DH sulking about sex on Christmas Eve. Sick of it ! AIBU?

[Mummawantsanotherbaba]

Classic tale

Before children we had good sex life .

Now have a toddler and I am 3
Months pregnant and sex life is lacking .

Since I was pregnant with my first baby , DH complained that we weren’t having enough sex and stared to become stroppy.

Before I was pregnant with number 2 we would have sex at least once every 10 days ( I felt i had too make an effort ) . Since I’ve been pregnant it has been once a month. Which is not lots but I have felt absolutely crappy. I work 27 hours a week and when I am not at work I look after the baby. DH does help around the house .

Today is Christmas Eve and for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.

Part of me feels bad for him and I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened. I always said sex was important to me and i would make time for it .

Other part of me is absolutely sick of living with a miserable person who constantly whines like a child about sex.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .

It is hard . Half of me wants empathizes with him. Half of me hates him . It is Christmas Eve and it is now the third day in a row we have argued over sex .

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?

🤣🤣🤣

They always miss that part out of the Nativity plays at school.

He sounds coercive and rapey.

He's got eyes, he can see you're pregnant, he can see you've got a toddler together, he probably expects you to deal with the mental load.

He can also use his eyes to read a pregnancy book and it'll say in almost every book you might want less sex, along with other things family can do to support you during your pregnancy.

He isn't doing any of this stuff because he doesn't want to.

He's not dumb.

If he wanted to put you first and consider your needs, he would.

You won't change him.

His first marriage ended under similar circumstances.

He's got form for this.

He's a manipulative coercive rapey man.

No wonder you've got the ick.

You are pregnant and have a toddler. I think your doing well having sex at all. Your husband would give me the ick. I was on bed rest with my first. We had no sex for the whole pregnancy. My husband didn't cry like a baby he went and met his own needs. You should feel coerced into sex. You should only have it when both of you want it. Not to satisfy his needs.

Also fuck his whininess.

You can't compromise when it comes to consent.

Consent isn't just verbal.

If he's having sex with you when you don't want it and he's whining and moaning to make you do it he's fucking vile.

Get rid.

🤣🤣

Moght focus minds @Velvian, you're right.

I guess some people have to be taught some empathy the hard way.

There is nothing more sexy than a man shouting that he deserves sex.

Gets my knickers wet.

Am really confused as to why he has chosen to have a young family again. Hasn't he underwent any reflection into the causes of his first marriage actual breakdown.

That’s very insightful. I don’t understand it either. There’s no self awareness. He’s done the typical middle aged male thing of leaving one marriage, marrying someone younger who’s childless and repeating the pattern. Very young families just aren’t very often compatible with a rampant sex life. He’s a tit.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-11206279/Is-partner-sex-pest-Tracey-Cox-reveals-women-complaining-gropey-husbands.html
“I told him that the more full on he is, the less I want it', said the woman on Mumsnet. His reply was if he didn't ask, it would never happen.

This is true: if you're constantly being hassled for sex, you never get the time and space to build desire and instigate yourself.

But pestering makes his objective harder to achieve, not easier.

If women are pestered for sex, their desire for it falls. It's one way to guarantee we will NEVER instigate sex again.”

@Mummawantsanotherbaba I can only imagine the first 4 years were amazing because you didn't have the pressures that having small children bring.

I'd expect (as I see time and time again in real life and on Mumsnet), that you both probably had plenty of free time and that you both had plenty of rest etc. You probably did more of the 'womens' work but as you had so much free time it was barely a blip on your radar.

Then in comes a newborn. You now literally have more to do than can ever be done in the day and you've had no proper sleep. Your DH on the other hand 'helps out' but for some reason mostly sleeps properly and doesn't seem stressed/ worn out? Funny that... that gives him plenty of time to still want sex and to be incensed that you don't.

Honestly OP you don't owe him sex. No one owes anyone sex. Sure, maybe he'll leave you (he doesn't have to put up with a sexless marriage), but he is likely the issue here not you. All you can do is explain what you need from him and then see what he says. I'd also be 100% clear that you will not be putting up with him shouting/whinging about lack of sex. Categorically tell him that it will not get him sex, but will actually do the exact opposite and push you further away.

This is why I'm happy been single.

Tell him that the more he moans and sulks the less you will feel like having sex with him.

His problem is that he is completely unable to communicate like a normal adult male. He has regressed to a child not getting what he wants.
Sulky, whiny and having tantrums. Can he see this? Can he see how revolting it is. Its become a battle of wills. The marriage will fail unless this is resolved.
I had the same ex husband. Thats why he's an ex. I didn't fancy having sex with a sulky child like man.

“I am having another baby - planned !! As I am late 30s and want another as does my husband and truthfully if we break up - I don’t what to remarry and find some one to have a baby with in my early 40s.”

@Mummawantsanotherbaba then have your baby, see if life with him gets better and if he doesn’t suddenly get a personality transplant, leave him. You will have your two babies that you wanted and can then get on with being a single parent.

I am saying this because you are married to a man who has a gross approach to sex - he doesn’t care that you don’t feel like it and, by the sounds of it, would be quite happy for you to grit your teeth and think of England as long as he got all the sex he wanted.

As to your comment that you were even back at it 6 weeks after giving birth, was this because you wanted to or felt like you had to?

A very loud “FUCK OFF” will probably do the trick. Honestly, nothing more unattractive than a sex pest. Why can’t he have a wank like a normal person 🙄

Seriously. This is probably the biggest turn off imaginable.

Why do these men never seem to think, "oh, she's not feeling like having sex at the moment. What can I do to help her relax/turn her on?"

Why is it always, "aye I'll shout and whinge at her, that'll do the trick."

Absolutely keep your baby I can’t believe anybody would suggest otherwise.

Then you’ve got a toddler and a baby, and you can decide what you want to do with your teenager at a later date.

Not surprised his first wife stopped having sex with him either. Bizarre how these men never realise they are the problem.

He sounds revolting. I could not be married to such a petulant, sulking man child.

Because it has worked in the past.

Because that would involve thinking about someone other than himself.
He's a selfish twat OP and I hope you find the strength to leave him as soon as possible.

LTB

Have you pointed out that he’s the common denominator in his sexless marriages and rather than behaving like a teenage incel he should perhaps reflect on why neither of his wives want to have sex with a lazy sulky man child?

people prioritise activities they find pleasurable. So maybe he needs to rethink his technique
the fact that he gives zero shits about your pleasure or active consent is deeply unattractive. He’s basically coercing you because he cannot be bothered to be an equal partner.

the lack of sex is a direct result of his lazy selfish behaviour. Spell that out to him