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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reject nanny’s gift

178 replies

Likesicecream · 23/12/2022 18:20

our lovely nanny brought Xmas gifts for the kids today and one was a doll stroller for my DD, perfect gift for her

problem is my mum got her the same thing (different style), it’s wrapped and ready for Xmas. My mum is crazy about Xmas and wanted to get her this for a while. Obviously our nanny would realise what had happened when she saw that one after Xmas, and it seemed silly to have two of them, we don’t have tons of space - and I wanted DD to be excited when she got the one from my mum

so when the wrapping came off and nanny was about to take it out of the packaging, I quickly mentioned that my mum had got her one too

she said oh she’ll get her something else then, of course I said don’t worry about that, but we put the stroller aside to return (DD too young to realise what had happened and there was something else small for her that she was happy playing with)

I was apologetic about the whole thing and said thank you etc but felt really bad about it afterwards and DH said he wouldn’t have said anything

Was I BU to say something?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 23/12/2022 19:20

Oh gosh yes you were rude. I would send a follow up message apologising explicitly saying you were sorry for being so rude but you really didn't mean it. Your poor nanny.

Floralnomad · 23/12/2022 19:23

I think you’ve been quite rude and it was also unnecessary if your mum is abroad a lot of the time .

HornyHandedSonOfTroll · 23/12/2022 19:23

Ghostedtree · 23/12/2022 18:52

Have you never had duplicate gifts for your kids before?

You could have just put the nanny's to one side, then left your DC open your DM on Xmas and have the excitement on the day. You didn't need to say anything to the nanny.

If its something your DC enjoys, I would hang onto both. For when the inevitable happens and it gets lost/broken.

This.

TrashyPanda · 23/12/2022 19:24

Poor nanny that was hurtful

your mum is never going to know.

wouldnt have said anything, swap your mums one for something else and keep nanny’s one. She’s the one who sees your DD all the time.

Petronus · 23/12/2022 19:24

Ouch. Given that she is an employee, presumably not a high earner, getting a present she really didn’t need to for your child I think you should have been extremely grateful whatever it was. This is such an entitled and dismissive reaction even if it’s not meant to be.

category12 · 23/12/2022 19:25

Yeah, rude, and I don't think you'd have done it if she was a friend or family member.

katseyes7 · 23/12/2022 19:26

I'm afraid l'd find this really hurtful. It was a very kind thing for her to do, and you basically threw it back in her face.
We had similar for years with my mother. I'd rack my brains for weeks trying to think of something to get her, and without exception, it'd be either handed back with 'Why have you given me that?' or 'I'll not use that, you have it'.
One example was a big fleece blanket which zipped up like a sleeping bag, but rolled up with toggles and fitted in it's own bag. After she'd complained of being cold all the time.
Another was when l gave her a poinsettia the day before Christmas Eve. When we went on Christmas Day, it was nowhere to be seen. "Oh, l gave it to (her neighbour). I didn't want it.".
Your mum would be none the wiser. The nanny will. Personally l'd donate your mum's present to a child who has very little (your local food bank will know someone, trust me) and let your little one use the nanny's gift.
It just comes across as incredibly rude and ungrateful.
And if she's a very good nanny, l suspect you may be looking for a new one in the new year. She sounds lovely.

Aprilx · 23/12/2022 19:26

I cannot imagine being that ungracious or anyone being that ungracious to me. I honestly can’t recall anyone ever throwing a gift back in my face like that.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 23/12/2022 19:28

Unreasonable and rude. Next question?

HALGEM999 · 23/12/2022 19:29

Very rude. That poor Nanny.

ZiraCitrine · 23/12/2022 19:32

As an ex nanny I wouldn’t have been offended by this, and have also been on the receiving end of the conversation as a friend & family member.

I would prefer to spend my time/money on another gift for them so they have two presents they enjoy, otherwise it’s a waste of both. I think it’s far more rude to accept and quietly donate it or hide it somewhere because it’s not required.

Holliegee · 23/12/2022 19:35

It’s done.
its Christmas - your Nanny sounds fab I’m sure she will get a nice substitute gift for dd

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 23/12/2022 19:39

Yes you were very rude! If your daughter is too young to be bothered that her new present was swept away as soon as she opened it then she's also too young to be bothered about having two versions of a toy. She's likely more excited about opening presents than what the present actually is.

Sparklingbrook · 23/12/2022 19:40

I wouldn't have said anything, duplicate presents happen all the time.

OldFan · 23/12/2022 19:42

What was the point of saying something when you still took the gift off her?

I would've told her for the sake of her finances, she could've taken it back and saved a bit of cash.

MysteryBelle · 23/12/2022 19:42

You were rude. It was like saying ‘My mother is giving that and that’s the one I want.’ Hurtful. Especially being different styles, your dd would have a doll stroller from your mother and one unique from nanny, there is no problem with that. Basic manners, say thank you and enjoy the gift. That’s all you had to do. I would apologize and say your dd would love to receive the doll stroller. Say you weren’t thinking and we’re caught up in having 2 of something but now you realize dd would love both and would use both, and how much you all appreciate her.

Unless there’s something you haven’t told us such as the nanny on purpose wanted to preempt grandmother and got same thing knowingly. That doesn’t seem to be the case though.

OliveWah · 23/12/2022 19:43

I probably would have had the same, automatic reaction you had OP, and would probably be feeling bad about it now, just like you! Don't beat yourself up too much, you were thinking of saving your DM's feelings, not about trying to hurt your Nanny's feelings, even though one did lead to the other, it clearly wasn't your intention. Lots of PPs have given you various excellent ideas for the second buggy, so pick one of those, then let this go and have a wonderful Christmas!

RambamThankyouMam · 23/12/2022 19:43

Ohgod you were so rude! I'm cringing.

girlmom21 · 23/12/2022 19:44

I agree that you were rude and if it was anyone else you wouldn't have rejected the gift.

georgarina · 23/12/2022 19:44

I'm sure you didn't mean it but yes, not something I would say on receiving a gift.

You could have given DM's one to charity or a friend of DD if DM lives in another country and won't ever know.

AbsolutelyDrambulous · 23/12/2022 19:45

My daughter has 2 strollers, she loves both. You were unreasonable and a bit unkind to be honest. What a lovely thing for her to have done and you've probably made me feel like crap

Simplelife1 · 23/12/2022 19:45

I would have been completely mortified if I was the nanny and treated so ungraciously by you. Dont be surprised if she is not with you for much longer.

Octopusmittens · 23/12/2022 19:49

‘reject’ wow 🙄

BatshitBanshee · 23/12/2022 19:49

I actually don't see how you could have been any ruder. Just accept graciously, two small strollers wouldn't hurt anyone.

Ask yourself why you feel you have to protect your mother's feelings over all - including the possibility of offending and upsetting someone who is looking after DD and thought enough of her to buy a stroller.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/12/2022 19:50

My dd had more than one pushchair and she was given 2 for Christian’s once including one from us. It never occurred to me to tell the person I would be returning it. The person was a bit taken aback and I just said it was fine, dd would play with both. In the event, they were great for play dates and dd enjoyed playing with both. She had more than one doll so the dolls had places to go.

Your nanny did a lovely thing.