a child about sex.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .

It is hard . Half of me wants empathizes with him. Half of me hates him . It is Christmas Eve and it is now the third day in a row we have argued over sex .

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?

Also the fact he will even have sex with you when he knows you don't want to is gross. Who wants to force someone into sex? Not decent men.

Your lack of sex drive is likely a symptom of a problem, not the actual problem.

& @Curiosity101 nails it. (Pun intended.)

If you can't get that simple base level concept into his thick, entitled head, your marriage is doomed/ Frankly, I wouldn't let that worry you overmuch, especially given that he has form for coercion & extracted promises the ex situation). Bleugh. Sorry you fell for that, & feel you "ought" to comply - see your response to GooseberryCinnamon. THERE IS NO 'OUGHT' HERE.

Alternatively, you could do what @GooseberryCinnamonYogurt suggests, & endure sex you do not want to have, in order to 'keep' a man who is unpleasant. Plenty of women do, but it's Hobson's Choice - constantly deciding which is the lesser of two evils.
It's also not a tongue-in-cheek matter FFS (yes, looking at YOU Gooseberry). What with porn-sick men & over-compliant women accepting the driven narrative that "this is just what men are like", it's small wonder that so many woman feel compelled to Lie Back & Think Of England collude with a rapist.

Your problem isn't a lack of sex. Your problem is your H's overweening entitlement to it is the least sexy thing in your world. It's not your fault the man doesn't know how to chat his own wife up.

PS is he a bit shit in bed? Maybe tell him so. Let the cards fall where they will.
I'd recommend doing the secret lawyer visit & ducks-in-a-row thing first though.

He sounds like a selfish arse to me. I'd be getting a divorce, you can't carry on like this.

I don’t want to have sex anymore.

Then this must stop. You know this.

You do not want sex with him because abusive bullies aren't attractive.

Leave him. This is your only option.

You're an abused wife, and you're so deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) you can't see it. Personally I'm with @billy1966, things are going to get much much worse. You need help, do you have any friends or family who you can talk to and who will support you.

Omg I was married to a sex pest who thought because he had a wife he no longer needed to satisfy himself when I wasn't in the mood and I eventually found out he was getting it from anywhere whether I was providing a service or not.
Needless to say I was better off out of there.

Do you pretend that you are in the mood when you do have sex? Think I would be 'if you really think that you sticking your penis in my vagina is more important than how I feel about you putting your penis in my vagina, then I will make my vagina available' and if he feels that that is a come on for him to have sex then I think that shows how much he cares and be out of there.

Alternatively you could suggest that his hormones are out of whack and maybe he should visit the doctor and gets some bromide (or more modern equivalent) that will help him become less of a sex pest and a better more considerate human.

These are both extreme, but he doesn't seem to care and thinks his behaviour is ok, so maybe spelling it out to him is the only way.

Lack of sex doesn't drive men dotty - that's a narrative constructed by the sex industry. When testosterone comes calling, they can sort themselves out. They don't need to insert themselves into the nearest convenient orifice.

If they want the PRIVILEGE of sex, & genuinely care about mutual pleasure, they need to stop watching porn & imagining it represents most women's idea of what constitutes enjoyment, & start communicating with real women about what turns them on. The woman under their own roof would be a good place to start.

Have you told him that moaning about it is a massive turn off and you’re not even thinking about it when he behaves like that?

the biggest turn off 🤮
sorry you’re with a complaining sex pest op.

How bloody unattractive. Tell him to fuck off.

My ex husband was like this.

He sulked and told me how many days it had been since he last got his leg over. Incredibly unattractive. I told him on more than one occasion that a clean and tidy home made me feel more amorous! and it’s true.

He never got it. He never lifted a finger to help and if he did empty the dishwasher he’d literally spend 15 minutes minimum telling me and moan that he never got any “praise for helping” with housework so that’s why he did nothing. What. An. Arse.

My new husband is Olympic gold standard. Does way more than his share of housework, never moans about it being 6 weeks since we last had a night of romance, woos me every day and doesn’t sulk if I say no to sexy time. Although strangely, he gets way more action than my first husband.

Explain to your man-child that you need to clean the bathrooms, change the beds, vacuum the stairs, mop the hard floor, peel tomorrow’s veg, make a trifle, clean the windows inside, finish wrapping, visit your parents and look after a toddler in between morning sickness and fatigue. The more he helps, the sexier you’ll feel.

I bet he still leaves it up to you, it being woman’s work! Why did you marry this brute? Seriously, he sounds vile and you’re pregnant again…

If you don't want to have sex with him then you need to leave him.

Agree with most of the posters here regarding him being the problem and not you. Am really confused as to why he has chosen to have a young family again. Hasn't he underwent any reflection into the causes of his first marriage actual breakdown. As others have said. No sex is a symptom not the cause. He comes across as very dim to not of considered another small family would lead to less sex again.

Pregnancy, babies, small children are all sex killers but they do not have to be intimacy killers. Cuddles, holding hands and just being there for one another is all intimate. The actual penetrative part is very small in the grand scheme of things.

Also let's flip this another way. What if you had another illness, disease, developed a disability,or had an accident. What would the response to lack of sex be then? Unfortunately I think he doesn't have you as a whole person within his mind set. He is in a relationship because he thinks it entitles him to easy and accessible sex.

