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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH sulking about sex on Christmas Eve. Sick of it ! AIBU?

387 replies

Mummawantsanotherbaba · 24/12/2022 09:57

Classic tale

Before children we had good sex life .

Now have a toddler and I am 3
Months pregnant and sex life is lacking .

Since I was pregnant with my first baby , DH complained that we weren’t having enough sex and stared to become stroppy.

Before I was pregnant with number 2 we would have sex at least once every 10 days ( I felt i had too make an effort ) . Since I’ve been pregnant it has been once a month. Which is not lots but I have felt absolutely crappy. I work 27 hours a week and when I am not at work I look after the baby. DH does help around the house .

Today is Christmas Eve and for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.

Part of me feels bad for him and I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened. I always said sex was important to me and i would make time for it .

Other part of me is absolutely sick of living with a miserable person who constantly whines like a child about sex.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .

It is hard . Half of me wants empathizes with him. Half of me hates him . It is Christmas Eve and it is now the third day in a row we have argued over sex .

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 24/12/2022 19:21

Tell him you can see why his first wife dumped him, and does he want you to do the same? Tell him that acting like a baby and sulking is giving you the ick.

Believeinyou · 24/12/2022 19:28

he sounds abusive OP.....it's no wonder you've gone off wanting intimacy with him and now u know what happened with his ex as well ....what a horrible man

Bigdamnheroes · 24/12/2022 19:32

He sound like an arsehole and I would struggle to find him remotely attractive even if he was the best looking man on earth. However I do think that he isn't unreasonable to be bringing it up as he has said from the start that he doesn't want a sexless marriage and you promised that wouldn't happen. The way he is bringing it up though is childish and unacceptable.

Littlepuddytat · 24/12/2022 20:16

YooniqueMe · 24/12/2022 16:42

To be honest, I think it's reasonable to want sex more than once a month.

I know it's an unpopular view on here but I think it's Christmas Eve, yes you could make the effort.

Surely if you had sex with him more, he'd stop whinging and then you'd desire him more etc etc and things would improve?

Or talk to him and get him to agree not to mention it at all for x days /weeks, and you make an effort to initiate during that time.

Or would he be happy for you to pleasure him in other ways?

Are there any other days of the year that you think the op should submit to sex she doesn't want to stop him punishing her?

Or just Christmas Eve?

MiniHouse · 24/12/2022 20:32

Mummawantsanotherbaba · 24/12/2022 17:49

Wow ; so many replies .

I am not withholding sex- just I have had awful morning sickness so we have averaged one a month for the past 3 months.

Baby wakes in night and I sooth him. I’m very tired and with this pregnancy I feel exhausted.

for me , the issue is the way DH strops, refuses to talk to me and shouts. He never sits down and talks calmly. So the more he shouts the more I don’t want him which creates a cycle .

I think anyone who is shouted at and called a frigid bitch and liar and is told she is a shit fucking wife whilst working 27 hours a week and trying hardest with step children and to look after the house will end up not wanting intimacy .

i think the issue is that DH is bullying me and I’m sick of it. I’ve just lost any desire for him.

To those saying I shouldn’t have had a second baby- maybe I was selfish but I’m late 30s and I was desperate for another and DH said he would like one more so I thought I would follow my dreams. Selfish potentially.

To people asking about DH first marriage . All I know is that intimacy stopped and they didn’t have sex any longer so lived in separate rooms. He was upfront and said he hated living like friends and hoped to avoid this . I was naive and assumed this wouldn’t happen with us but his constant moaning and Cristism has made sex such an awful subject .

At the end of the day I’m unhappy and so is DH and we can’t live this way.

Oh no, he shouldn't be calling you a bitch, ever. It needs to stop. I think it needs explaining how out of order he is, how this is abusive behaviour that is intimidating and will not make you want to have sex with him . He sounds scary tbh I don't know if maybe you'd want to do that via counselling as it also sounds like he has issues. You must be a very strong person, to do everything that you're doing and have to contend with this selfish, abusive behaviour.

