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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH sulking about sex on Christmas Eve. Sick of it ! AIBU?

387 replies

Mummawantsanotherbaba · 24/12/2022 09:57

Classic tale

Before children we had good sex life .

Now have a toddler and I am 3
Months pregnant and sex life is lacking .

Since I was pregnant with my first baby , DH complained that we weren’t having enough sex and stared to become stroppy.

Before I was pregnant with number 2 we would have sex at least once every 10 days ( I felt i had too make an effort ) . Since I’ve been pregnant it has been once a month. Which is not lots but I have felt absolutely crappy. I work 27 hours a week and when I am not at work I look after the baby. DH does help around the house .

Today is Christmas Eve and for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.

Part of me feels bad for him and I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened. I always said sex was important to me and i would make time for it .

Other part of me is absolutely sick of living with a miserable person who constantly whines like a child about sex.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .

It is hard . Half of me wants empathizes with him. Half of me hates him . It is Christmas Eve and it is now the third day in a row we have argued over sex .

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 24/12/2022 17:34

Noaveragemum · 24/12/2022 15:37

Sorry but a lot of man hate here and catastrophizing that your man’s behaviour makes him the worst of the worst when in reality it isn’t as bad as many have made it seem.

Yeah I get it that under the circumstances your not in the mood and his approach isn’t helping but theres no point making out a guy thinking with his balls is somehow such a strange thing your better off without him. The vitriol in the comments here really makes me wonder what the intentions are of some of you… my first suggestion would be to be very careful who’s commentary you pay attention to because a lot of it is really misplaced from where I am sitting.

it may be for example that you just need to spell out to you man what you need to be more in the mood and see if he’s willing to make the effort… for all we know he may be more than willing to run you a candle lit bubble bath cook you both a nice meal and then give you a half hour massage to your music of choice and ten minutes of tossing your salad in return for sex in your position of choice and this may suit you just fine.

And no harm in making whatever pleasure you can provide so good that he is willing to treat you right to experience it again…

No doubt he is probably a bit of an idiot like most of us and all he needs is a bit of a help with what it would take for you to be in the mood… yes spelling it all out isn't the typical Hollywood movie script but what have you got to loose.

When you have to spell out to another adult that shouting at you & stonewalling is not conducive to to getting you more in the mood, I suspect you're already flogging a dead horse, caring-relationship-wise.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/12/2022 17:38

Blossomtoes · 24/12/2022 15:47

OP's husband WANTED these children.

I’m not convinced about that. I suspect a lot of men entering second marriages in middle age would be very happy not to have any more children, especially when the first batch are teenagers.

Then perhaps he shouldn''t have gone along with having them. OP has confirmed that they were planned.

EllesB · 24/12/2022 17:46

Hugasauras · 24/12/2022 16:37

Has this been posted on some sort of 'I hate women' site or something? Seems an influx of very 'interesting' characters.

Yes, it has been posted on some variety of incel/red pill/MRA forum and now the thread is being brigaded by men posing as female posters. I’ve been reporting several users that habitually do this, including the one that I suspect shared the thread elsewhere and started the pile-on.

Mumsnet moderators, please notice that these posts started abruptly on page 11 or 12 after the thread was linked on another site.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/12/2022 17:47

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 24/12/2022 15:54

That has got to be the most vomit inducing 'advice' I think I've ever read on here, and that's really saying something.

Show quote history

It's also put me right of salad, as I can only imagine that ten minutes of tossing your salad was a metaphor. Unless noaveragemum knows as little about dressing cold vegetables as she(?) appears to know about the nature of consent.

Sorry but a lot of man hate here and catastrophizing that your man’s behaviour makes him the worst of the worst when in reality it isn’t as bad as many have made it seem.
FFS

"Can you please stop punching me in the face every morning?"
"No can do, plus, stop CATASTROPHISING it's not like I'm beating you with a golf club. It's NOT THAT BAD, other people have just made it seem that way."
**

thingumybob · 24/12/2022 17:48

There's a name for forcing someone to have sex when they don't want to.

