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Original poster

To be envious of those with lots of children

192 replies

Noonesingsthischristmassong · 22/12/2022 22:51

I’m talking four children really, or more if you’re very wealthy.
I’ve always loved kids but was never massively maternal. Dh and I then started trying for kids and it took 9 years and lots of losses. We now have an amazing Dd and frozen embryos, but I’m 44 so thinking it’s too late now anyway.
I adore Dd but am a person who likes/needs space and don’t get it and have found motherhood hard at times..my head says I’d be crazy to want lots of kids as it’s hard work and life is more stressful etc. But I often look at those with four or so kids and think how nice it would be, you’d never be lonely, a bustling, full house, four children with their different personalities, four times feeling that love of having a child. All your children around you in your old age.
I travelled lots when younger and had a great career, but sometimes wonder how different life would have been if I’d just put more importance on family and tried to conceive younger and maybe have a big family full of love.

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 23/12/2022 16:23

@antelopevalley

Parenting a newborn is fine. But parenting a teenager in your seventies is very different.

Well, she would be more like mid 60s, but I do agree with your sentiment. I am in my mid 50s, and couldn't think of anything worse than having young, school age kids around now! (And teenagers in my mid 60s!!) Shock

I loved having mine around for the 18-19 years they lived at home, (they're only a year apart in age, mid 20s now,) but having your total freedom back, and having NO responsibility for children by your mid to late 40s, is ideal IMO. If I could go back 30 years I wouldn't change a thing, and I have loved every minute of my kids and raising them, but no WAY would I have started again in my late 40s/early 50s. LOL fuck that!

@SomeoneNamedGabriella

Also, Its been shown that people who give birth at 35 or older have much higher chances of their baby being born unhealthy. Getting kids at 50 Is not a great idea.

100% this. Incredibly unfair on the child too. They will very likely be a carer by their mid 20s, or an orphan. And please spare me the 'my auntie Fluff is 97 and she runs a marathon a day, and works 77 hours a week, and could run rings around women a third of her age' trope, because it's a fact that for the vast majority of people, their health will start to take a fairly rapid nosedive when they hit their early 70s. (For some it will be earlier.)

Favouritefruits · 23/12/2022 16:23

I’d love more children, I’ve just got two but we just couldn’t afford more with driving lessons, house deposits, university it seems unattainable.

MarshaBradyo · 23/12/2022 16:24

RambamThankyouMam · 23/12/2022 00:18

I pity any schmuck who has more than two. Absolute nightmare.

I have three but this made me laugh

Huge families are not for me - when people say on here they have eight or you see it on Instagram and it’s loads. Too much but generally they get well done etc

PurpleButterflyWings · 23/12/2022 16:27

Wanderingoff · 23/12/2022 00:56

@PurpleButterflyWings not to derail - but before modern contraception a woman having a baby at 50 was far from unheard of.

if it was me and I had the embryos I’d get them implanted. 45 is not too old.

You're deluded. It WAS rare to have a baby at 50 all those years ago, (before modern contraception,) and it still is. It has never been 'common' for women to have a baby at 50.. not naturally. All the women who had a baby at 50 were very likely raising their grandchild. I know a number of women (pre 1980s) who suddenly had a baby at 47-52 years old, and everyone knew it was their daughter's baby. Yeah, maybe a small handful of women had a baby (naturally) at 42-44-ish, but to suggest it was common to have a baby at 50 before contraception, well, that's just ridiculous.

I stand by what I said, 45 is too old to have a baby. It just is. For soooo many reasons. And I don't care how many posters pop on here to claim they/their mother/their nan/their friend/their colleague/LOADS of people in their 'social circle' had 2 or 3 babies after 40, (and at least one after 45/46,) in REAL-LIFE this is quite rare.

And people can jog on with the 'it's a class thing' bollox, I have upper, middle, and working class people in my 'social circle, (because I am not so narrow minded that I only speak to/hang around with people of my own class,) and not a single one has had a baby past 45. Two women I know had a baby at 41 and 42, but the rest of the people I know had babies before 40. And that is across several different 'classes.'

Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas · 23/12/2022 16:32

@PurpleButterflyWings How awful
to say all the things you’ve said for the poor women who weren’t able to have children earlier, for whatever reason.
Good for you that you could have them young and planned for that, not everyone has that privilege, your posts are massively insensitive

Wanderingoff · 23/12/2022 16:38

@PurpleButterflyWings i didn’t say it was common. I said it was not unheard of. Which it’s not. It is possible - but not likely - to become pregnant naturally late 40s into 50.

you do sound a tad narrow minded yourself tbh

malificent7 · 23/12/2022 16:40

Each to their own but the planet does not need more humans.

