To have bought DD (14) some drinks for a party

[Sausagerollsnotturkey]

DD is 14 (year 9) and was invited to a party tonight. There were about 20 people there and I knew a few of them but not all. DD is pretty responsible and I do trust her. The girl’s parents were not there but her older sister (18 was there) as the parents are away on a mini break. I bought DD some drinks - nothing too intense just some Smirnoff ice and WKD. She came home about an hour ago and was a bit drunk. I personally don’t think this is an issue and I was doing far worse at her age. My MIL (staying for Christmas) on the other hand went absolutely ballistic and said how inappropriate this was. I genuinely don’t see the issue of a teenager going to a party and having a bit to drink. I don’t want to raise my kids to be joyless or uptight and I want them to actually have a good time. Aibu?

Honestly in my mind she is still really young. She’s 14 so totally hormonal and alcohol will lower her inhibitions which might lead to her embarrassing herself or doing something she would regret. Personally I’d wait until 16 when she’s a bit more mature. It’s not just the alcohol it’s the potential for bad decision making.

I did the whole unsupervised teen party, drinking thing, well, sometimes supervised by older siblings or parents. It's not pretty either way.

There were sexual assaults, sex people didn't remember having, property damage, fights, kids getting blotto because it's not cool to stop drinking, wandering into traffic etc. They don't understand limits & have impaired judgement.

Kids share alcohol so all you're doing is adding to the pot. If I was a parent of another child at the party (without alcohol) I'd be pissed you provided them with alcohol 'to be shared around'.

I wish I'd been guided along a different path. I stopped drinking at 17 because I decided I didn't really like it. Most of my peers still think that alcoholic drinks are essential and joke about vomiting in the street they were so drunk. So, not out of their system or limits found, rather, it ingrained excessive binge drinking into them.

I so often hear the argument about gradually introducing alcohol, but in my experience it's flawed. My parents gave me 'children's gin' (very strong orange squash with barely any water!). ostensibly to 'gradually introduce' me, but in reality it was to do with their own guilt around alcohol. By the age of eleven I was given ginger wine ("because it's not really alcohol" - oh yes it is!) and it took me a further forty years to admit that I was an alcoholic and to become sober (thirteen years now).

So many PPs have hit the nail on the head though: we have a culture in this country (UK) that says the only way to enjoy oneself is with alcohol. In fact the very opposite is true.

It wouldn’t even cross my mind to send my Yr 9 14 yr old to a friend’s house with alcohol. Why do they need alcohol to have fun? Is your daughter so incapable of enjoying herself at a party without getting drunk? How desperately sad.

And I was at uni at 18. There is absolutely no chance in hell that I would have been mature enough to supervise a boozy teenage party.

Teaching a child that they can’t have fun without alcohol is abhorrent. It also seems this was more about you (not wanting to be ‘uptight’ or whatever) and you wanting to be the ‘cool’ parent. Grow up.

Also it’s one thing to give a small drink at home where they can be supervised but another to allow your daughter to take alcohol to someone else’s house where you know there’s no adults (and only an 18 year old to supervise 20 kids) so other kids will be getting sloshed (nice of you to give other peoples kids permission to drink). So irresponsible and so fucking rude.

Hilarious that you’re relying on an 18 yo to not get drunk in front of your 14yo yet you’re acting like a cool mum in your 40s.

@Sausagerollsnotturkey if you’re so adamant what you did was right, and that 18 is fine to supervise etc why post on AIBU? Just crack on.

My son is same age and there is NO way I wouid allow this.

I did the whole unsupervised teen party, drinking thing, well, sometimes supervised by older siblings or parents. It's not pretty either way.

There were sexual assaults, sex people didn't remember having, property damage, fights, kids getting blotto because it's not cool to stop drinking, wandering into traffic etc. They don't understand limits & have impaired judgement

Yep same. Also what people forget is a few drinks impair your judgement to have more. Especially in someone who isn’t used to drinking- they get drunk very very quickly. So you might think oh she’s sensible she’ll stop at three drinks. No lol that’s not how alcohol works. By drink three and tipsy you aren’t thinking with your rational sober brain, you’re thinking “it’s fine!!! I’m fine- a few more is fine!”

My parents did not drink much. They were pretty lightweight and mum's father was an alcoholic and Dad's family could drink you under the table, but instead of absolutely forbidding alcohol, I was allowed a glass of home made wine with dinner occasionally. However, around Christmas, mum would be watching how much I drank - I think I was only allowed a snowball.

I didn't come home drunk from anywhere until my late 20's!!!

You’re an idiot. It’s one thing for teenagers to get their hands on alcohol illicitly and another for their parents to buy it for them and dump the responsibility of dealing with underage, inebriated teenagers on an 18-year old girl.

I think it's a fine line. I was getting pissed around the back of the youth club at a much younger age than your daughter, but I'm not stating that's OK either.

The drinks you sent her with though encourage drinking to excess as they don't taste like alcohol, its easy to have too much of them.

I don't think you or your MIL are BU, but I'd avoid normalising alcohol at parties at 14.

This is so weird. So, so weird.

you’ve said that ideally teens don’t drink. So don’t encourage it.

if my 14 year old had friends over and they brought alcohol, I’d be pretty annoyed. If the alcohol had been bought BY A PARENT who hasn’t checked with me first, I’d be really upset and cross.

I didn’t drink at 14. Friends who did didn’t have the easiest teenage years. I didn’t drink very much until university and by then I was old enough to understand why getting plastered isn’t actually much fun, so my drinking was in moderation.

Your attitude is so blinkered and one sided and I feel actually quite sorry for you and for your child.

At 14 I was camping with guides/going to the cinema/bowling/riding/starting to get babysitting work etc. I was actually still very much a child and reading your posts im so grateful to my parents for keeping my childhood so innocent and stable.

My son is also 14 and no way would I do this. Far too young. At home we let him have a few sips of wine/beer but beyond that he has no interest in alcohol.

You have asked for opinions and can’t seem to accept those that don’t agree with you.
if you choose to let your daughter drink in your home under your supervision, fair enough, I would do the same.
I don’t agree with you assuming an 18 year old is competent to supervise how ever many children were drinking. If anything had happened you were putting a huge responsibility on her to deal with a situation that she would possibly have no experience of. Very very unfair in my opinion.

TBH I would't worry about it, lots of us were doing the same at that age. She seems to be honest with you, rather than sneaking around which is a good thing. Yes the supervision by a teenager is a bit dodgy, but she came home ok.

If I were the other girl’s parent I would have a word with you. Illegal, irresponsible and vulgar

The poll tells you all!
No way, outside your house, you were not there, further more.... there were not many adults at all.
If you had been there, I would still think you are starting too young.
Also, very dangerous narrative that if you are not allowed to drink you will not have fun.

14? No way. That’s really not sending the right message.

Agreed.

and even if the 18 year old didn’t drink, she’s still unlikely to be able to supervise effectively or know what to do if someone took ill.

and I thought that the myth that introducing kids to alcohol early gave them a responsible attitude to it had been debunked

You're the sort of parent whose house I tell my kids to steer clear of

You did not check with the supervising adult that it was ok to send your just-teenage daughter with alcohol. That completely negates your defensive argument that there was an adult present. Your unilateral choice undermined the role of the 18yo as adult supervisor.

Uptight and joyless if you don't drink? That's a pathetic outlook.

and I thought that the myth that introducing kids to alcohol early gave them a responsible attitude to it had been debunked

it has: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4108600/
drugfree.org/newsroom/news-item/myths-debunked-underage-drinking-of-alcohol-at-home-leads-to-real-consequences-for-both-parents-and-teens/