Original poster
Mummawantsanotherbaba · 24/12/2022 17:49

Wow ; so many replies .

I am not withholding sex- just I have had awful morning sickness so we have averaged one a month for the past 3 months.

Baby wakes in night and I sooth him. I’m very tired and with this pregnancy I feel exhausted.

for me , the issue is the way DH strops, refuses to talk to me and shouts. He never sits down and talks calmly. So the more he shouts the more I don’t want him which creates a cycle .

I think anyone who is shouted at and called a frigid bitch and liar and is told she is a shit fucking wife whilst working 27 hours a week and trying hardest with step children and to look after the house will end up not wanting intimacy .

i think the issue is that DH is bullying me and I’m sick of it. I’ve just lost any desire for him.

To those saying I shouldn’t have had a second baby- maybe I was selfish but I’m late 30s and I was desperate for another and DH said he would like one more so I thought I would follow my dreams. Selfish potentially.

To people asking about DH first marriage . All I know is that intimacy stopped and they didn’t have sex any longer so lived in separate rooms. He was upfront and said he hated living like friends and hoped to avoid this . I was naive and assumed this wouldn’t happen with us but his constant moaning and Cristism has made sex such an awful subject .

At the end of the day I’m unhappy and so is DH and we can’t live this way.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 24/12/2022 17:58

At the end of the day I’m unhappy and so is DH and we can’t live this way. Flowers

What are your alternative options, OP?
I note you seem to take care of the SDC too - is that right? Or does he step up fully to being a parent?

hellycat · 24/12/2022 17:58

So basically his first marriage failed because he nagged and harangued his wife for sex when they had young children?

OP, do you think you've married a wrong un? I am very sorry. It is such a shit Christmas for you, but he doesn't sound a good or considerate man. Did the words 'frigid bitch' actually come out of his mouth?

Whatwhatwhatnow · 24/12/2022 17:59

Mummawantsanotherbaba · 24/12/2022 17:49

Wow ; so many replies .

I am not withholding sex- just I have had awful morning sickness so we have averaged one a month for the past 3 months.

Baby wakes in night and I sooth him. I’m very tired and with this pregnancy I feel exhausted.

for me , the issue is the way DH strops, refuses to talk to me and shouts. He never sits down and talks calmly. So the more he shouts the more I don’t want him which creates a cycle .

I think anyone who is shouted at and called a frigid bitch and liar and is told she is a shit fucking wife whilst working 27 hours a week and trying hardest with step children and to look after the house will end up not wanting intimacy .

i think the issue is that DH is bullying me and I’m sick of it. I’ve just lost any desire for him.

To those saying I shouldn’t have had a second baby- maybe I was selfish but I’m late 30s and I was desperate for another and DH said he would like one more so I thought I would follow my dreams. Selfish potentially.

To people asking about DH first marriage . All I know is that intimacy stopped and they didn’t have sex any longer so lived in separate rooms. He was upfront and said he hated living like friends and hoped to avoid this . I was naive and assumed this wouldn’t happen with us but his constant moaning and Cristism has made sex such an awful subject .

At the end of the day I’m unhappy and so is DH and we can’t live this way.

If I was called a frigid bitch and shit fucking wife then I couldn't continue in the relationship. It sounds like there are problems beyond mismatched sex drives here.

jamoncrumpets · 24/12/2022 18:07

If he's shouting at you and demanding sex that way it's abuse. And I'd be making him aware of that too.

You did have a big warning about this, he's just repeating history. He believes your primary job (and his ex's) is (was) to service his penis.

You've got to be assertive here, because he isn't getting it at all. Tell him that calling you those things will result in no sex ever.

camembertiscalling · 24/12/2022 18:09

Mummawantsanotherbaba · 24/12/2022 17:49

Wow ; so many replies .

I am not withholding sex- just I have had awful morning sickness so we have averaged one a month for the past 3 months.

