DH sulking about sex on Christmas Eve. Sick of it ! AIBU?

[Mummawantsanotherbaba]

Classic tale

Before children we had good sex life .

Now have a toddler and I am 3
Months pregnant and sex life is lacking .

Since I was pregnant with my first baby , DH complained that we weren’t having enough sex and stared to become stroppy.

Before I was pregnant with number 2 we would have sex at least once every 10 days ( I felt i had too make an effort ) . Since I’ve been pregnant it has been once a month. Which is not lots but I have felt absolutely crappy. I work 27 hours a week and when I am not at work I look after the baby. DH does help around the house .

Today is Christmas Eve and for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.

Part of me feels bad for him and I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened. I always said sex was important to me and i would make time for it .

Other part of me is absolutely sick of living with a miserable person who constantly whines like a child about sex.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .

It is hard . Half of me wants empathizes with him. Half of me hates him . It is Christmas Eve and it is now the third day in a row we have argued over sex .

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?

"I just have empathy and know how to compromise." THIS is the key to any successful romantic relationship.

What does it tell your partner if you shout at them for not having sex to your schedule?

You ansolutely have the right not to want sex. He also has the right not to stay in a sexless marriage. Sex is an important part of life IMO, not at all something to be dismissed as unimportant.

He shouldn't sulk, but you do need a proper conversation and then he needs to decide what he wants to do.

This!!!

it’s completely reasonable for you to not want sex , for whatever reason . Equally it’s reasonable for your husband to want sex regularly . Personally I would sit him down , tell him that the constant nagging / sulking / moaning about the lack of sex isn’t inspiring you to be more forthcoming so he needs to make a decision that he wants to be in this marriage with the limited sex or he wants out .

So you predicated this relationship on the basis that sex was important to you and an integral part of a good relationship but have now completely changed the rules and are surprised he’s upset ?

Sorry but a lot of man hate here and catastrophizing that your man’s behaviour makes him the worst of the worst when in reality it isn’t as bad as many have made it seem.

Yeah I get it that under the circumstances your not in the mood and his approach isn’t helping but theres no point making out a guy thinking with his balls is somehow such a strange thing your better off without him. The vitriol in the comments here really makes me wonder what the intentions are of some of you… my first suggestion would be to be very careful who’s commentary you pay attention to because a lot of it is really misplaced from where I am sitting.

it may be for example that you just need to spell out to you man what you need to be more in the mood and see if he’s willing to make the effort… for all we know he may be more than willing to run you a candle lit bubble bath cook you both a nice meal and then give you a half hour massage to your music of choice and ten minutes of tossing your salad in return for sex in your position of choice and this may suit you just fine.

And no harm in making whatever pleasure you can provide so good that he is willing to treat you right to experience it again…

No doubt he is probably a bit of an idiot like most of us and all he needs is a bit of a help with what it would take for you to be in the mood… yes spelling it all out isn't the typical Hollywood movie script but what have you got to loose.

The problem is a sulky sex pest is such a massive turn off, if you wanted to have a shag you couldn't/ wouldn't.

No woman should have sex she doesn't want to have to appease a whining, sulking DH who hasn't bothered to woo her and rev her up and take some worries off her shoulders and understand the least bit how she might be feeling.
He sounds like a liability. Not very arousing at all.

How the fuck is he in a sexless marriage? They were having sex fairly regularly for a couple with busy lives and a young child until she got pregnant 3 months ago and they've had it once a month since then, which is totally understandable as the first trimester is shit. If you truly think that not wanting sex while in the first trimester means you're suddenly in a sexless marriage I don't know what to say really 🤷‍♀️ but yet again another thread where I end so fucking thankful for my own DH so that's something good I suppose!

Some truly 🤢 takes on here.

Dude - stop it.

OP isn't withholding intimacy. It's been one month, because she is PREGNANT, & knackered.

He isn't shouting occasionally. He's escalated to the point of shouting at her about sex as soon as he wakes up.

You seem like you haven't RTFT so with courtesy, perhaps you need directing to the PP who wrote that men who moan about lack of pregancy or post-parturition sex whould have their perineum ripped apart & stitched back together. And then smile while they make their inlaws tea, because obviously, no matter their physical pain, all the domestic load still belongs to them.

OP's husband WANTED these children. You'd think, as this is his 4th child brewing, he'd have worked out how gruelling pregnancy can be - let alone while wrangling a toddler.

