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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son has come home with a girl

164 replies

sonotprepared · 24/12/2022 03:55

He's 18, and knows this girl. Has just brought her home saying she's locked out. Tells me she was upset earlier (with good reason).

She seems to be staying here tonight and I'm uncomfortable about it.

He's been at a club, so a bit tipsy. Asked if he's sleeping on the couch if she's staying and he says no. Obviously intends on sharing his bed with her.

WWYD? This is new to me!

OP posts:
Flyinggeesei234 · 24/12/2022 08:04

KitsyWitsy · 24/12/2022 05:34

God almighty just leave them to it. Load of angst over nothing.

Agree. And I thought I was quite uptight about stuff.

Flyinggeesei234 · 24/12/2022 08:05

Outtasteamandluck · 24/12/2022 07:05

Ugh. If nothing else I wouldn't want to listen to them shagging.

He sleeps on couch.

Why aren't her parents home?

Shes’s 18!

ThePoshUns · 24/12/2022 08:05

I've been in this situation with my DS and like you have a fear of him being falsely accused, as I have wider personal experience of it.
I think for you now though they are where they are, they seem happy enough. I'd leave it and have a proper conversation with him and maybe her when they get up and are sober.

memorial · 24/12/2022 08:05

My DD1 did this when she was about 17/18. The young man was a big hulking 18 yr old in bits because his mother threw him out in the middle of winter at night because he was late home. They were both respectful and slept on the couch.

lifeinthehills · 24/12/2022 08:06

Ragwort · 24/12/2022 08:03

Cat it is not his house though is it? It's his mother's house and parents are perfectly entitled to have 'rules' and boundaries about who might arrive in the small hours of the morning to sleep over.

This. This is my children's home no matter how old they are, but they don't pay the rent, their share of the bills, insurances, etc. Even if they were, there have to be mutually agreed rules for this sort of thing. If I were flatting with a friend and we were 50/50 co-owners each, we'd still have to make rules for these things so we are both comfortable with the arrangements. I set minimal rules but nothing is going to happen here that doesn't work for the entire collective of people living here.

Deathraystare · 24/12/2022 08:08

He has put you in an awkward position here, the Bugger!. Read him the riot act in the morning.

If it goes tits up and becomes a He said, She said situation, he has only himself to blame. Have very strong words with him the next morning.

Girlfriend yes, someone he picked up at a club No!

alittleadvicepls · 24/12/2022 08:08

@GeneticallyModifiedGrump i don’t think people on here and OP have an issue with the son bringing a girl home. What they have an issue with is the parent setting boundaries (ie you sleep on the couch and let the girl sleep in your bed) and the son completely disregarding his mothers rules in her house. That’s what I’d personally have an issue with anyway.

EmmiJay · 24/12/2022 08:14

Wow! The responses on here😳 No wonder I see the stuff that I see on sm.

Me, personally, I'd be booking her an uber to her home right this moment. It's morning now she can leave. The son? Ooo you need to have some words with him. He's 18 alright but hes no adult until hes actually adulting in his own space. Grief.

Starseeking · 24/12/2022 08:16

The thing you need to focus on in the morning, and have a conversation about us why your teenage son is so dismissive and disrespectful.

Ok he pays, but your description of digs money suggest he doesn't pay much, and it's still your house to set the rules. If he doesn't like the rules, he can always strike out on his own.

I'd leave the two of them where they are for now, and have a proper conversation with him about ground rules when she has left the house.

girlmom21 · 24/12/2022 08:17

EmmiJay · 24/12/2022 08:14

Wow! The responses on here😳 No wonder I see the stuff that I see on sm.

Me, personally, I'd be booking her an uber to her home right this moment. It's morning now she can leave. The son? Ooo you need to have some words with him. He's 18 alright but hes no adult until hes actually adulting in his own space. Grief.

She has no keys and her parents may still not be home

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 24/12/2022 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BloaterW1 · 24/12/2022 08:22

but clearly OPs son is a rapey little rat.
What the fuck

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 24/12/2022 08:25

lifeinthehills · 24/12/2022 08:06

This. This is my children's home no matter how old they are, but they don't pay the rent, their share of the bills, insurances, etc. Even if they were, there have to be mutually agreed rules for this sort of thing. If I were flatting with a friend and we were 50/50 co-owners each, we'd still have to make rules for these things so we are both comfortable with the arrangements. I set minimal rules but nothing is going to happen here that doesn't work for the entire collective of people living here.