Baby wakes in night and I sooth him. I’m very tired and with this pregnancy I feel exhausted.

for me , the issue is the way DH strops, refuses to talk to me and shouts. He never sits down and talks calmly. So the more he shouts the more I don’t want him which creates a cycle .

I think anyone who is shouted at and called a frigid bitch and liar and is told she is a shit fucking wife whilst working 27 hours a week and trying hardest with step children and to look after the house will end up not wanting intimacy .

i think the issue is that DH is bullying me and I’m sick of it. I’ve just lost any desire for him.

To those saying I shouldn’t have had a second baby- maybe I was selfish but I’m late 30s and I was desperate for another and DH said he would like one more so I thought I would follow my dreams. Selfish potentially.

To people asking about DH first marriage . All I know is that intimacy stopped and they didn’t have sex any longer so lived in separate rooms. He was upfront and said he hated living like friends and hoped to avoid this . I was naive and assumed this wouldn’t happen with us but his constant moaning and Cristism has made sex such an awful subject .

At the end of the day I’m unhappy and so is DH and we can’t live this way.

You haven't done anything wrong.

Morning sickness is the worst. I'd like to see any of these men who are posting or wannabe cool wives have sex when they have norovirus - that's basically what they're expecting you to do in order to keep the man of the house happy 🙄

That aside, he sounds abusive. He is unable to see his behaviour (which seems to be escalating?) is causing the lack of sex. He has the option to walk away himself and find all the sex he wants elsewhere but instead he stays and abuses you.

I hope you have the strength to leave him. Maybe 2 failed marriages due to his behaviour might be the wake up call he needs.

thingumybob · 24/12/2022 18:11

Mummawantsanotherbaba · 24/12/2022 17:49

Wow ; so many replies .

I am not withholding sex- just I have had awful morning sickness so we have averaged one a month for the past 3 months.

Baby wakes in night and I sooth him. I’m very tired and with this pregnancy I feel exhausted.

for me , the issue is the way DH strops, refuses to talk to me and shouts. He never sits down and talks calmly. So the more he shouts the more I don’t want him which creates a cycle .

I think anyone who is shouted at and called a frigid bitch and liar and is told she is a shit fucking wife whilst working 27 hours a week and trying hardest with step children and to look after the house will end up not wanting intimacy .

i think the issue is that DH is bullying me and I’m sick of it. I’ve just lost any desire for him.

To those saying I shouldn’t have had a second baby- maybe I was selfish but I’m late 30s and I was desperate for another and DH said he would like one more so I thought I would follow my dreams. Selfish potentially.

To people asking about DH first marriage . All I know is that intimacy stopped and they didn’t have sex any longer so lived in separate rooms. He was upfront and said he hated living like friends and hoped to avoid this . I was naive and assumed this wouldn’t happen with us but his constant moaning and Cristism has made sex such an awful subject .

At the end of the day I’m unhappy and so is DH and we can’t live this way.

This is not a good man OP. I'm sorry but I think you need to start making plans for a future without him.

thirdfiddle · 24/12/2022 18:11

Yep, nasty abusive man. You don't need to make excuses for what sex you do or don't want. You're carrying his child and getting up in the night after his toddler, looking after you and taking as much load off your shoulders as possible should be any decent man's priority.

If he was a decent man and treating you well you might well fancy it more, but it's not transactional like that, if he was a good bloke he'd look after you regardless.

Please get safe. Someone who can shout abuse at a pregnant woman with his toddler listening in is not safe to be around.

Jellycats4life · 24/12/2022 18:17

This is abuse.

Shouting and whining and calling you names because he can’t stick his penis in you is abusive. It’s gross.

I mean, at what point do you need to start worrying that he might assault you?

Sandra1984 · 24/12/2022 18:20

@Mummawantsanotherbaba T

So now you know why the intimacy with his ex wife stopped OP and they stopped having sex, because he was doing the same thing to her he’s doing to you. I’m a huge advocate of calling ex partners of the person I’m about to get into a serious relationship with so they can give me their side of the story . It would save us so much disappointment and heartache.

