Son has come home with a girl

[sonotprepared]

He's 18, and knows this girl. Has just brought her home saying she's locked out. Tells me she was upset earlier (with good reason).

She seems to be staying here tonight and I'm uncomfortable about it.

He's been at a club, so a bit tipsy. Asked if he's sleeping on the couch if she's staying and he says no. Obviously intends on sharing his bed with her.

WWYD? This is new to me!

Tell him it’s my house, my rules, and one of them is sleeping on the couch.

Agree w previous post. No way would I be letting him share room w this girl

As they're both adults I personally wouldn't have a problem with them sharing his room under normal circumstances (ie if she was his girlfriend). But if she's locked out of her house, is it possible that she doesn't want to share a bed with him and is feeling coerced? Or does she seem just as keen as him?

Personally I'd just let her crash in his bed.

Yes he could be taking advantage of her if she’s in a vulnerable situation, I would insist one of them stay on the couch especially if she’s been drinking and is upset, is she in the right state of mind to consent to sex?

I've just said it's my house and he says he pays to live here. Yesterday was literally the first time he's paid dig money.

And he's adamant I would t care if it was his good friend that I've met plenty of times. Not so sure about that, but just feel he's out me in a really awkward position

If she is locked out, where was she on her way home from ie has she also been out drinking and clubbing? Is she capable of making a decision about where she sleeps?

I'd make up the spare room, give her a soft drink and some towels in case she wants to shower. If she's been drinking or is upset I'd make the decision for them about where she sleeps.

No spare room.

He's refusing to sleep on the couch and telling me they're friends and that he was practically asleep when I just knocked his door.

Can hardly kick them both out.

Its got nothing to do with paying, its to do with respect for you and his friend. Hes out of order.

One of you is on the couch and stand in the doorway with the light on until one moves.

Paying marginal rent does not give right to make rules you are not comfortable.

Then in the new year make an agreement about who can sleep over, to me long girlfriends advised in advance

I think he's pulling your leg with the locked out story.

I remember aged 19 going home with a guy I'd met on a night out to his family home, it was the only time I'd ever done that and i remember it like it was yesterday. We told his mum some far fetched BS story which I ended up slipping up on because I was drunk and it was really embarrassing, even now i cringe and its 21 years ago! She gave him a sleeping bag for the sofa but we both ended up in his room.

Moral of the story is they are doing the dance with no pants in his room. Sorry OP 😆

She could be taking advantage of him, but regardless to me 18 is no different to 30 or 40 or whatever

18 is an adult and it is perfectly legal, the last thing in the world I want to is what my son is doing when he gets to 18, but I also won't judge something perfectly legal and it's his house too

Sure having wild parties or being totally inconsiderate is one thing, having someone stay over is normal

I'd rather he did it in a safe environment if I'm honest. Give him a mistletoe OP!

I would insist that you speak to the girl, make sure she's okay and let her know that she has the option of the sofa. Then take it from there depending on her reaction.

@WandaWonder sounds more like she worried her son is tipsy and taking advantage of this girl.
Not everything is black and white, but how can you judge this as a parent, absolute nightmare. Hoping for the best and please tell me how you have dealt with it good or bad xxx

We live in a fairly rural place and at that age my DD was always bringing people home to crash. Mostly they bunked up together in her bed whether male or female. She often crashed at the homes of others. Never bothered me at all. I was glad she and her friends felt comfortable doing this and at least they watched out for each other.

Dear god when did teenagers become so disrespectful! I wouldn’t have dreamed of bringing a random person home at that age and I’d be pretty pissed off if my kids did. Yes he’s an adult, yes it’s perfectly legal but just no. A long term boyfriend/girlfriend yes but not a stranger. Again I know your son is an adult and assuming the girl is too but do her parents not give a shit where she is?

Rule in my house is no randoms over for the night. I'd get one to sleep on the couch. If they want to be equals in terms of rules then they can pay their full share, not the token amount I bet your son in paying.

He sleeps on couch, she gets the bed. No argument. If he’s done it out the kindness of his heart then he has no argument to that, she has a safe space to sleep, which is what he wants. Any pushback shows you how your son views pick-ups.

Agreed.

I didn't do it (the very thought makes me shudder) and neither did our adult children.

As for the paying rent argument. If he wants to make it a business contract then just tell him he's broken house rules. Lodgers don't have rights.

She seems happy to share the bed. Certainly hasn't said 'I'll sleep on the couch'.

And says her parent knows where she is.

He's still adamant that no-one is sleeping on the couch, and that if it was x, y, or z, I wouldn't have an issue. Which is really not necessarily true, as I've never been put in this position where it's a girl.

He says he's not disrespecting me and that he just doesn't understand. Banging my head off a brick wall.

God almighty just leave them to it. Load of angst over nothing.

So do as another poster suggested and make it uncomfortable for both of them. Stand in the door with the light on and insist.

You seem a little bit resigned to being told what to do by your own child which is odd in itself. Tell them firmly that he either sleeps on the couch or she has to leave.

If her parents know where she is how is she locked out?

YABU!!

1. He's an adult.
2. He pays board. Even if it was the first time, he still does and more fool you for not setting the ground rules before hand!
3. He has a point regarding 'you wouldn't care if it was X,Y or Z.'. - you keep saying it's different as she is a girl. Do you know for sure that your son is heterosexual?
4. Do you not trust that your son has the ability to share a bed while tipsy without becoming an out of control predator who cannot understand consent? Says more about your parenting than your son if not!
5. He is an ADULT.

What are you going to do when your son genuinely does want to bring home dates / one night stands / new partners? - Which as a board paying adult he has every right to do!?

I never took a one night stand home to my mothers house, but I did four or five times end up taking friends home with me to crash for various reasons such as lost wallets, too drunk, cheaper etc. - all shared my room no problem and no hanky panky! Both males and females.

Your sons out of order speaking to you in this manner, it’s your house, at the very least he should be asking you, not telling you.