Once a month or every 3 weeks isn't enough for most couples, but sulking and demanding is the biggest turnoff anyway. Being 3 months pregnant is a horrible time so it's a double whammy. Talk to him. Explain your side of things. Tell him he is giving you the ick and see how it goes.

Yep, and me. My ex decided that, at age 47/50 we were both past sex lol🙄

I wasn't past anything, even after discussion he wouldn't budge, so I found someone else. After 30 years of marriage.

20 years on I am happily married to my second husband, and we have a healthy relationship in all ways.

Being rejected makes you feel awful, and I feel sorry for anyone (male or female), in this soul destroying loop.😗

Blimey.

I would say that being coerced into sex you don't want is far more soul destroying than just not getting sex as often as you like.

There's something seriously wrong with your relationship if you think it's the person who is being coerced that needs to change, and not the coercer.

OP's husband WANTED these children.

I’m not convinced about that. I suspect a lot of men entering second marriages in middle age would be very happy not to have any more children, especially when the first batch are teenagers.

@mumuser124

Just to clarify - you think the op should just grit her teeth and allow her husband to have sex with her unwilling body like some kind of sex doll because it's ... Unkind... To not allow it?

Being rejected makes you feel awful, and I feel sorry for anyone (male or female), in this soul destroying loop

Being bullied into sex (otherwise known as sexual abuse, coercion and rape) makes you feel awful and i feel sorry for anyone in this soul destroying loop.

Nothing more of a turn off than a person behaving like a controlling petulant child over not getting sex.

For what it’s worth, I have 2 children and have never had sex whilst pregnant.
Each to their own but me and Dh never fancied the idea of it 😂

Both of these statements are true and if OP and her DH can't find some middle ground, they will need to separate IMO. He can't be expected to live without sex any more than OP should be forced to have it.

That has got to be the most vomit inducing 'advice' I think I've ever read on here, and that's really saying something.

She isn't withholding sex. It's only been a month.
You seem to have forgotten she's 3 months pregnant - somehow that doesn't surprise me, as I don't think you are a mum. In fact, I think your username is a tiny pun. But that's unimportant. What IS important is that this isn't how decent men behave.

Decent men - & I can quote real life examples - have empathy & insight. Realise that sex is a privilege, not a right. A want, not a need.

OK - decent dude 1:
Wife had unplanned ectopic. Pain like she had never experienced before. Nearly died. Rushed to emergency surgery, survived. Home to convalesce, signed off work for weeks (complications). Decent dude's response?
"I felt so helpless. It was a real challenge, not being able to take her pain away. She's incredible - she managed all that 600 miles from home, ALONE. She must have been terrified. I felt useless, all I could do was catch a plane & hold her hand. I hated myself for not being able to help her. It's my body that did this to hers - OK it's both of us but shot I feel guilty. She can't be intimate with me for maybe a few months, & I still fancy the pants off her, but I don't feel horny - I feel protective. It's weird, but good, & if it becomes a problem for me I'll sort myself out til she tells me she wants me again."

Decent dude 2:
(Talking with upset woman friend).
Woman: "He's calling me frigid. He says he's going to say so in his divorce papers to the court."
Decent Dude: "He's insane. UK divorce doesn't work on tit for tat any more."
Woman; "But it's not fair. I'm not frigid. I just hate it when he comes to bed stinking of booze & hasn't showered for 4 days."
Decent Dude: "Can't help you with that. But - if your bloke is stupid enough to write that about you & submit it to a court - I can tell you what a male judge will think."
Woman: "Oh god no am I going to have to talk about all that in a court?"
Decent Due: "No. Because a male judge will read it & just think "another stupid twat doesn't know how to chat his own wife up.""

Now I've got a little challenge for you @Mumuser124
Out of OP's husband, & dude 1 & dude 2 - which of them is the one "getting" the least sex do you reckon?

Don't think your husband has got the message that marriage is about the union of two adults for life. A wedding certificate is not a fucking voucher entitling a man to sex whenever he wants it until the end of his days. I feel that men should be told this in no uncertain terms when you speak to the celebrant prior to your wedding. Also see menopause.

Of course you shouldn’t be forced into sex but if you are not having a healthy sex life then there is something seriously wrong with your relationship.

No shit, Sherlock.

So you think being shouted at for sex is a winner do you?
It's all the OP's fault is it?

You might want to learn to read the OP's posts properly