To have bought DD (14) some drinks for a party

[Sausagerollsnotturkey]

DD is 14 (year 9) and was invited to a party tonight. There were about 20 people there and I knew a few of them but not all. DD is pretty responsible and I do trust her. The girl’s parents were not there but her older sister (18 was there) as the parents are away on a mini break. I bought DD some drinks - nothing too intense just some Smirnoff ice and WKD. She came home about an hour ago and was a bit drunk. I personally don’t think this is an issue and I was doing far worse at her age. My MIL (staying for Christmas) on the other hand went absolutely ballistic and said how inappropriate this was. I genuinely don’t see the issue of a teenager going to a party and having a bit to drink. I don’t want to raise my kids to be joyless or uptight and I want them to actually have a good time. Aibu?

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I think she's too young for this! I wouldn't have gone mad if my dd had had a drink at this age, but I certainly wouldn't have been actively encouraging her or supplying the drink for a party.

I was given my first drink at 11 by an alcohol dependent relative. He dropped down dead in his 50s. Its weak parenting.

My dd and her friends only started doing this sort of party in the sixth form when they were around 16/17

Personally, the age I was prepared to buy alcohol for my children was when they started 6th form. I didn't have a problem with them drinking in the year prior to that but I wasn't providing it. I do think 14 is too young, especially given they were basically unsupervised.

DSs seem to have grown up with a fairly healthy attitude to alcohol. Obviously I have no real idea what they did at parties and at Uni but they weren't getting totally wasted every night. Whenever they came home after drinking they were just "pleasantly drunk" (and I picked them up many times over covid when they were allowed to have "garden pub" with their mates!)

Same Fancy. Sixth form onwards even then some are daft 14 no way.

YABU and very irresponsible. If you had said that your 14 year old had half a glass of wine with family on a special occasion, I don't think this would have a big deal. Unsupervised and unlimited drinking? You're putting her at risk of alcohol poisoning and of otherwise getting into trouble, either by accident or someone else taking advantage of her vulnerable state (this isn't 'victim blaming' BTW, just reality).

I agree with your MIL. You sounds desperate to be a ‘cool mum’, which is rather sad, tbh.

No I don't think it's appropriate for a 14 year old to come home drunk from a party. But that's a choice as a parent that you made but you can't expect your family not to have an opnion when you have allowed underage drinking, of course they are going to be concerned.

I think it's fine.

My mum didn't do this for me, so we stood outside shops and got strangers to go in for us, then took our cheap cider and sat in parks or woodland at stupidly cold winter temperatures getting drunk.

I'd rather my children get drunk inside a friends house and I'm aware of it than do what I done and end up drunk in a woodland somewhere without me being any the wiser.

You're doing to get mixed reactions and feedback to this, but you're the parent in the situation and you know what's appropriate for your child.

And an 18 year old supervising 20 younger teens? Err....? No!

I hope this isn't serious! If it is I think op needs to educate herself on the affects of alcohol on the young brain then maybe she'd be less keen to encourage her dd to drink.

Year 9 too young. Year 11, open to consideration

Another problem with arguing an 18-year old sister is the “adult” in the situation is the perception of the teenagers you are expecting her to be responsible for. They are not going to view the 18-year old sister as a replacement parent figure, they’ll see her as she is - another teenager with no control whatsoever over their behaviour.

There’s also endless research into the need for young people to have clear boundaries to test. You obviously have no clear boundaries yourself. If you give your child a few drinks, they’ll need to drink more than their parent has already given them to be “cool.” It’s the kids that want to appear cool, they don’t want their feckless parents to be the cool ones.

If you can't enjoy yourself without booze at 14 it's quite sad.

That said I got pickled at a church social (wine) at that age and was so ill the next day that I didn't do it again until years later!