Wanderingoff · 23/12/2022 16:40

@PurpleButterflyWings i often find that people
who say they have made ideal life choices very rarely actually feel thst they have and it is often driven by a fear that they have not….

Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas · 23/12/2022 16:48

Get an@Wanderingoff Definitely a touch of protesting too much..seems personal, I mean, who minds when other women have children 🤷🏻‍♀️

neverbeenskiing · 23/12/2022 16:52

I think you are envious of something you probably would find very difficult in reality.

This is often the way envy works, I think. My best friend is childfree and single, and I sometimes envy the peace, solitude and freedom she has but in reality I would probably find it very lonely.

OP, I personally found going from one to two DC incredibly challenging. Like you, I am someone who craves time alone and it becomes much harder to get this with any regularity once you have a second child. Youngest is now 4 and I feel like I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel, but some days are still very hard. From what you've said about your experience of motherhood so far, I think starting again at 45 would be taking a big gamble with your mental wellbeing, even if you were lucky enough to have no complications and a healthy DC.

excelledyourself · 23/12/2022 17:01

I couldn't think of much worse. Apart from having 5, I suppose.

My son is the absolute apple of my eye and was a pretty easy kid to raise, but the worry of the teen years is not something I could put myself through multiple times.

DNBU · 23/12/2022 17:04

We have one, by choice - partly because of health concerns, partly because in reality we would struggle financially with more then one, partly because we’re able to comfortably balance our social lives, careers, passions, hobbies, family time and relationship. I know the last point sounds selfish and maybe it is.

I daydream about living in a small commune/small village of made up of our family/friends! So I definitely understand the large family/chaotic household element.

Lentilweaver · 23/12/2022 17:13

DNBU · 23/12/2022 17:04

We have one, by choice - partly because of health concerns, partly because in reality we would struggle financially with more then one, partly because we’re able to comfortably balance our social lives, careers, passions, hobbies, family time and relationship. I know the last point sounds selfish and maybe it is.

I daydream about living in a small commune/small village of made up of our family/friends! So I definitely understand the large family/chaotic household element.

Nope not selfish at all. Just got back from a solo European trip. With any more DC I wouldn't be able to do that. I am 50 now and plan to spend the next 25 yrs focusing mostly on myself, selfish or not.Of course DC still need support. But they dont need me to be physically present.

SpicyFoodRocks · 23/12/2022 17:45

I wouldn’t want to do the teen years with more than one or two. Being emotionally there for them and supporting them through the highs and lows of teen/young adult life, exams and university applications would be a stretch if I had more than two. My brain wouldn’t cope with the worry!

BabyFour2023 · 23/12/2022 18:10

Fleabigg · 23/12/2022 16:14

But the assertion I responded to was you have to be a better parent to raise 4 children. The implication being parents of 4 children are better than parents of 1. How else are you supposed to read that statement? I’m a cracking parent to my 1 child. The reason I only have 1 child is not because I’m a lesser parent. I might have been an excellent parent to 4. I don’t have 2 dining tables though, so…

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Yeah deffo a shit mum then aren’t ya 🙄 I was agreeing with you til you turned petty.

kikisparks · 23/12/2022 19:13

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/12/2022 11:24

OP do you think you're depressed? You post just sounds that you are very low about life in general, and to have a real case of the grass is always greener. If you think that's the case go see your GP in the NY?

You can be lonely in a big group as well as on your own. Plenty of mothers of big families feel like a function more than a person. Having 4 kids can be great - it can also mean that people are overstretched emotionally and financially, so the kids don't get enough resources or attention. As for more than 4 kids - I think that's almost impossible to do well, regardless of how much money you have, unless there are huge age gaps.

Kids need attention and yours will get plenty. If you want to try for a second, do. 44 is older for sure, but life is never perfect - if you want to try do. But be realistic with yourself - if you think it's too much just focus on giving your kids lots of opportunities to build the skill of making friends. I think most people would agree only children aren't ideal, in the same way that sole parents aren't ideal - but it's got lots of strong points, and is a lot better than 2 kids that parents can't cope with.

Over Christmas do some thinking about what you want out of life. I suspect you have just got stuck and are fixating on something rather than thinking deeper about what the problem is. See your GP. Think about the fact that there are lots of positives to one child, and a lot of big families aren't having an easy time - it doesn't sound that it would ever have worked for you. Build up the skill of noticing when you are building yourself into a funk. CBT might be helpful. You mention having had a good career - it might be worth thinking of how you can open your life up with some meaningful work. You daughter will be FT at school soon if she isn't already, so it's a good time for that., and in mid 40s is a good time to build a second career.