Afterfire · 24/12/2022 18:34

jamoncrumpets · 24/12/2022 18:07

If he's shouting at you and demanding sex that way it's abuse. And I'd be making him aware of that too.

You did have a big warning about this, he's just repeating history. He believes your primary job (and his ex's) is (was) to service his penis.

You've got to be assertive here, because he isn't getting it at all. Tell him that calling you those things will result in no sex ever.

Yep. Eventually he’s just going to end up alone and wanking because what women is going to put up with this shit? It’s so tedious and abusive.

Afterfire · 24/12/2022 18:34

Sandra1984 · 24/12/2022 18:20

@Mummawantsanotherbaba T

So now you know why the intimacy with his ex wife stopped OP and they stopped having sex, because he was doing the same thing to her he’s doing to you. I’m a huge advocate of calling ex partners of the person I’m about to get into a serious relationship with so they can give me their side of the story . It would save us so much disappointment and heartache.

Someone should create a “rate my ex” app. 😆

Sandra1984 · 24/12/2022 18:40

Afterfire · 24/12/2022 18:34

Someone should create a “rate my ex” app. 😆

Show quote history

Yes. My ex had a ex girlfriend put a restraining on him (he told me she was crazy). Once I dumped him after 3 months I totally understood why she put a restraining order. I wish I had called her at the beginning. Would have saved me 3 precious months of my life I will never get back.

SuperFly123 · 24/12/2022 18:50

Onnabugeisha · 24/12/2022 17:16

To be honest, I think it's reasonable to want sex more than once a month.

While this is a reasonable want, it’s absolutely not ever reasonable to be moaning and starting rows over your partner not wanting sex as often as you do. No one has a right to have sex, but everyone has the right to not have sex. The partner with the lower sex drive trumps all. If the partner with the higher sex drive cannot accept this, and cannot accept being no pressure about sex, then they can fuck right off. They absolutely cannot moan and apply pressure and eventually coerce their partner through emotional blackmail into having sex. Coerced sex is not consensual sex. It is rape.

☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️

AdamRyan · 24/12/2022 19:09

I feel like posters who refer to sex as "intimacy" are a bit of a red flag to be honest. (Not you op- I saw it in you last post,not what I'm talking about).

Sex does not necessarily equal intimacy. Intimacy does not necessarily equal sex.
There seem to be a lot of men who think saying "there was no intimacy" is going to get them more sympathy than "my wife doesn't want sex as much as me".

pinkyredrose · 24/12/2022 19:10

I think anyone who is shouted at and called a frigid bitch and liar and is told she is a shit fucking wife whilst working 27 hours a week and trying hardest with step children and to look after the house will end up not wanting intimacy

😮😡

AdamRyan · 24/12/2022 19:10

I think anyone who is shouted at and called a frigid bitch and liar and is told she is a shit fucking wife whilst working 27 hours a week and trying hardest with step children and to look after the house will end up not wanting intimacy .
And op Yes exactly. This is not the behaviour of someone who loves you - you don't have to tolerate it.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 24/12/2022 19:12

for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.
except in his world, you wouldn't be allowed a choice.

op, i thought you should leave him after the first post. After reading your updates, you definitely need to make a plan to leave.

Lennon80 · 24/12/2022 19:15

Wow! He’s a sex pest ! He’d be out on his ear! He sounds vile!

America12 · 24/12/2022 19:15

YooniqueMe · 24/12/2022 16:42

To be honest, I think it's reasonable to want sex more than once a month.

I know it's an unpopular view on here but I think it's Christmas Eve, yes you could make the effort.

Surely if you had sex with him more, he'd stop whinging and then you'd desire him more etc etc and things would improve?

Or talk to him and get him to agree not to mention it at all for x days /weeks, and you make an effort to initiate during that time.

Or would he be happy for you to pleasure him in other ways?

Have you travelled here from 1950 ?Confused