DH sulking about sex on Christmas Eve. Sick of it ! AIBU?

[Mummawantsanotherbaba]

Classic tale

Before children we had good sex life .

Now have a toddler and I am 3
Months pregnant and sex life is lacking .

Since I was pregnant with my first baby , DH complained that we weren’t having enough sex and stared to become stroppy.

Before I was pregnant with number 2 we would have sex at least once every 10 days ( I felt i had too make an effort ) . Since I’ve been pregnant it has been once a month. Which is not lots but I have felt absolutely crappy. I work 27 hours a week and when I am not at work I look after the baby. DH does help around the house .

Today is Christmas Eve and for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.

Part of me feels bad for him and I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened. I always said sex was important to me and i would make time for it .

Other part of me is absolutely sick of living with a miserable person who constantly whines like a child about sex.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .

It is hard . Half of me wants empathizes with him. Half of me hates him . It is Christmas Eve and it is now the third day in a row we have argued over sex .

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?

He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.
Being an arsehole is a choice, & he needs to make time to think about why he is being one.

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .
It's really, really hard to fancy a manchild who reckons they are owed sex.
Have you been able to explain this simple concept to him, or does he just blow up when you try?

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?
YANBU, & no.
It's not LAZY to not fancy a stonewalling, sulking, argumentative man. It's normal.

His body hasn't been changed by pregnancy & childbirth.
His body isn't touched out from breastfeeding & constant toddler-mauling.
Until he is able to acknowledge that yours HAS< I think you are at an impasse, & it's so sad.

I bet you've love to be feeling sexy again, but right now you don't, & he's responding to you as if that is a wilful choice. His lack of empathy for the woman who he is meant to love & cherish is horrible - it's all only about him, & his view of you as now somehow being lacking, or faulty, or deliberately 'withholding' something he sees as his due.

Unfortunately, he's now got himself stuck in a transactional mindset.

Unless you can get him along to a sex therapist who is all about what works for women, & why women with small children/in pregnancy now function very differently to their former carefree selves, I can't see him changing.
Because he simply does not acknowldge any need for HIM to change - he reckons it's fine to coerce you with manipulative & shitty behaviour. He reckons you are "in the wrong". He reckons you OWE him sex. He feels like he owns shares in your body, & that you at in breach of contract for not "giving it to him". It just hasn't occurred to him that it's a two-way street, & if he wants a result, HE has to be the one who makes an effort. It's an effort for him not to have sex - so he needs to sort himself out. It's an effort for him to understand how women's bodies work - so he needs to get reading, & educate himself. It's an effort for him to behave decently to his wife unless his sexual wants are provided for - he needs bromide in his tea & a damn good talking to about the nature of women's desire, & consent, & basically just not being a selfish horny teenager.

Funnily enough, sex therapists often kick off the physical part of the therapy by advising a period of total abstinence. I wonder how he'd react if you told him so. If it's anything along the lines of "ok I grudgingly go along with that but if you haven't put out by xyz date, I'll be hell to live with" then you have your answer - he values you for sex, not yourself. Because any man who valued you would be appalled that he'd not only shot himself in the foot with his sex pestering - but that he had wounded his beloved wife by pushing her so hard she's gone of the notion completely.

Good god, I don't even know where to begin...

He's shouting about sex on Christmas eve? that in itself would be bad enough but the fact you have a toddler AND are pregnant really puts the cherry on the cake.

I suppose there's an awful atmosphere now?

Tell him if he wants to act like a toddler who didn't get his sweets that he can piss off to his Mums house and leave you in peace!

What a pig.

Why would you want to have sex with someone that shouts at you.

@BungleandGeorge , it may take a lot longer than 6 weeks for sex to be comfortable, never mind enjoyable after birth.

After my first DC in the late 90s, my midwife told me that I should try to have sex by my 6 week check. I'd had an episiotomy, as well as other tears. That kind of dangerous misogyny is still very much around.

I think you know the reason why his first marriage failed. You probably went into it thinking you would never be like that. Your sex life ebbs and flows throughout marriage , I had abnormal cells burnt off then major abdominal surgery. I don't think we had had sex for about 3 months because obviously I wasn't in the mood or able too. It sounds like he's an arse I didn't want sex when I was 3 months pregnant either. If he can't be supportive now imagine what he would be like if you got ill? He sounds like he wants a sex doll and maid.

Oh behave 🙄

On the flip side you must surely realise a sexless marriage is unsustainable when one party is not a willing participant in the decision. The next natural progression is usually a thread from a devastated OP because DH has cheated and they can't understand why he wasn't happy.

It's a vicious cycle, he moans which puts you off, so he moans a bit more.
The cycle needs to be broken, he shows you respect and affection (with no expectation of sex) and stops moaning about it and then maybe you will feel more inclined.

She has a toddler and is pregnant, it's well known sex life dips with young kids and pregnancy.

I’d be pointing out to him in no uncertain terms that sex with an unwilling partner is rape. If he wants you to be more “up for it” then he needs to be asking what he can do to help you, be it giving you time to have a nap and boost your energy levels or a bit of plain old fashioned romance.

I have no time for men who whine about lack of sex, it is not an entitlement and the complaining is just the biggest turn off. A partner (male or female) is not a sex toy to be used whenever he feels the need. If he’s that desperate tell him to grab a box of tissues and head to the bathroom.