I'd be very reluctant. There are laws for a reason and it is NOT just about getting drunk. Teenage bodies are still developing - alcohol isn't for teenagers who's livers/kidneys etc aren't fully developed yet. There are a few issues here:

1. Alcohol increases the risk of sexual assault by a HUGE margin in teenage spaces - especially when a young woman drinks and then can't make informed decisions (not victim blaming, just pointing out disinhibition with alcohol and peer pressure)
2. Previously said issues related to health and body development of teenagers pre-18.
3. Impulsivity increases and inhibition decreases with alcohol - at 14 your daughter has a much reduced impulse control comparative to an 18, 21, or 25 year old. She may do things that she later regrets even after a few "softer" drinks.
4. Camera phones are everywhere nowadays. It only takes someone taking a picture of her with alcohol and posting it on social media for questions to be asked.
5. Some of the data indicates that the younger a person starts drinking, the higher the chances of alcohol related problems in adulthood. Many alcoholics I have met started drinking "socially" when they were 13-14 years old. Why? It was normalised and deemed necessary to have fun and "fit in".

She also needs to be able to say no and to tolerate that others may judge her for not doing what others are doing. And that is perfectly okay.

At home, where I can moderate alcohol is one thing, a party hosted by an EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD (who BTW lacks the maturity needed, despite what people think. 18 year olds have limited impulse control and life experience too) is totally different. Have you SEEN 18 year olds at Universities and how they drink and behave? I'd prefer my child to drink with 12 year olds!

14 is far too young. 16+ fine, my 17 year old has the occasional cider, but to buy your 14 year old kid alcohol for a party is appalling parenting and just wrong. Hard no from me.

I also did this and more at her age so I'm not worried as such. But I don't think parents should encourage or be complicit in it. In my day we'd have got the 18 year old sister to go to the off licence and buy it for us.

I wouldn't have really understood this at the time, but we actually didn't want the grownups to be part of it. Deep down, we wanted to know they'd be there to look after us and be disapproving if we did do something stupid...to look after us, basically, even though we knew we were breaking rules. I don't think we could have trusted the parents to know what was best and care for us if they had actively helped us to be stupid and drink illegally.

I think it’s fine. But knew you would get roasted on here for it.

the fact she talks to you instead of lying and getting the big sister to get her something else and ending up drinking vodka or mixing drinks is a definite plus.

don’t let this thread get you down, it’s Christmas

@Sausagerollsnotturkey

"DD is pretty responsible and I do trust her."

You trust her when she has a clear head and isn't impaired by alcohol. Also its less about trusting HER and more about trusting the other teenagers around her (yes boys, but not exclusively so). Teenagers + alcohol = hormones, disinhibition and a tonne of peer pressure (from my experience! as a teenager obviously!)

I suspect you hoped to be told that it was okay but I think the comments speak for themselves. There are age restrictions for a reason - they are not arbitrary and plucked out of thin air. Chief medical officers and experts will look at research and the data and risks and then advise the government on what the impact would be on teenagers drinking under 18. They make these decisions based on safety, and a 14 year olds brain is in no way prepared for alcohol.

I personally agree with you OP. I'd rather know what my dc are doing/drinking than have them sneaking around and taking it too far. If the option is mum buys a few wkd and knows where they are or teen sneaks a bottle of vodka and is blackout drunk, parents not knowing where they are I know which I'd prefer.

Having been the teen blackout drunk in a field/park/creepy guys house party I will be taking a very relaxed, sensible approach when my own dc are teens.

Drunk 14 year old girls and boys, half of whom you don't know, left to their own devices with a potentially drunk 18 year old somewhere in the background sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. Especially with the free for all access to porn kids have these days and the ideas it gives them. Why would you encourage your child into this sort of scene at 14? And if she's doing this at 14 what's she going to be doing at 16/17?

I don’t mean you must have a drink to have a good time but it certainly helps.

How sad that this is what you're teaching your 14yo child.

And wake up if you think the 18yo wouldn't be drinking too.

Are you one of these "she's my best friend" mums? Ugh.

I'm absolutely with your MIL on this.

She’s in year 9, so a load of kids at that party will only be 13. If you think 14 is old enough to drink responsibly (it isn’t), you send her with one drink. Not enough that she can get drunk and share with 13 year olds. Don’t be surprised if other parents start trying to keep their kids away from yours.