To have bought DD (14) some drinks for a party

[Sausagerollsnotturkey]

DD is 14 (year 9) and was invited to a party tonight. There were about 20 people there and I knew a few of them but not all. DD is pretty responsible and I do trust her. The girl’s parents were not there but her older sister (18 was there) as the parents are away on a mini break. I bought DD some drinks - nothing too intense just some Smirnoff ice and WKD. She came home about an hour ago and was a bit drunk. I personally don’t think this is an issue and I was doing far worse at her age. My MIL (staying for Christmas) on the other hand went absolutely ballistic and said how inappropriate this was. I genuinely don’t see the issue of a teenager going to a party and having a bit to drink. I don’t want to raise my kids to be joyless or uptight and I want them to actually have a good time. Aibu?

Wow, alcohol at 14, sex at 16 (I know you didn't mention this, but I'm generalising as many people on MN advocate for young teenagers having sex
and contraceptives) or younger. And people wobder why there's a mental health epidemic among young people. Why is it wrong to let children be children? There's plenty of fun to be had at 14 that doesn't involve grown-up stuff. You may have had "worse" at 14. it doesn't mean it was right or, most importantly, legal.

I’m not going to deny DD the same quality of life I had

Your turn of phrase is so revealing. Well done your MIL for challenging your ridiculous notions. One of the most wearing investigations I ever had was from a young teens party which went horribly wrong. The party was held in someone’s house while the parents were out and unfortunately it was mentioned on social media and was over-run by groups of people not invited. Firstly a load of electricals were stolen out a window. Police were called to the address but the teenagers lied about what had happened and missed their opportunity to stop things. Unfortunately what happened afterwards was a number of sex acts being performed which may or may not have been consensual. Some kids told the truth about what happened and some lied so all in all a big headache. When you give alcohol to 14 year olds this is what you end up with.

Alcohol at 14, sex at 14, you mean.

I agree with MIL. I am surprised you thought it was ok knowing the parents were away. Do the parents even know about the party? I can't imagine them agreeing to a party with the 18yo as the adult in charge. Would you want a party hosted by your 14yo while away on a mini break?

It's also not fair on the big sister. What if someone had been ill, or kids are having sex upstairs, or things got broken.

I don't think her having alcohol is the problem - I was allowed a few drinks back in the day. It's the lack of supervision that is the issue.

I teach that age group & think you're being a bit naive tbh.

Not responsible, and not the norm either. There's such a well established link between young age of onset of drinking and problematic alcohol use I don't know how the myth of "get 'em used to it" manages to persist.

My DC's peers are turning 16, and only now have parties started to feature a very small amount of alcohol. Host parents provide a few beers, and hang around to supervise.

I personally find the idea that you must supply your teens with alcohol or they'll just source their own. I'm going to assume that teens who were going to source their own will anyway and say "thanks, cool mum" for the additional you supply.

Yeah that daft way of thinking has been debunked Dh looked into it when ours got near that age.

We take same approach our parents did - it’s illegal we don’t encourage it. They weren’t super strict nor are we and some blind eyes turned 15/16 plus but promoting it at home is obviously a shit parenting approach. Do you lovingly give them a joint at Christmas?

OP must be on a windup, nobody can be this stupid.

YABVU.

If you think sober = joyless and uptight: get therapy.

So your idea of a good quality of life is to get drunk at fourteen, that is such bad parenting, you only need to see the results of your poll to see that virtually everyone thinks you are totally out of order.
You would do far better teaching your daughter that you don’t need alcohol to have fun.
I would stop and think very hard about the path you are actively encouraging your daughter to take.

There's a difference in buying your 14 yr old dd alcohol and her getting it by her own means, friends etc

I wouldn't have bought alcohol for her

Agree. No parent would be this thick.

Agree struggling to believe anyone can be this shit a parent!

And any parent who thinks their child is always totally honest with them is a fool. Buying your child alcohol does not buy their honesty. They will still lie if they feel embarrassed or ashamed, or don’t think your reaction to something will be helpful to them, or think you will be disappointed in them (eg for not being the “sensible” person you told them you thought they were as you sent them trotting off into the night with the drinks you bought them).

What does your dds father think to all this?

You've linked alcohol to fun for your DD. Well done. Did you want her to seem cool too?

So many people are alcohol dependent and can't go out without having a drink.

I agree

This is absolutely not ok in my book. You don't send a child who is 4 years underage to someone else's home with alcohol, especially given that you knew there were no parents there. An 18 year old sibling is not a responsible adult to supervise 14 year olds at a party with alcohol!

I do like a good old

OP - AIBU?
pretty much everyone - yes you are
OP - no I’m not

Evidence shows kids these days are actually having sex later than previous generations so I don’t think you can pin any increase in mental health problems on that.

This is what I think. I don't think it's ok, I won't he doing it for mine. I think it's too much like trying to be your daughters friend and its cringey.

I think that's fine imho.

Absolutely U. No way would I be buying booze for a 14yr old. I wouldn’t let them go to parties with a load of 18yr olds either or if I did I’d be picking them up after a few hours and the slightest sign of “being drunk” they would’nt be going again. At that age there are loads of things they could be doing with friends which absolutely don’t need to involve drinking- I can only assume that your boundaries have been completely warped in some way, either by your own experience, having older kids or where you live etc.

So did the 18 year old have 18 year old or older lads at the party? Do you know every guest who was there? A14 year old unused to alcohol might not have been able to make the right choices. I agree with your MIL.
A 14 year old learning the effects of alcohol in the safety of your home is responsible.