DH sulking about sex on Christmas Eve. Sick of it ! AIBU?

[Mummawantsanotherbaba]

Classic tale

Before children we had good sex life .

Now have a toddler and I am 3
Months pregnant and sex life is lacking .

Since I was pregnant with my first baby , DH complained that we weren’t having enough sex and stared to become stroppy.

Before I was pregnant with number 2 we would have sex at least once every 10 days ( I felt i had too make an effort ) . Since I’ve been pregnant it has been once a month. Which is not lots but I have felt absolutely crappy. I work 27 hours a week and when I am not at work I look after the baby. DH does help around the house .

Today is Christmas Eve and for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.

Part of me feels bad for him and I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened. I always said sex was important to me and i would make time for it .

Other part of me is absolutely sick of living with a miserable person who constantly whines like a child about sex.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .

It is hard . Half of me wants empathizes with him. Half of me hates him . It is Christmas Eve and it is now the third day in a row we have argued over sex .

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?

His miserable, petulant attitude would make me drier than the sahara and I love sex and have a high sex drive.
I dont know why some men cant see that- whining and pressuring is not attractive and especially when you arent feeling well or are pregnant/tired. Also, completely disgaree with a PP- this isnt a "sexless marriage" FGS, the OP is pregnant with a small child. Its natural that sex fades a bit in that period and its likely to pick up again once everyone is less stressed and getting more sleep. Saying he's justified in cheating is a vile and repulsive thing to say.

I think you need to have a very strong word with him and spell this all out to him like the man child he clearly is.

When I had a toddler and baby I was fucking exhausted. I also had a sex pest to contend with and back then would have happily declared that I never wanted to have sex again in my life time.

Then I met somebody I fancied and discovered that the problem wasn't all me being tired, I just no longer fancied him

You're with the wrong man OP. Sorry you're dealing with this crap at Xmas.

I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened.

He's the problem, he's grossly unsexy, unattractive, whiney, manipulative and abusive. Short hop from "give me sex" to "I'm taking it anyway".

I'd blow up at the fucker and then leave him, what a fucking dickhead. FWIW OP, and everyone is different, but I'm heavily pregnant and also have a toddler. DH doesn't badger for sex, we've given up and accepted that mandating sex 3 times a week just doesn't work so whether it's once a week or once a month we just make sure it is quality rather than quantity eg. Everyone arrives at their destination, we can use the fancy accessories if necessary or not, time is actually spent on both of us, and intimacy is key. It's working much better (for us) but again, he's not a badgering arsehole.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

Note his phraseology, it's horribly telling.

Not "we didn't have sex". He didn't GET sex.
You are a faulty vending machine. And you know what frustrated, angry people do to faulty vending machines. This is why he is metaphorically kicking you.

Not "arrghh I fancied you so much & really wanted the closeness, but we didn't manage it - what do you think is happening with us?"
He doesn't give a shit about your feelings, your motivations, about solving this problem as a unit. He thinks he HAS the solution - you have sex whether you feel like it or not, because he thinks you owe him. He's put his money in (not literally, although it wouldn't surprise me if that's part of it) - by committing, marrying, having DC - & thinks that's his end of the transaction" (boak) complete. You are now a malfunctioning appliance, & as he can't get the manufacturer to issue him with a replacement, he's going to sulk & kick off, instead of looking at HIMSELF & how his nasty behaviour is making the situation worse.

Yuk. This would be gross at any time but to harrass you lile this about sex during early pregnancy when you're exhausted and feel unwell, uuugh.

He knows you don't want sex but is bullying you to do it anyway. Ask yourself what kind of man wants to have sex with someone that he knows does not want to do it.

I’d be pointing out to him in no uncertain terms that sex with an unwilling partner is rape

I wholeheartedly agree that OP's DH is an arsehole- a manchild who has no respect for the woman he purports to love. But this is going too far: helps noone and minimises the experiences of abused women. Stop it.

Tell him you don't want a sexless marriage either but whingey adults acting like children are a massive turn off. Explain you would happily have sex with someone you found more attractive and maybe his ex wife has a very healthy sex life now with someone more mature and capable.

This post worries me.

"I know I should"

He is abusive and you are now conditioned to think that you are the one in the wrong.

Leave this marriage. And I don't say that lightly. This will not get better. He has no respect for you.

Yuk, I've been there on the pressure and sulking. Am now divorced thank god.

However the problem with this is that it's impossible to recover any intimacy as any attempt to have any closeness eg hug or quick kiss is taken as a sign for sex and suddenly you've got a boner shower up against your hip and or a hand on your bum/ boobs. That meant I never did anything and it killed it totally.

I'd say something on the lines of

"Gross, everytime you whine like a teenage boy it puts me off even more. Why don't you try helping me out more in the day - maybe even a bit of romance and then I may be in the mood more."