I think it's either counselling or it's unfortunately worth preparing to leave him. Maybe not at this moment but if things don't improve. I'm so sorry you have faced this whilst pregnant, it's awful 😞.

hellycat · 24/12/2022 20:56

I just keep thinking that until 30 years ago, men were basically allowed to compel their wives to have sex with them, as the woman could not give nor withhold consent. Many women hence came to see all-weather sex (whether pregnant, ill, knackered or menopausal) as their duty and a necessary evil of marriage. It disturbs me to think that many men nowadays seem to hanker back to this as a golden age. It's the central tenet of incelism, for instance. Something is badly, badly wrong with sex and relationships education and in pre-marital counselling if men are still continuing to regard marriage and monogamy in this way. Watching porn from the age of 13 where a woman is portrayed as an empty-headed insatiable slut hardly helps either.

I'm so bloody glad I'm single.

WhatLikeItsHard · 24/12/2022 21:24

To people asking about DH first marriage . All I know is that intimacy stopped and they didn’t have sex any longer so lived in separate rooms. He was upfront and said he hated living like friends and hoped to avoid this . I was naive and assumed this wouldn’t happen with us but his constant moaning and Cristism has made sex such an awful subject.

I wonder what story he will make up to tell his third wife.

From what you have written, he sounds completely vile and abusive.

WhatLikeItsHard · 24/12/2022 21:28

for me , the issue is the way DH strops, refuses to talk to me and shouts. He never sits down and talks calmly. So the more he shouts the more I don’t want him which creates a cycle.

This is what real intimacy is about for me - being able to talk through things, rather than shouting and sulking like a petulant child.

You can get naked and fuck each other (probably on his terms), but you can't tell him what's bothering you? That's not how a marriage or an intimate relationship should be.

DonnaBanana · 24/12/2022 21:45

I would definitely be bringing up marriage counselling at this point. He might even jump at the idea because he will think he has a reasonable position despite having zero communication skills. Then he will see the error of his ways and perhaps learn those skills in counselling.

Blossomtoes · 24/12/2022 21:49

I wonder what story he will make up to tell his third wife.

I imagine he’ll stick to the same one. And he’ll make sure she doesn’t want kids.

Sandra1984 · 24/12/2022 21:54

Blossomtoes · 24/12/2022 21:49

I wonder what story he will make up to tell his third wife.

I imagine he’ll stick to the same one. And he’ll make sure she doesn’t want kids.

I believe that after 4 kids he’s done with breeding so he won’t have this problem with the third wife? What if he then falls ill, gets depression and needs medication that will wipe out his libido and his third wife leaves him because she doesn’t want to be in a sex leas marriage?

karma is a thing 🤣

Sandra1984 · 24/12/2022 21:54

Sexless.

BadNomad · 24/12/2022 22:02

That wouldn't be karma. That would just be the natural consequences of a relationship becoming sexless when you're with someone who doesn't want a sexless relationship.

BabyOnBoard90 · 24/12/2022 22:13

I genuinely can't see the issue in a man wanting to sleep his wife. Especially at this infrequent level.

I wouldn't take much comfort from overwhelmingly terrible advice on here. There are several threads of women complaining their husband doesn't want sex and everyone slanders the husband. They can't win

My 2 cents

TenzingNorgay · 24/12/2022 22:25

You should have spent them on something else.

SueVineer · 24/12/2022 22:29

BabyOnBoard90 · 24/12/2022 22:13

I genuinely can't see the issue in a man wanting to sleep his wife. Especially at this infrequent level.

I wouldn't take much comfort from overwhelmingly terrible advice on here. There are several threads of women complaining their husband doesn't want sex and everyone slanders the husband. They can't win

My 2 cents

It’s not that he wants to sleep with his wife that’s the issue. It’s that he whines, shouts and aggressively tries to coerce her into sex. As she is three months pregnant it’s not like it’s even been that long.

of course it’s reasonable enough to want sex in a relationship. But it’s life that there will be periods in ever relationship where one party does not want to. It’s never acceptable to rape women or try to coerce them into sex (or men either of course).

Sandra1984 · 24/12/2022 22:37

BabyOnBoard90 · 24/12/2022 22:13

I genuinely can't see the issue in a man wanting to sleep his wife. Especially at this infrequent level.

