Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To have bought DD (14) some drinks for a party

392 replies

Sausagerollsnotturkey · 24/12/2022 00:55

DD is 14 (year 9) and was invited to a party tonight. There were about 20 people there and I knew a few of them but not all. DD is pretty responsible and I do trust her. The girl’s parents were not there but her older sister (18 was there) as the parents are away on a mini break. I bought DD some drinks - nothing too intense just some Smirnoff ice and WKD. She came home about an hour ago and was a bit drunk. I personally don’t think this is an issue and I was doing far worse at her age. My MIL (staying for Christmas) on the other hand went absolutely ballistic and said how inappropriate this was. I genuinely don’t see the issue of a teenager going to a party and having a bit to drink. I don’t want to raise my kids to be joyless or uptight and I want them to actually have a good time. Aibu?

OP posts:
RoseBucket · 24/12/2022 10:03

Too young and not fair in the 18 year old, my 18 year old would be angry parents had put her in that position.

BeyondMyWits · 24/12/2022 10:04

I am with your MIL on this too. She's 14, still a child.

Why can't kids be allowed to be kids.

Ladybyrd · 24/12/2022 10:06

No, I wouldn't have done that. I was allowed to drink at 14, but just a small amount on special occasions, with my parents. Do kids need booze to have a good time at a sleepover? Not sure that sends a good message. Also, if I were the host's parents, I wouldn't be too impressed. Not sure it was very fair on the 18 year old in charge. If everyone's parents did the same, it could have been messy.

Choconut · 24/12/2022 10:07

RagingWoke · 24/12/2022 09:55

I personally agree with you OP. I'd rather know what my dc are doing/drinking than have them sneaking around and taking it too far. If the option is mum buys a few wkd and knows where they are or teen sneaks a bottle of vodka and is blackout drunk, parents not knowing where they are I know which I'd prefer.

Having been the teen blackout drunk in a field/park/creepy guys house party I will be taking a very relaxed, sensible approach when my own dc are teens.

How bizarre, just because you're handing over bottles of wkd and waving them off merrily at 14 thinking you're a cool mom it doesn't mean someone else at the party isn't bringing bottles of vodka for them to share. You have no idea what lies they're telling you, they'll push it as far as they can with you - and then rebel a bit further. No one sticks to what their parents allow, where's the fun in that as a teen?

And are you really saying if your parents had handed you alcohol you wouldn't have been drinking as much as a teen?? Your logic makes no sense.

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 24/12/2022 10:09

Hello, everyone - thanks for all your reports. The OP joined to post this thread and has since deregistered. We can see the discussion is continuing anyway and so will leave the thread to stand for the time being.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 24/12/2022 10:10

amylou8 · 24/12/2022 05:51

I reckon a lot of the people saying this is not ok probably still have 4 year olds. I think 14 if fine for a few alcopops, it's not like you sent her with a 2 bottles of gin. Presumably you knew where she was, and she had a time time to be home. And she was a bit tipsy rather than blind drunk. Completely appropriate for a 14 year old, and great practice for when she's 18 and can get her hands on as much of the stuff as she wants/can afford.

17, 16, 14, 7 and no, I wouldn’t supply my 14 year old with alcohol.

ADifferentKindofChristmas · 24/12/2022 10:12

Another one agreeing with your MIL.

You seem fixated that this was normal for you and your friends but your MIL reaction surely shows you that not "everyone" was/is doing it and I say that as the youngest of 3 girls, my eldest DSis being 10 years older than me.

Of course teens push boundaries and do these things as part of growing up but there is no way in hell I would be enabling it as a parent at just 14.

What's the rush for a 14 year old child to be behaving like a grown woman?

I'd judge the hell out of you if you sent your DD to my home with alcohol at 14 and she wouldn't be welcome again.

Stressedmum2017 · 24/12/2022 10:15

I was doing way worse at 14 than that which is exactly why I won't be encouraging my child in anyway at that age!! And at 14 I was hanging out with 18 year olds(boys and girls) who trust me, did not give a shit about any of my dangerous antics.
The fact you think that just because the 18yo is legally an adult means they can't be an irresponsible bellend just shows how massively naive you are.

Reindeersnooker · 24/12/2022 10:23

Op, why haven't you responded to the information that your 14 year old child's liver is not capable of processing alcohol in the way an adult's can so you are giving her a substance that is potentially very harmful to her?

Are you aware that Britain has a significant problem with our drinking culture and passing this on generationally might not be a great idea?

Also, how do you square your justifications with the research showing adults who drink later have fewer problems with it?

It might be that you didn't grow up the way your daughter needs to. There might be better ways. At fourteen, she needs no help to have a joyful, uninhibited evening. It's a pity that you think this. That could be more harmful to her than anything else.

At the end of the day, she wasn't drinking supervised by you. You didn't know who else was in the home. At 18 year old that you don't know could have had any males present and you gave your daughter a substance that affects her ability to defend hersel. That's unwise and comes before your need for her to have the kind of life you led. Maybe you were lucky. Maybe she won't be as lucky.

