Son has come home with a girl

[sonotprepared]

He's 18, and knows this girl. Has just brought her home saying she's locked out. Tells me she was upset earlier (with good reason).

She seems to be staying here tonight and I'm uncomfortable about it.

He's been at a club, so a bit tipsy. Asked if he's sleeping on the couch if she's staying and he says no. Obviously intends on sharing his bed with her.

WWYD? This is new to me!

I wouldn’t have been impressed him bringing a stranger home to sleep with whether anything went on or not. I'd have left them to it though and had a very clear discussion the next day once she'd gone and tell him not to do it again.

It doesn't matter who went travelling at 18 or who else was married at 18, when living in your parents house there should be boundaries that have to be adhered to. An established relationship? Fine. A ons not so much.

Better they are in a safe place having sex than on the street imo.

It's probably too late now but ur not unreasonable op. It's your house, given particular circumstances I'd be ok with her stopping but ideally I'd prefer to have agreed in advance. But absolutely separate beds. Would people genuinely say same if their 18 yr old dd turned up with a random bloke you never met before. I'd also have no problem with a gf/bf stopping.

I agree with others that if it's just so that she had somewhere for the night then they don't need to share a bed.

If your son wants to just bring home who he likes when he likes he needs his own place.

Disrespectful sod!

Easy. Oh, <girl> you seem lovely, I am so looking forward to grandchildren. I guess you're skipping university? 😁

Under the circs I'd allow it in the night and have a discussion with DS about what you'd prefer to happen in future. IMO it should be fair enough for an 18yo to bring someone home but obviously, your house your rules, though it doesn't sound like this particular rule has been discussed before.

I'd only intervene in sleeping together if the girl seemed like she might be too drunk to give consent to anything that might happen.

Are they expecting breakfast in bed?!

His 18 for gods sake leave
Him alone

I don't really know how I'd feel. I think I'd want to speak to the girl myself and make sure she is ok, which it sounds like you have done.
I had plenty of male friends myself as a young person and definitely shared a bed platonically on more than one occasion. Single beds on two occasions that I can remember even though sofas were available.
Two young drunk friends wanting a cuddle is not weird or disrespectful.
You don't need to assume it's more than that.
If they really just want to be together tonight then let them be.
It sounds as though, as a family, you have been through something difficult but you can't expect your son to avoid any and every situation where there is a risk of that happening again - that's completely impossible. It sounds like some counselling around that particular trauma would be a good idea - for you and maybe other family members, if you have already.
Good luck OP, remember who you've raised and try and let that guide you.

I agree with this. When he’s living in his own place/flatshare/house share as a fully independent self funding adult he can do what he likes. Until then he needs to abide by and respect your rules.

OP, you’ll get l many posts from people telling you they were solving world peace at 18. You’re comfortable with what you’re comfortable with.

Sounds like your son doesn’t know your boundaries. I wouldn’t be happy with this either. You need to have a chat with him about boundaries in the house.

I’d ask if she would like tea or coffee in the morning!

Parents should not police who adult offspring sleep with or invite home unless they are interfering with their (the parents) own lives.

For the record, l was bringing boys home at his age (40s now, so no lectures please) and sex didn’t take place when parents were in.

I remember this exact scenario was I was 19, and I’d got away with it too, if my mum hadn’t noticed a different pair of shoes when she got home from nights.

I wouldn’t be happy with randoms staying over but if it is a case of helping out a friend I think you need to let it go. Had he just met her or was she known to him? A ons is disrespectful.

She's over 18, so no - you can't police who SHE sleeps with,

I would have been more bothered about why she's upset & what's going on with her parents that she's been locked out. I'd also be screening whatever that story is with a bullshit detector, but first instinct must surely be to believe her, & be concerned for her?

You made a rod for your own back by first 'asking' - therefore cementing in his mind that it was up to him - then 'telling' him once you already knew that his preferred outcome was opposite to yours. That was only end in a confrontational win/lose situation.