It's not a sexless marriage, it's a month without sex. She's pregnant and has a toddler.

@JoyBeorge , so you think the DH has no responsibility for finding himself in a 2nd marriage where his wife is no longer attracted to him, having been previously?

I think actually it is the ex and current wife that have been short changed in an intimate relationship. He is killing any hope of a meaningful sexual relationship with anyone and totally oblivious.

What a foul man. Kick the fucker out. Ugh.

You don't want to have sex with him. (And who could blame you??) You don't find it appealing, or satisfying. I assume the sex itself is not orgasmic and amazing for you, either because he's not doing what you need or because the thought of sex with him is so off-putting that there's no way you'd be sexually satisfied.

If the sex was truly satisfying for you, if being sexual with him made you feel valued and cared for and loved and physically very, very good...you'd want to 'make time for it'. It's not your fault that you don't want bad sex.

Please note: you don't want sex with him. You say you valued intimacy, and beyond the immediate physical and mental demands of your pregnancy and young children, you will again. But not with him. Because... yuck.

You are not the problem in your sex life. He is. He is stopping you from having a sexually satisfying marriage. Do not accept his narrative that your refusal is the problem.

At the end of the day, expecting someone to have sex when they don't want to is shitty abusive behaviour. I don't know how any man will happily shag away knowing that his partner doesn't really want it but is doing it because she feels she should. It's gross. OP is pregnant with a young child and most likely knackered. Tell him to go have a wank and don't do anything you don't want to do.

I couldn't ever be with someone who moaned about the lack of sex. It's so disrespectful and deeply unattractive.

If you want to stay in the relationship could you have a discussion at a different time about the dynamics of your relationship in relation to sex and agree a better way forward?

My ex was a whiner about sex. He just couldn't grasp that the more he whined the less likely he was to have it. Its SUCH a turn off.
In the end it literally destroyed our relationship. I couldn't even look at him sat on the sofa without being grossed out. He wanted kids and I'd sit looking at him like this is not the man I want raising my children.
My DH doesn't care if we have sex every day or once a month. If he tries and I'm not in the mood. He respectfully leaves it at that and we put a film on or spoon instead. Funnily enough, the lack of pressure means we have a very healthy sex life, including through my pregnancy and as soon as it was comfortable to do so after.
The problem is absolutely NOT you. It's your whining man child of a partner. He now has two women who he's given the ick to the point they don't want to sleep with him, you'd think he'd be able to work that out himself.

This in spades ☝️

For starters, tell him that his behaviour, ESPECIALLY the whining, is an enormous turn-off, and the more he does it, the less he'll be getting. He doesn't sound very respectful in general. An understanding partner would take on board when you were too tired, sick, pregnant etc to be in the mood all the time.

Mandatory severing and restitching of the perineum for all dads in the delivery room would be one answer.

Then they have to make their DW's parents cups of tea and smile while doing it on arrival home.

I was you about 13 years ago. Fast forward, add a couple more kids and it never, ever got better. Four children we could leave with relatives and go away with friends. As soon as we got to whichever hotel we were staying at, he would want sex. They’d all be meeting for drinks: I would want to join them. He would sulk and ruin every single meal/trip/event. Sex with your wife is a right, he said. He turned me more and more off over the years (yes it is a vicious cycle) to the point where I slept with him whenever he wanted to but he made my skin crawl. Luckily, I found out that he’d been cheating on me - no protection either! So it gave me a reason to leave him. He’s a narcissist (read up on that…) so there is no way I could have been the one to end the relationship without a reason. I tried…

Five months down the line and I am happier than ever! There’s a lot to sort out but it’s all 100% worth it. And guess what? I’m not broken and I don’t have a low libido, like he constantly told me. Turns out, kindness is a turn on. I have kissed one person since and it was the polar opposite to kissing him.

So just keep it all in your mind. From my experience, he is unlikely to change as he doesn’t see it as anyone’s problem but yours. If you’re lucky, maybe he will.

I have no regrets about leaving him.

Good luck

I would tell him very sternly that you are not going to be coerced into having sex when you feel ill or just don't feel like it. Tell him that if he is the kind of man who wants a woman to have sex with him because she SHOULD and he is ENTITLED then he can have a long hard look at himself.
Then tell him how desperately unsexy it is when he whines, moans and sulks.
Then tell him that shouting is abusive and you won't put up with it.
Wish him a Merry Christmas and tell him if he wants a wife in 2023 he'll sort himself out.

30 days of no sex does not a sexless marriage make, stop being dramatic.

You know what, he’s perfectly entitled to feel upset if he craves intimacy and sex. What he doesn’t get to do is act like a prick, treat you like shit and stomp around the house like a petulant toddler. It’s ridiculous behaviour and does he honestly think you want to shag someone acting like a 4 year old 🤮

HarvestThyme makes a great and very valid point. If sex with your DH was really good then you would want to make time as it would give you a real boost and be hugely enjoyable and satisfying. Even when you are really tired, sex can be energising. Your DH needs to prioritise your happiness but it doesn't sound like he does.

Gross. I’ve been there. The worst part is that they are happy to have sex even though they know you’re only doing it because they make you feel like you have to.