To reject nanny’s gift

[Likesicecream]

our lovely nanny brought Xmas gifts for the kids today and one was a doll stroller for my DD, perfect gift for her

problem is my mum got her the same thing (different style), it’s wrapped and ready for Xmas. My mum is crazy about Xmas and wanted to get her this for a while. Obviously our nanny would realise what had happened when she saw that one after Xmas, and it seemed silly to have two of them, we don’t have tons of space - and I wanted DD to be excited when she got the one from my mum

so when the wrapping came off and nanny was about to take it out of the packaging, I quickly mentioned that my mum had got her one too

she said oh she’ll get her something else then, of course I said don’t worry about that, but we put the stroller aside to return (DD too young to realise what had happened and there was something else small for her that she was happy playing with)

I was apologetic about the whole thing and said thank you etc but felt really bad about it afterwards and DH said he wouldn’t have said anything

Was I BU to say something?

I hope you don't mind me saying but it seems to me that you are very protective of your mums feelings and it was this that directed your response? Maybe I am projecting but doubled up presents happen and most people would accept that.

Granddaughter has two baby buggies . She loves both of them. I personally would have thanked the nanny for being so thoughtful.

thanks all for the responses - I will accept it was rude which is what I was afraid of!

however there are enough posters here that understand where I was coming from, and my nanny is indeed super lovely - I think she will probably get it too, even if she thinks I was a bit dumb about it. I was actually really apologetic about it later on, but it all happened a bit quickly, and she (nanny) was about to tear open the packaging for DD so if there was any chance for her to return it I had to speak up right then. I probably made the wrong choice in the moment.

I do feel extra silly after all the posters saying how useful having two has been, I’m sure I’ll be kicking myself even more in a few months.

i probably also have some guilt issues about my mum since I have moved away from her and she doesn’t get to see DD much - but that is another story (and not a reason to be rude I know)!

thanks all x

It seems really mental to me the amount of people that clearly buy presents for their own benefit (ego) rather than the recipients joy.

Sorry but your Mum trumps Nanny. That’s just the way it is

I just have to say, that’s the most gracious ‘yes I was rude’ response I’ve ever seen on mumsnet. Kudos to you.
Merry Christmas, OP.

The gracious 'yes I was rude' was going well up until the 'however' bit.

How ungrateful. You graciously accept the gift and your daughter has two. How lucky.

It’s not gracious at all!
One sentence saying, ok enough gave said I’m rude and Inhave to accept that….HOWEVER followed a few paragraphs justifying it.

You were rude OP, and I hope your nanny is more gracious than you have been.

The problem for me here is that you treated the Nanny like a second class citizen/the hired help.

Whether you know it or not, the most important lady in your little girl's life right now, second to you and her Dad, is her Nanny. In terms of waking hours, the Nanny spends more time with your child than you or anyone else. As such, she will care deeply about your children. Dare I say it, the nanny probably knows your little girl as well as you do.

You've put her in the position of being told her place. In your eyes, she's not important. She's not 'family'. She's just an employee.

Expect her to act like 'just the hired help' from now on. With all of my children's childcare providers, I valued them more than any fly-by-night semi-annual visitor who might be 'kin'. I accept that it's your Mum who bought the same present and I accept that you feel sad about her not being able to be present as often as you or she would like.

However, the nanny was the one who picked my baby up when she cried. They were the ones who soothed them, who chatted to them, who played with them, who picked them up when they fell, who put a bandage on a cut knee, who read them stories, who toilet trained them (yes), who read stories to them, who brought them out for walks and tours and trips. They taught them things, they cared for them, they watched them grow, they nurtured them, they took on my role when I needed to work and I respected every minute of that time they spent with my child. More than that, I valued them as the £150 a week I paid was not reflective of the care they put in. I cried when I had to move my dd from her childminder who had her from 1 until 3 and a half (I was moving to a different county). That lady had pretty much reared my child. She had gone the extra mile and even the extra 100 miles at times. If I had to work overtime, that was never questioned. The value of that woman to both me and child was immeasurable.

Why does anyone have to 'trump' anyone else?

What I'm trying to say in a long-winded way is that a Nanny is very far from hired help. The level of trust is immense and good nannies are difficult to find. I'd be concerned that your Nanny will now feel like she's not valued and therefore will simply act as such. It's a slap in the face.

In my view, the person who has my baby for 40 hours a week trumps everyone!

In real terms, I got up at 7am, showered and got my dd up at 7.30am, dressed her, gave her breakfast, or if running late somehow, I'd simply bundle my dd in her pyjamas, into the car, drop her at her childminders at 8am and then drive to work. I knew that I could tell her childminder that she hadn't had breakfast yet, or that we hadn't had time to dress her and I knew that her childminder wouldn't bat an eyelid and a snatched 1 minute handover was as much as was required. I started work at 9am (a 50 minute drive to work), so I'd then high-tail it to work, finish at 5.30pm, and make the return journey, pick dd up at 6.30pm, bring her home, give her dinner (she would have had dinner at her childminder's house with her other mindees and her own children), give her a bath, then into bed with dd. During the week, I spent about 2 hours per day maximum with dd while she was awake, while her childminder spent 10.5 hours per day with my baby up to age 3.5.

I valued my childminder so so much. She knew when dd was coming down with something before I did. She knew as an experienced childminder and Mum herself, a lot more than I did. She never charged extra if I was late collecting dd. She was frankly, invaluable to me and my sanity. I would never have insulted her place in my child's life.

You honestly wouldn't believe the level of care and attention that nannies/childminders give. They really are so so important.

Even yourself?

Rude. Really rude. Your poor nanny.

Seems a rude way to handle it

If dd had a choice sometimes, she would have chosen her nanny over me lol.

Of course I am her Mum. But, my nanny was second-in-command! (If dd had her way, her nanny would have been first in command at times lol).

My dd's Nanny respected all of my notions and wishes about perfect parenting (as per whatever book I was reading at the time) lol. She, as a mother herself, knew what it's like to have to hand your baby over to somebody else, so she totally respected all of my weird theories. 😁

This is what I said "Whether you know it or not, the most important lady in your little girl's life right now, second to you and her Dad, is her Nanny."

No OP you did the right thing. Kids have enough crap at Christmas without having 2 of everything as well.

It’s a thing on MN, whatever the 1st person says the rest will usually follow.

I never follow the crowd and am often the lone voice. Don't suggest that I can't think for myself. I did not read any reply before my first response on page 3 of this post. I wrote what I think. I am rarely influenced by other posts.

I just have to say, that’s the most gracious ‘yes I was rude’ response I’ve ever seen on mumsnet.

Really? It's the typical "well I can see most people said IABU but I'm not really because XYZ and also some people agreed with me so there".

My childminder had my baby/into toddler years for 52.5 hours per week. Not 40. That was where my dd learned to share, how to be part of a family group (she was the youngest so was a bit spoilt by her childminder too), learned to fight her corner as the littlest hobo, learned about different family dynamics and learned how loved she was.

I had to work for my sanity. I had to work to give us both a better life. I was never the type who would play incessantly with my child, or do crafts, or whatever. I needed to work (for me). My childminder facilitated that for me.