That's probably why he came back with his "but I pay for my digs" comment. It was his way of defending his challenge to your authority, & you maybe need to take issue with that, but NOT NOW as it is a separate issue. (Deal with it by pointing out that if you were a landlady with lodgers, you could have a 'no overnight guests' rule, becuase it is YOUR house, not his ... but really - I wouldn't lock horns over that one, as you're looking for a win/win here, surely, not a chance to win while your son feels that he has 'lost'?)

She seems happy to share the bed. Certainly hasn't said 'I'll sleep on the couch'.
And there was your solution.
ENTHUSIASTIC consent - remember? Going along with it because you feel you don't have much option isn't consent.
It should never have been up to your son where she sleeps.
Unless you want to be draconian about guests & alienate your son, it shouldn't have been up to you either.
You should have asked HER. Empathised with her upset, asked her if she needs to borrow overnight things, has she messaged her parents to let them know she can't get in but is SAFE with your son, not to worry, his mother is here too ...
then ask her if she'd like you to make up the couch for her.

& then stopped worrying. Because even if you'd forced your son's hand & done a myhousemyrules on him, you know one of them would have sneaked to join the other in the dead of night anyway, if that's what they both wanted?

The problem is, that for reasons I'm not going into here, I am terrified of him ending up in a situation where he could be accused of something. It is too close to home for us. That may be completely irrational of me, but yes, it worries me massively.
I'm not going to pry, but your son is old enough for you to convey whatever this is about to him surely?

Apart from that, i just do not want any part in him bringing random women back to the house, just as I would not bring men back to stay if he was home. If this was actually a girlfriend, I would be okay with that.
So tell him this.
Lay it on the line, tell him he doesn't get to challenge YOUR house rules just because he pays something toward his own costs.
Get him to understand how the concept of consent doesn't just apply to sexual relations, but to all reasonable dealings between decent people.
This could be a good discussion to have, & a valuable life lesson for him. He doesn't get to play Billy Big Balls to his own mother just because he's earning, & paying toward his keep now.

This. My dd would bring randoms (friends) to the house late at night and couldn't get why it annoyed me.

Great username by the way!

I don't think it's normal behaviour in a family situation! It would raise more than eyebrows in this house if I brought a random man home from a nightclub to sleep in my bed - I wouldn't do it and neither would my kids.

My older brother did this one night when I was 17 (I'm now 64) - brought home a girl he'd just met that night with some story that she had been kicked out by her parents.

He ended up blackmailing my mother into allowing her sto stay for several months and my mother made me share mor room (we'd only moved into a 3 bed house that year and previously I'd had to share with the older, then the younger brother so had my own room for only a few months).

It's the fact that this is not his established girlfriend and he's treating his mother's house with contempt that is the issue for me, with the additional issue for the OP that she has some wider concerns about her son being accused of something later (I'd also be worried about unplanned pregnancy but then that's me for you).

My DC have their long term partners stay with them at home and I don’t mind that at all - I know they are using contraception and they’ve had the talk on consent. (16&17YO).

19YO is single and if he brought a random home and then disrespected me I’d be seriously unhappy. It’s a totally different kettle of fish.

YANBU at all to insist one of them sleeps on the sofa and the fact that they both ignored you is disgraceful tbh.

It’s not his house

it’s his mum’s house

she doesn’t want him bringing people back and cos it’s her house it’s her rules

when he has a house of his own he can bring back who he likes.

it really is that simple

My thougut too. I was all ready to say they are adults but DS sounds like a bit of a predator.
She is vulnerable and he is taking advantage of that. I would tell him that, and that it won't be happening under my roof. I would certainly see him in a new light.

@InFiveMins

nah

it’s her house! she doesn’t have to let them get on with it if she doesn’t want to

I used to sneak loads of lads back when I lived at home!

My parents have never mentioned it but I do wonder if they knew! I'm sure they must have heard!

They never said anything though!

I do get to police who can stay in my house. Especially as I have other children who live here, who also wouldn't be comfortable with a stranger in their home.

My younger children would hate to bump into a stranger in their home when they wake up. They would find it uncomfortable, and so would I.

I don't want people in my house who I don't know.