I wouldn't take much comfort from overwhelmingly terrible advice on here. There are several threads of women complaining their husband doesn't want sex and everyone slanders the husband. They can't win

My 2 cents

I want to see that thread of a 3 month pregnant man with a toddler working a full time job whose wife aggressively demands sex, whines and aggressively tries to coerce him, then read the comments of the MN female posters slandering him for not caving to her needs.

ArcticSkewer · 25/12/2022 02:40

Blossomtoes · 24/12/2022 21:49

I wonder what story he will make up to tell his third wife.

I imagine he’ll stick to the same one. And he’ll make sure she doesn’t want kids.

Why would he make sure she doesn't want kids? Does he show any signs of understanding the impact of pregnancy and babies on sex drive?

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 25/12/2022 04:15

called a frigid bitch and liar and is told she is a shit fucking wife

Does he actually call you this, OP? If so, he is an abusive bastard. LTB. That's it. LTB. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. I'd personally be re-thinking the pregnancy, but you already have one with him so are tied to him unfortunately. No woman should put up with being emotionally and verbally abused and put down.

BoxOfCats · 25/12/2022 04:39

This isn't actually about the sex, it's about the fact that he's a bully.

He is behaving in a controlling and manipulative way. The sulking behaviour is designed to punish you into doing what he wants. This alone would be grounds for me to walk away.

Raindancer411 · 25/12/2022 05:01

Just starting the obvious here, but have you said all this to him and how it's making you feel? Pressure just puts people off doing anything and less enjoyable.

liarliarshortsonfire · 25/12/2022 05:45

Maybe his first wife got bullied and shouted at over sex and she stopped finding him attractive, and refused to lie back and think of England to stop the emotional abuse.

OP, you are not put on this earth to give this man sex and let him use you as his emotional punch bag. It's Xmas Eve and he's picked an argument over sex. I can't say I'm in the slightest bit surprised you don't want sex with him.

Tiani4 · 25/12/2022 06:51

www.thehotline.org/resources/a-closer-look-at-sexual-coercion/

Please read this OP

MyEasterEggs · 25/12/2022 08:23

Mummawantsanotherbaba · 24/12/2022 17:49

Wow ; so many replies .

I am not withholding sex- just I have had awful morning sickness so we have averaged one a month for the past 3 months.

Baby wakes in night and I sooth him. I’m very tired and with this pregnancy I feel exhausted.

for me , the issue is the way DH strops, refuses to talk to me and shouts. He never sits down and talks calmly. So the more he shouts the more I don’t want him which creates a cycle .

I think anyone who is shouted at and called a frigid bitch and liar and is told she is a shit fucking wife whilst working 27 hours a week and trying hardest with step children and to look after the house will end up not wanting intimacy .

i think the issue is that DH is bullying me and I’m sick of it. I’ve just lost any desire for him.

To those saying I shouldn’t have had a second baby- maybe I was selfish but I’m late 30s and I was desperate for another and DH said he would like one more so I thought I would follow my dreams. Selfish potentially.

To people asking about DH first marriage . All I know is that intimacy stopped and they didn’t have sex any longer so lived in separate rooms. He was upfront and said he hated living like friends and hoped to avoid this . I was naive and assumed this wouldn’t happen with us but his constant moaning and Cristism has made sex such an awful subject .

At the end of the day I’m unhappy and so is DH and we can’t live this way.

Please ignore the comments about you withholding sex. You’re bloody exhausted! My little one was two before she slept through the night and sex was the last thing on my mind. You have a toddler and a pregnancy to contend with. Don’t justify yourself to anyone.

It also sounds like things were better when you were TTC a second and it’s gone downhill again so forget about the “selfish” comments.

He’s a bully and an arsehole. Full stop.

emptythelitterbox · 25/12/2022 09:23

Your H is a bullying abusive twat. saying things like "called a frigid bitch and liar and is told she is a shit fucking wife" to you.

You can figure out this is exactly what happened with his first wife. The kids came along and he decided he had to be the biggest child, sulking, swearing, pestering for sex.

Have you bluntly told him how unattractive and a complete turn off his behaviour, cursing, shouting, sulking is to you?

Ask him how often he'd be up for it if you insulted his manhood and performance as often as he's sulking and shouting at you.

He seems to not care of is quite thicke on his own self awareness.