DH sulking about sex on Christmas Eve. Sick of it ! AIBU?

[Mummawantsanotherbaba]

Classic tale

Before children we had good sex life .

Now have a toddler and I am 3
Months pregnant and sex life is lacking .

Since I was pregnant with my first baby , DH complained that we weren’t having enough sex and stared to become stroppy.

Before I was pregnant with number 2 we would have sex at least once every 10 days ( I felt i had too make an effort ) . Since I’ve been pregnant it has been once a month. Which is not lots but I have felt absolutely crappy. I work 27 hours a week and when I am not at work I look after the baby. DH does help around the house .

Today is Christmas Eve and for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.

Part of me feels bad for him and I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened. I always said sex was important to me and i would make time for it .

Other part of me is absolutely sick of living with a miserable person who constantly whines like a child about sex.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .

It is hard . Half of me wants empathizes with him. Half of me hates him . It is Christmas Eve and it is now the third day in a row we have argued over sex .

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?

Oops pressed post by accident. At 3 months pregnant I was either in work, bed or head in the toilet so YANBU!!!

Jesus what a fucking bell end. There's nothing more gross than a man sulking over sex, you're not his cum vessel. I'd seriously be thinking of leaving, he's disgusting and has no respect for you.

@StephanieSuperpowers he doesn’t say I’m useless and lazy but I feel that way . It is Christmas Eve and I am the vans guy. The nasty one who won’t give sex. Poor my husband .

Tell him to listen to this, have a good think about it and then consider how he might approach things differently

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/sex-in-long-term-relationships-with-dr-karen-gurney/id1598538518?i=1000560959162

Seriously it's a bit of a revelation (you should definitely listen too). Demanding sex is the least sexy thing ever. Giving you love and support and affection, WITH NO EXPECTATION THAT AFFECTION LEADS TO SEX is so much more sexy and will bring the intimacy that will lead to sex in relationships. But with the acceptance that things change at times.of the month, when tired with small kids, when pregnant/postpartum etc.

@StephanieSuperpowers
i am the bad guy.*

My EX was like this. He went on one Christmas Eve I gave in and lay there crying while he got on with it.
Last time that happened was 30 years ago. Never again. Massive contribution to our divorce.

Well after it happened in his first relationship it doesn't take a genius to work out the common factor does it? I'm guessing he isn't owing membership fees to MENSA. Did he learn anything from that situation?

Well yes. He learned that there's always a new woman if the old one no longer does what you want, when you want.

Rather than just moaning like an child about it he should be making effort to take pressure off you on the days he is not working and giving you foot rubs, back rubs etc. Maybe then you’d actually be up for a quick one in the evening leading up to bedtime.

Jeez, I feel for you OP but honestly he'd be out on his ear

I can see both sides here.

If I were pregnant and had a child and hassle in daily life, I wouldn't want it either! And he shouldn't guilt you into feeling you should do it.

At the same time he has his needs (wants) and it makes sense, though his behaviour is not okay. Tell him to go sort it out himself! He needs to communicate it better, otherwise he won't get any at all!

I dont think we had much sex when I was pregnant or with tiny kids. It was difficult to get it back afterwards, once you have got out the habit it can be hard to get back into it and maybe he is worried about that having seen it happen before- he is not worried that you're having less sex temporarily, he is worried that this is the beginning of the end, you don't love him any more etc.

Having said that, pressuring your partner to have sex is absolutely never ok and sulking because you're not getting sex is an act of coersion and just grim, who would want to have sex with someone who was doing so because they had been worn down by the grumping? Going silent and grumpy to get your way over anything is not the way to communicate in a relationship.

Have you managed to sit down and discuss this with each other calmly and told him how his behaviour makes you feel? Would he agree to counselling?

He needs to get over himself, if you don’t want sex, it shouldn’t happen, end of. Also he’s not ‘helping’ around the house, it’s his house too and needs to do his fair share

This is so grim. Why would you WANT to have sex with someone reluctant? He can have a wank and get on with it.

The way he's approaching this isn't great, but it is unlikely to stop either, until the two of you have an adult conversation. You both need to put effort into your relationship - which isn't necessarily having sex, but definitely is a conversation agreeing ground rules as to how you'll both approach it. This doesn't have to be a write-off.... I'm assuming you love each other (hence the second child!) and you can talk honesty.

If that doesn't work then it's unlikely to improve for either of you with two small kids. Might be worth setting this out for him - you love him and want him, but the both of you made the choice to be parents and this is what happens for a while.

Sounds like he was the reason his first wife didn’t want sex with him either. He’s the problem, not you. A good man doesn’t behave like this.

I think the tiniest bit of reflection on his part would make him realise that there is a common denominator in his previous marriage and your marriage.

He needs to treat you with respect and care at an absolute minimum before you would be sexually attracted to him.

Sulking and threats are probably the least alluring behaviours. I don't think it is you that needs to try harder.

He’s horrible . This would probably relationship ending for me (assuming it won’t improve).

Having sex 6 weeks after birth and then every 7-10 days isn’t a large amount. If he has a high sex drive and you’d discussed and said that sex was important to you too possibly you’re just not very compatible now. It sounds like you’re both annoyed with the other, positive communication has stopped. It might be worth going to counselling to talk things through with a neutral party?

Nasty prick. I didn't want to have sex at all when pregnant and DH never mentioned it once. Cos he's not an arsehole.

I think if it was your OH wanting more intimacy in your relationship then that’s one thing you can work on. Intimacy works if you are respecting each other, talking and communicating.

However, your OH is wanting demanding sex. So your needs are not on his radar. That you feel lazy, inadequate and lacking is awful.

You have a 2nd child coming so a toddler and newborn. It’s unlikely that you will be up for sex much, you will likely be exhausted and your OP should be thinking about how he can best support you and his family.

OP play this forward - what do you think is going to happen?

Just reading that killed my sex drive. Shouting because his pregnant wife is not in the mood?

Wow, I wonder why his first wife got the Ick.

Exactly like my Ex H and he would sulk for days over it. One of the reasons we divorced. Not all men do this thankfully.

Children seem to be the death knell of so many relationships- because of lack of sex.
It’s a very common problem.
No sex for men does seem to drive them dotty -( Blame testosterone!)
Women who take testosterone say their sex drive goes through the roof.

Probably living alone is easier if one really dislikes and resents a partner sexually.

Man child is a selfish twat and anyone would get the ick.