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 24/12/2022 10:26

Hopefully the OP deregistered as they realised what a stupid and potentially dangerous thing they did and hopefully actually listened to what was being Said . I'm assuming not thou

smileandsing · 24/12/2022 10:28

Putting aside your DD's age, the last sentence of your OP sums up everything that's wrong with this - 'I don't want to raise my kids to be joyless or uptight and I want them to actually have a good time'. You're teaching them that they can't have fun without alcohol at parties, that's a very bad message to send. Just because you did worse at their age doesn't mean you should encourage them to get drunk in order to have a good time. Let them make their own life choices and be there to support and guide them in life, that's your role as a parent.

P.S. Believing those who don't get drunk at parties are joyless and uptight says a lot more about you than it does them.

Ourlittleharmonica · 24/12/2022 10:45

All you've done is tell people who disagree with you that they're wrong so I'm not sure why you are even asking for opinions? Clearly you think you did nothing wrong?

A 14 year old having a WKD at home at Christmas I'd have no issue with. Supplying a 14 year old with alcohol to take to a house party when you don't know all of the attendees and there are no parents present? Lunacy, and you know it, or you wouldn't be getting so defensive. It's wrong.

LolaMoon · 24/12/2022 10:50

It’s a shame the OP left but I don’t really understand the point of asking AIBU if most people say yes and then you flounce off. Why bother asking then if you only want people to agree with you? 🙄

katepilar · 24/12/2022 10:55

I always thought that tolerance of alhohol was very high in the UK. This story sounds really shocking though!

OP, with all respect, I think your brain is possibly damaged from the drinking at young age..

ReneBumsWombats · 24/12/2022 10:56

LolaMoon · 24/12/2022 10:50

It’s a shame the OP left but I don’t really understand the point of asking AIBU if most people say yes and then you flounce off. Why bother asking then if you only want people to agree with you? 🙄

Because you only want people to agree with you. Obviously.

whynotwhatknot · 24/12/2022 11:04

If she was at home drinking with you fine to an extent but at another house and your actually giving her alcohol to take?

dont worry dear youre having your stomach pumped but at leat youre not joyless and your mum is cool

why not offer her a pack of b and h aswell while youre there

brusselspout · 24/12/2022 11:09

amylou8 · 24/12/2022 05:51

I reckon a lot of the people saying this is not ok probably still have 4 year olds. I think 14 if fine for a few alcopops, it's not like you sent her with a 2 bottles of gin. Presumably you knew where she was, and she had a time time to be home. And she was a bit tipsy rather than blind drunk. Completely appropriate for a 14 year old, and great practice for when she's 18 and can get her hands on as much of the stuff as she wants/can afford.

18, 16 and 10. And no, I don't think it's okay or should be normalised.

SoupDragon · 24/12/2022 11:16

amylou8 · 24/12/2022 05:51

I reckon a lot of the people saying this is not ok probably still have 4 year olds. I think 14 if fine for a few alcopops, it's not like you sent her with a 2 bottles of gin. Presumably you knew where she was, and she had a time time to be home. And she was a bit tipsy rather than blind drunk. Completely appropriate for a 14 year old, and great practice for when she's 18 and can get her hands on as much of the stuff as she wants/can afford.

Nope. 23, 21 and 16. A 14 year old does not need to "practice" drinking under the supervision of a Uni student.

MichaelFabricantWig · 24/12/2022 11:23

amylou8 · 24/12/2022 05:51

I reckon a lot of the people saying this is not ok probably still have 4 year olds. I think 14 if fine for a few alcopops, it's not like you sent her with a 2 bottles of gin. Presumably you knew where she was, and she had a time time to be home. And she was a bit tipsy rather than blind drunk. Completely appropriate for a 14 year old, and great practice for when she's 18 and can get her hands on as much of the stuff as she wants/can afford.

Wrong. Mine are 16 and 14. I know full well though through my own life experience that alcohol is a toxin and a drug and not to be taken lightly. I wouldn’t facilitate my 16 year old drinking at a house party with no adult supervision.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 24/12/2022 14:02

A 14 year olds liver is not developped enough to process alcohol and its just plain stupid to give a child alcohol. A 14 year old doesnt have the life experience and sense to keep her self safe and would be very vulnerable, drunk, at a party, where other teenagers, probably boys will be. Its a recipe for disaster. Also, I imagine other parents would have sent their kids to a party not anticipating there being booze. Did you check with them that it was ok to supply the party with alcohol? I mean, I'm not naive, I know some teenagers will occasionally have access to alcohol but wilfully giving a child alcohol, unsupervised is neglectful in my opinion (and no an 18 year old doesnt count.. Ffs do you not remember being 18!),

Aussiegirl88 · 24/12/2022 14:07

Do you also encourage her to drive a car because she's "Responsible". or do the statistical risks mitigate that it's fun and cool???

luxxlisbon · 24/12/2022 14:11

14 and year 9 is way too young to be actively encouraging alcohol and the attitude that you need alcohol to have fun at a party!

There will be plenty of other times she will be drinking underage, trying to go to clubs etc but to encourage it at 14 is just bad parenting imo.

Bepis · 24/12/2022 14:17

@MichaelFabricantWig I wouldn't let my 16 year old either. She's not allowed to drink away from me and I definitely wouldn't be letting her go to alcohol fuelled parties.

Pottedpalm · 24/12/2022 14:17

Definitely not ok, for all the reasons mentioned above
I wouldn’t be happy about n unsupervised party at that age at all. An 18 year old in charge? No.

shinynewapple22 · 24/12/2022 14:22

I think the OP is on a wind up here - goady post to get people frothing .