Am sorry your going through this. Also pregnant and not in the mood. It isn't unusual or unreasonable. Your body is not his and not even your own right now as you grow the child you both created. We lose so much control while pregnant as we have to allow our babies to grow. Please keep what you can of yourself and don't allow him to invade your body just to keep the peace or make him be quiet. Because that is rape at the end of the day.

Nothing makes you hornier than a man sulking and shouting about not getting sex…..pfft.

Even readying this made me recoil. What an absolute dick. YANBU at all!!

He sounds disgusting tbh.

It might help to clearly spell out that you are tired because he doesn't do enough around the house, and if he wants sex ever to be an option he needs to step up his game.

It might help to spell out he isn't entitled to use your body to cum in, and decent men only enjoy sex that their partner wants to have.

But in truth, I have no idea why you would want to be with a man like this.

My ex was an idiot but he never acted like this!

Instead when he wanted it he would do the majority of housework/cooking, run me a bubble bath, pour me a glass of wine, give me a massage, buy me lingerie etc - not because he was so selfless but because he knew if I felt good then there’s more chance I’d want sex.

Your DH gives me the ick and I’ve never met him!
It’s like he would be happy if you just laid back and took it, even if you weren’t enjoying it!
That’s vile!

I do believe it is important to both make an effort for sex.
But he is the one not making any effort at all.

I do think the fact that this was discussed at the beginning of the relationship is where the issue is - the relationship is literally based on the promise of sex.

It’s very telling that this is why his last relationship ended.

You can’t carry on like this.

I’d sit him down and tell him what a turn off it is to hear him keep asking or giving you the silent treatment and that the more he keeps on, the less you’re going to give it to him.

Then tell him he needs to do more around the house as you are exhausted and he needs to make you feel less exhausted and relaxed which will get you in the mood.

So he either carries on sulking and being a dick resulting in no sex or he can actually stop moaning and help you get in the mood which is much more likely to result in sex.

Kinell, you had me going there for a minute.

Not least because there some nincompoop pops up on every thread with a variation on this theme - their appearance is guaranteed - to make exactly this point.

OP, I can't imagine a bigger turnoff. Tell him when he works on his attitude you will then consider 'making the effort' - note that word, 'consider' - and not until.

Op your mindset towards sex is not good. You are blinded to the fact that you feeling you need to make love your dp in itself is unhealthy and a very clear depiction of yours dps abusive nagging and bullying ways towards sex.

No one is owed sex, even in a relationship. If you feel you have to, to either keep the peace or keep them from straying that is a serious red flag. Even if you can't change your dps sulking at the very least you need to do a 180 on your own attitude towards this. Stop pandering to the man and sorting his needs at the expense of ignoring your own

If you aren't in the mood. If you don't want to do it, whatever the reason. That in itself is enough. And if your so called "darling"partner can't respect that then its your job to advocate for yourself and not buckle into this childish tantrum. The more you give the more he Will expect. Do yourself both a favour and assert some healthy boundaries if at the very least.

Such a common problem. Been there, got the T shirt. Married twice. I genuinely think this is the reason a lot of women live - very happily- alone in their later years. Nothing worse than being pestered for sex you don’t want. (And yes I’m on HRT before someone comes along and suggests HRT and testosterone will have women swinging from the ceilings). I think as women often our sex drive is linked to reproduction, the need to have children, either subconsciously or obviously and when we’ve done that and have done with having more it’s like a switch goes. And often younger women (including me when I was younger) don’t understand or see that because you can’t imagine being in a position where you feel that way, but it happens- which is why so, so many threads like this appear time and time again and so many men feed their new, younger wives the line that their wives have gone off them etc etc. It’s all so normal but we try to pretend as a society that it isn’t.

He’s a child and a bully. Please think about your future with him.

Thanks @ThreeblackCats !!!

When I met him he was wonderful and kind and we had the most amazing 4 years and we decided to have a family . Unfortunately the last 2 years have been stressful re sex. I am having another baby - planned !! As I am late 30s and want another as does my husband and truthfully if we break up - I don’t what to remarry and find some one to have a baby with in my early 40s.

Why be so unkind ?

When I saw the thread title my first thought was

" I bet on the first-ever Christmas Eve, Joseph was sulking like hell about no sex ever ..."

Tell him his persistent immature whinging is a real turn off . At his age he should know better. No wonder his last marriage ended.

I'm usually a big fan of keeping sex going within a relationship, but here, op, I am not going to bother with that. It is no mystery why his first marriage failed and sadly as he has not reflected at all on how he ended up in a sexless marriage, or on the impact young kids have on marriage (in particular sex - lack of). He, if not you, should have known exactly what was going to happen.

Instead of either 1. not starting a new family (definitely the most sensible option for a man who prioritises sex) or 2. making every effort to make your life as relaxed as possible so you are up for sex quickly, he has opted for 3. bully you.

This will be a fast forward of his previous relationship (it always seems to fast forward second time round). Who ended it? Did he cheat and she found out? Or she left? Or he left?

Every time he moaned about lack of sex I’d be replying ‘you need to think about why I don’t want sex with you, you are the reason why I don’t want sex. Now stop fucking moaning!’.

He is an abusive prick, it won’t get better.

I think it isn't uncommon to be honest but I think you are not unreasonable and he should be a bit more reasonable. Perhaps show him all the other answers you get here. All the best OP