I’m never understand why men like this guy want to have second families having completely fucked it the first time he’s gonna recreate it exactly the same scenario with you. He needs to be in an adult Dinky relationship where they are nothing but each other’s sole source of attention. The sooner he recognises that the better.

Clearly the guy can't even get himself off so what use is he to you?!

Only read OP's posts.
He was married before and this happened. - The common denominator is him.
He sounds horrible.

What KettrickenSmiled said is spot on. Sex isn’t something you ‘get’ and you don’t owe someone the right to use your body to have an orgasm. If his balls are blue his hand is nearer.

ew
think you need to talk to him today
its Christmas Eve you have a dc and a you’re pregnant. Maybe after tomorrow you can make some time for each other if you’re both off. If you want to. But he can’t be sulking and making a fuss like this.

realistically though I’d be repulsed, his first resort was sulking and his second plan was to throw a tantrum on Christmas Eve

has he tried talking to you?
asking what you want or how you feel? Asking If you see this as long term or just because you’re pregnant and feel unwell? Has he asked (or just done) anything to help you feel better or take things off you so maybe you feel less rubbish and tired and may be more interested in sex, Is he doing anything you like to get you in the mood, has he thought about your feelings or wants in anyway or is he just whining that you’re not ready to service him?

@JoyBeorge

The reason I make myself have sex with him is because i have started to get scared he will totally with draw and look elsewhere . I get it . For thr first time in our relationship I felt worried the past few months that he must be looking at other women as I’m just not wanting anything sexual .
it is awful to feel like if you don’t give sex you will get punished with your partner looking elsewhere but at the same time I think - if he really did that then I’d be well rid of the bastard when I found out !

your post is bitter sweet. Realistic yet horribly saying - well don’t be surprise if he gets it elsewhere .

DH doesn’t get the sex he wants but I don’t get a lot of things I want but I wouldn’t have an affair / look elsewhere .

I have suffered with eating disorders and I lost alll the baby weight . It took a year but I lost every pound . I try to look good but I’m just exhausted and tired and I feel lonely and I’m sick of DH shouting and I guess I’m past being able to take one for the team. I don’t want to have sex anymore .

And I hundred percent agree with the post that this won’t get better it will get worse. He will start fucking around behind your back. He thinks he deserves something he’ll go and get it for him self. No matter what the cost to you or your children.

I’m sick of having an adult shouting at me and not talking to me.

You do realise this behaviour is abusive, right?

Whatever it related to. Then on top of this you have him at best not understanding consent, at worse trying to bully you into sex.

I am a lone parent. I know it can seem a scary prospect. I have been a lone parent since my children were babies so I understand how in your head you may feel like you can't do this, how will you cope etc. But you can. And it would be a much, much better life for your children than living in this abusive environment with a man who treats their mother in this way.

Absolutely.

What efforts is he putting into your relationship, to make you want to be intimate with him? Aside from shouting at you, sulking, moaning, giving you the silent treatment, & generally treating you as another household appliance. Does he actually realise that he's pushing you away with his bullying, it sounds like he's thinking exclusively about what he wants & not about what he might do to remedy the situation.

FWIW, after I gave birth to our DD, I was so traumatised by the whole experience & the possibility of getting pregnant again - I'm on medication that causes serious birth defects so I'd probably need an abortion or risk a seriously ill baby, but can't take contraception, I've tried everything - that my libido basically died off. DH just accepted it. That was 10 years ago & it was only once I got to my late 30s, almost 2 years ago, that it even started to improve. He's never blamed me or got shitty with me about it.

Grim. Entitled. Sex should be for you both, but something he feels is either bestowed or denied him.

As he is acting like a kid treat him like one: every time he strops or whines about sex, take a point away on his chart. Every time he's kind, considers your feelings or your exhaustion or does something nice for you, give him a point. When he's got enough points say you'll shag him if you're feeling alright.

I'm only half joking.

OP, you use phrases like "make yourself have sex", "give sex".

Please realise what is happening here.

If the relationship was good you'd want to have sex. Understandably, because he is an abusive bully, you don't. And you feel obliged to force yourself to do it. And he knows you don't want to but is happy to go ahead anyway? It must make your skin crawl.

I don't think there's any way back from this. Honestly, you do not need him. Just end it.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex.

Literally tell him this. Who wants to have sex with a whiney baby? Maybe it's his turn to make the effort and make you actually feel interested in having sex with him.

Once you have a newborn and toddler to cope with what do you think will happen?

You poor woman.

He abused his ex and now he is bullying and abusing you.

This is who he is and this is your life going forward.

In your shoes I would re think this pregnancy and look at getting out.

Another child with a shouty sulky man is no life to stay for.

This is the time to be really honest with what you want for your future.

Another child with a bullying sex pest is only going to make your life so much harder.

I understand suggesting a termination is not what you might want of course, but it sounds as if your marriage is on the way out IMO.

Good men do not behave like this, abusive men do.

Reach out for support.

Ring Women's aid for a chat.

This doesn't have to be your future.