Show quote history

I think both of you are right

obviously a lot of posters on here don’t seem to have particular rule for this sort of situation but that suits them

i wouldn’t be happy with this situation either, although I’d be asleep and probably wouldn’t know

littlegreenheart · 24/12/2022 08:27

I've just said it's my house and he says he pays to live here. Yesterday was literally the first time he's paid dig money. This is nonsense; I've lived in several share houses, some recently, and while there's a lot of variation it's not really the norm that people just bring home randoms and expect their housemate(s) to be cool with whoever's wandering around in the middle of the night/showing up at breakfast/staying for weeks. Even if he's paying half the rent - manners, consideration, and communication still exist.

And he's adamant I would t care if it was his good friend that I've met plenty of times. Completely different situation, but also a bit presumptuous of him to insist he knows better than you what you think and what you'd do.

To me, the possible red flag would be that he INSISTS no one can use the couch. If this is a friend locked out and unexpectedly needing a place to sleep late at night, the couch is a pretty good deal. If you're sure she's consenting and not drunk, I'd tell her the couch is available and ready to use and leave her to choose. Tomorrow (today), have a private talk with your son about house rules in general. Again, even if you're essentially housemates and he's paying half the rent, you'd make them together. He doesn't just make up his own. This would be the way in any house share or lodging situation, so if he's an adult he might as well get used to it and start practicing.

gogohmm · 24/12/2022 08:31

If she 18, in which case chill - he's an adult and he's paid you rent

CarrotCake84 · 24/12/2022 08:32

They’re both 18 and consenting adults, the only thing that would be an issue is if she was blinding drunk. They clearly are going to have sex and they’re both old enough to have sex, if they didn’t do it in your house, they’d find somewhere else.

gogohmm · 24/12/2022 08:35

Youngsters today are a lot more liberal sharing with the opposite sex isn't taboo - dd often shares a tent with a lad who isn't her boyfriend (she has a serious boyfriend) it's no big deal

BigSandyBalls2015 · 24/12/2022 08:36

Boyfriends/girlfriends always welcome here but no randoms/one night stands. It’s a family home not a shag pad … if that’s their thing then they need to move out and get their own place.

Enko · 24/12/2022 08:37

at 18 I would let him make his own decisions with regard to who he sleeps with.

he will have sex even if you don't allow it in HIS bedroom.

toomuchlaundry · 24/12/2022 08:37

Are they too drunk to understand consent?

Abraxan · 24/12/2022 08:38

stillvicarinatutu · 24/12/2022 05:46

When did 18 year olds need parental consent to have a girlfriend?

From what we know it isn't a girlfriend, just a girl he's brought home.

When dd had a steady boyfriend we allowed him to stay over and they shared her room.
We don't have random blokes coming to,stay over though.
To be fair she wouldn't dream of bringing a random pick up,home and expect to share her room with him. It's basic respect for others in the house. .

BaublesandBangles · 24/12/2022 08:44

Fucking hell he's 18, just leave them to it.

girlmom21 · 24/12/2022 08:46

gogohmm · 24/12/2022 08:35

Youngsters today are a lot more liberal sharing with the opposite sex isn't taboo - dd often shares a tent with a lad who isn't her boyfriend (she has a serious boyfriend) it's no big deal

OP's said she'd be scared he could be accused of something that didn't happen. This isn't about sex or being liberal.

Reindeersnooker · 24/12/2022 08:48

It's good of him not to leave her on the street. However she can sleep on the couch.

Cuppasoupmonster · 24/12/2022 08:49

Furries · 24/12/2022 05:09

He sleeps on couch, she gets the bed. No argument. If he’s done it out the kindness of his heart then he has no argument to that, she has a safe space to sleep, which is what he wants. Any pushback shows you how your son views pick-ups.

This. I mean she could be quite happy with it and hoping they’d bed share as well. But - she’s drunk, she’s not his girlfriend and while I would definitely let her stay he would have to sleep on the sofa.