“I think most people would agree only children aren't ideal”

What? There’s nothing wrong with having a single child, in fact for many families it is very much ideal! I think most people would agree that dysfunctional, unhappy families aren’t ideal, but family size doesn’t come into it.

ICanBoogieWoogie · 23/12/2022 19:52

We have one DS, now 16.

I’ve had pangs of guilt that he has no siblings, but I have no regrets. He’s ND and secondary school has been hell, the thought of going through what we have with multiple DC, I don’t think I could have coped. He’s needed lots of support, his MH has also suffered.

I have 2 siblings, enjoy having them in my life, although would love to see them more, but growing up wasn’t great, lots of arguments etc

YANBU for feeling the way you do, OP but don’t let it eat away at you. Focus on what you have, rather than regretting what you don’t have.

Lenald · 23/12/2022 20:03

kikisparks · 23/12/2022 19:13

“I think most people would agree only children aren't ideal”

What? There’s nothing wrong with having a single child, in fact for many families it is very much ideal! I think most people would agree that dysfunctional, unhappy families aren’t ideal, but family size doesn’t come into it.

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Lovely @Luredbyapomegranate obviously a kind response well intended x

Cuppasoupmonster · 23/12/2022 20:10

w0rkschmurk · 23/12/2022 10:48

Just to add, whenever I start doubting our choice to only have one, I think of a mum of 3 that I know who is completely unable to socialise on any weekday evening because she and her husband have to ferry the kids to several different activities simultaneously. They also both work full time, live in a large, new build home and regularly run out of money each month. And I'm sure they're not the only family living like this. Not my cup of tea.

This is the thing. Parenting now is a totally different kettle of fish to when we were kids in the 80s/90s. Back then we shared bedrooms, parents didn’t obsess over extra curriculars and older siblings entertained younger ones (weirdly enough I actually enjoyed this!). If you’re a laid back type of person it can all work out very nicely.

For all our obsessing over house prices/extra curriculars/‘emotional support’, kids aren’t actually any happier are they?

Middersweekly · 23/12/2022 20:12

The thread has been slightly derailed but I will give my opinion on having 4 children for you OP.
When DC were younger it was extremely hard work. Money was tight which was very stressful. A wealthier couple may not have found it so difficult as perhaps they would have had some paid childcare on hand. By comparison most of the child rearing was left to me as DH worked FT and wasn’t in the slightest bit hands on when DC were very young. I also breastfed all DC so nightfeeds fell solely to me. The rewards come later the older they get.
2 of my DC are adults now and the older ones only come back during the holidays as they’re studying away from home.
DD3 is late late teens and youngest 11. They do love having each other around. The older they get, the better their bond is. Realistically DD4 will go to university in 7 years and me and DH will be left with an empty nest.
It’s all relative though. One only child DC could have a close bond with a cousin. There’s no guarantee that siblings will be close or get along. If you feel strongly about trying for another then go for it. If not then leave things as they are.

Facefail · 23/12/2022 20:19

If you are a person who needs alone time I honestly think you would have found 4 absolute hell.

I need alone time: I have two and it really, really does my head in at times. The noise! The fighting! The constant demands on attention! The fighting!

Soñando25 · 23/12/2022 20:33

This is a very interesting thread. I have 4 adult children. I’ve never regretted having 4 children, it’s the very best thing I did with my life. I have to say we were very laid back though and had a great deal of help from other family members when the children were small. We were also fortunate financially, not rich, but comfortable and I feel that this made a big difference as there were no money worries in the background.
My adult children get on well, but different sibling combinations are closer than others- a lot comes down to personality in my opinion.
Ultimately it’s a personal decision, so I would say take time to think OP and I don’t think you’re too old at all. Age isn’t just a number, it’s attitude.

kikisparks · 23/12/2022 20:41

@Lenald I don’t think you meant to quote me?

Gagaandgag · 24/12/2022 00:52

NeedToChangeName · 23/12/2022 11:24

Fostering is very rewarding, but ENTIRELY different from raising your own children

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True of course. But could also be a very viable option for creating the home the Op is craving

echt · 24/12/2022 03:06

Not RTFT, but having any children with siblings does not mean they'll get on, nor that they will keep in touch with you, nor that they'll be with in your old age.