DH sulking about sex on Christmas Eve. Sick of it ! AIBU?

[Mummawantsanotherbaba]

Classic tale

Before children we had good sex life .

Now have a toddler and I am 3
Months pregnant and sex life is lacking .

Since I was pregnant with my first baby , DH complained that we weren’t having enough sex and stared to become stroppy.

Before I was pregnant with number 2 we would have sex at least once every 10 days ( I felt i had too make an effort ) . Since I’ve been pregnant it has been once a month. Which is not lots but I have felt absolutely crappy. I work 27 hours a week and when I am not at work I look after the baby. DH does help around the house .

Today is Christmas Eve and for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.

Part of me feels bad for him and I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened. I always said sex was important to me and i would make time for it .

Other part of me is absolutely sick of living with a miserable person who constantly whines like a child about sex.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .

It is hard . Half of me wants empathizes with him. Half of me hates him . It is Christmas Eve and it is now the third day in a row we have argued over sex .

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?

Introduce him to his right hand

TBF he sounds very unattractive

The relationship the OP's husband wants isn't healthy.

It's sex on his terms whether she wants it or not.

There's a name for that

Withholding sex is incredibly abusive. What it does to a person is just shattering. You are telling them they are not worthy of love, they are unattractive, they are not a priority in your relationship

She isn't withholding sex like it's some sort of right. His behaviour is a massive turnoff, making him unattractive and he's making himself less of a priority to her. None of this is her fault.

Your responses are very shaming to women to not abide by their partners needs and wishes as if it's all one sided and the women is responsible at all times. Both partners are responsible. If you act like a knob, be prepared for no one to like you or want to have sex with you - works for both parties 🤷‍♀️

So many “pick me, pick me” women on this thread. Thank God for them if they actually take these sorts of men off the market as it’s then less likely that that the rest of us will encounter men like her DH.

Apologies @OldFan Not meant for you.

If he has been like this since before the first baby was born, why are you still with him and why did you have another baby with him? Are you expecting him to change overnight? Do you communicate with him how you feel? You’ve made a rod for your own bank by stating and having another baby with him.

The very phrase “withholding sex” is dreadful. Sex isn’t transactional. I’ve been on both sides of this type of relationship and I can understand how awful it feels but from the other side there is no amount of rest / helping with childcare/ housework etc that could have reignited my libido. When it went it was just like a button gone off and that was that. I guess maybe it’s not the same for everyone but I do think for a lot of people it isn’t a case of the other person being able to “do more” and it isn’t a case of “withholding” on the other side. It’s just a complete lack of desire. Almost like if you really hate anchovies and someone hands you a plate of them. No amount of the other person hoovering or looking after your toddler is going to make you fancy them.

YANBU at all. Moaning about sex pushes their partner away from wanting sex. He’s the problem here, not you. I agree completely if he hadn’t been moaning, you’d probably be having sex more often.

Have you said to him to shut up about sex? To go and moan to Dadsnet or whatever anonymous online forum he can access? If you haven’t, I would. He needs to take the pressure off you because what is happening is that it’s getting to the point where sex will coerced, not consensual. And that’s marital rape.

Id do that and then see if any feeling or attraction returns, it will take months if it’s going to happen. It may never come back though and you may be best off leaving him as his first wife did. But either way, whether you divorce or not, he needs to shut the fuck up.

Hear hear

Exactly

Why on earth didn't you leave him after your first child??

Why have another child with someone like this? 3 months isn't too late to keep your options open

I'd be leaving - yea it's a choice but it's your choice not too and with his behaviour I understand why

Sending bigs hugs 🤗

What a vile man!

Has this been posted on some sort of 'I hate women' site or something? Seems an influx of very 'interesting' characters.

To be honest, I think it's reasonable to want sex more than once a month.

I know it's an unpopular view on here but I think it's Christmas Eve, yes you could make the effort.

Surely if you had sex with him more, he'd stop whinging and then you'd desire him more etc etc and things would improve?

Or talk to him and get him to agree not to mention it at all for x days /weeks, and you make an effort to initiate during that time.

Or would he be happy for you to pleasure him in other ways?

Unfortunately I think a lot of women are socialised to think men's needs are most important, like a man 'needs' sex, a woman wants it. If a man doesn't get what he needs he's entitled to go elsewhere. And it's also sometimes the attitude of well I had to always put up with it, please others, what makes others think they're different.

I find this very worrying. I wish women wouldn't accept this and would say, from a young age, if this was my choice I'd rather be single. I eventually learnt this lesson.

It's harder when you're in a relationship with a man whose socialised to think he's entitled, as a number are. I think talking about it honestly and saying look I'm pregnant things are different. If after reasonable explanation a man can't accept it or compromise he's being pretty self-obsessed.

@MiniHouse Great post and I totally agree. As a younger woman I wish I'd had the self-confidence to tell some men to fuck off. I'm determined to bring DDs up to not accept being maltreated just to 'be kind' or for a quiet life.

As for the suggestion that OP should just lie back and think of England cos it's Xmas Eve, words fail me 🤢

Jesus Christ.

Make more of an effort
Have sex more and he won't moan as much
Pleasure him in other ways

I though we'd moved on from this 1950s bullshit.

There's def a lot of men posting tonight.

The op is pregnant with a toddler and working.
Hardly the recipe for 365 days of the karma sutra.
I'm working 70hrs a week ATM we were meant to be TTC. But due to my workload we've shelved that plan for the time being. Dp expressed concerns about our general lack of sexual intimacy and closeness. It did get niggly at times. We've had to talk it out and now have a peaceful understanding.

To be honest, I think it's reasonable to want sex more than once a month.

While this is a reasonable want, it’s absolutely not ever reasonable to be moaning and starting rows over your partner not wanting sex as often as you do. No one has a right to have sex, but everyone has the right to not have sex. The partner with the lower sex drive trumps all. If the partner with the higher sex drive cannot accept this, and cannot accept being no pressure about sex, then they can fuck right off. They absolutely cannot moan and apply pressure and eventually coerce their partner through emotional blackmail into having sex. Coerced sex is not consensual sex. It is rape.

To be honest, I think it's reasonable to want sex more than once a month.
It's reasonable to not want sex with a man who sulks, is miserable and has a strop if you don't feel like it.

There's def a lot of men posting tonight.

My post saying that was deleted for some unknown reason.

I'm not a man.

But for all the people saying it's the OPs right to refuse (which it is) - how exactly is that going to help the relationship? Presumably having a strong relationship is the goal. So the husband's needs not being met has to be addressed.

He may not be expressing his needs well, but he is saying clearly that he is unhappy. Compromise is possible. So is sex when you're not really in the mood. Sure, if my husband wanted sex every day and I wanted it every three months then I'd make the effort to do it more.

I'd also feel sad and rejected if my husband didn't want to sleep with me for a prolonged period.

I do have sympathy for the OP but it sounds like for things to improve she either has to be willing to have sex a bit more, or he has to stop complaining. But a) him not complaining won't actually stop his desire for intimacy and b) the OP can only change her own behaviour. So what's to do?