To be envious of those with lots of children

[Noonesingsthischristmassong]

I’m talking four children really, or more if you’re very wealthy.
I’ve always loved kids but was never massively maternal. Dh and I then started trying for kids and it took 9 years and lots of losses. We now have an amazing Dd and frozen embryos, but I’m 44 so thinking it’s too late now anyway.
I adore Dd but am a person who likes/needs space and don’t get it and have found motherhood hard at times..my head says I’d be crazy to want lots of kids as it’s hard work and life is more stressful etc. But I often look at those with four or so kids and think how nice it would be, you’d never be lonely, a bustling, full house, four children with their different personalities, four times feeling that love of having a child. All your children around you in your old age.
I travelled lots when younger and had a great career, but sometimes wonder how different life would have been if I’d just put more importance on family and tried to conceive younger and maybe have a big family full of love.

Why don’t you foster?

This is my daydream too - four children, lots of lovely emotionally healthy extended family, lots of money, can afford to pay for help as needed.

The reality though is the one child was right for us, I had wobbles when he was younger but now I know it was the right decision. You can only play the best hand with the cards you're dealt.

I have seven, over many years & three marriages, so there's about a 20 yr gap between oldest & youngest, so they weren't all at home at the same time. Great fun! I could follow six conversations all at the same time! :-)
They are the light of my life, & all get on well. I just don't get the families who don't speak. So sad.

I am one of five. We really didn’t get along. Three now have nothing to do with the family. I haven’t seen them in over 20 years.

Fostering is very rewarding, but ENTIRELY different from raising your own children

OP do you think you're depressed? You post just sounds that you are very low about life in general, and to have a real case of the grass is always greener. If you think that's the case go see your GP in the NY?

You can be lonely in a big group as well as on your own. Plenty of mothers of big families feel like a function more than a person. Having 4 kids can be great - it can also mean that people are overstretched emotionally and financially, so the kids don't get enough resources or attention. As for more than 4 kids - I think that's almost impossible to do well, regardless of how much money you have, unless there are huge age gaps.

Kids need attention and yours will get plenty. If you want to try for a second, do. 44 is older for sure, but life is never perfect - if you want to try do. But be realistic with yourself - if you think it's too much just focus on giving your kids lots of opportunities to build the skill of making friends. I think most people would agree only children aren't ideal, in the same way that sole parents aren't ideal - but it's got lots of strong points, and is a lot better than 2 kids that parents can't cope with.

Over Christmas do some thinking about what you want out of life. I suspect you have just got stuck and are fixating on something rather than thinking deeper about what the problem is. See your GP. Think about the fact that there are lots of positives to one child, and a lot of big families aren't having an easy time - it doesn't sound that it would ever have worked for you. Build up the skill of noticing when you are building yourself into a funk. CBT might be helpful. You mention having had a good career - it might be worth thinking of how you can open your life up with some meaningful work. You daughter will be FT at school soon if she isn't already, so it's a good time for that., and in mid 40s is a good time to build a second career.

I understand why you want more.

For a while I wanted more and I have two.

But I am an only child and I loved it, so that made me question why I wanted more. I loved having lots of time with my parents and grandparents. I could play with cousins, neighbours and friends but then go home to my nice life! I didn't want what they had. So you could build that more for your daughter if needed, park playdates and so on. But she might be super happy with the way things are. My parents suffered secondary infertility and I remember Mum wanting another badly, but I couldn't understand when I loved what we had. She came to terms with it in time.

I have stopped at two because we can't stretch our emotional and financial resources any further. I owe it to our current children to have the bets mental health that I can have.

My friend from school has one. They are the loveliest family.

You do what is right for you, if you want to try IVF again that's ok too. just know there isn't a right number at all.

As women I think we have been conditioned to think more is better.

Has she got cousins? Every day I'm thankful for my 3 dc, I wouldn't change a thing so I do sympathise with you for wanting a bigger family.
But she'll be loved and cherished amd at the end of the day that's all that really matters for any child

@Delectable

Older parents don't mean better parents!

My kids had friends with older parents (esp the dads) who were intolerant, grumpy and generally distant, farming out child rearing to others eg one family had an au pair despite the mum being a sahm and the dad was semi retired so they could go out all the time without their dd, the dd wasn't allowed in the living room or dining room either only her playroom, bedroom (both beautifully decorated of course) and ate with the au pair in the kitchen, poor kid

I’m one of four. My parents didn’t have capacity to support all of us, even though they were very very wealthy. Four children was too much for them. As a result we aren’t close at all. I have some resentment to them for having too many kids that they could cope with.

I think different type of family structures suit different children. Some love being only children, some love busy and noisy houses. And raising more children does I think mean you have to be a better parent, which not everyone is up to.

This. Also, Its been shown that people who give birth at 35 or older have much higher chances of their baby being born unhealthy. Getting kids at 50 Is not a great idea.

I have 3. I’ve only realised recently how important the busy house is to me, because I was very lonely as a child. Chaos, noise, fun, yes. Never ending noise and no time on my own (ever), yes again.

There's a big leap between 1 and 4+

Why not be envious of people that have 2? That sounds like it would suit someone that also values space better. It's what I've gone for for that reason!

DH is one of five. He only really gets on with two siblings and even then they're not hugely close. They all spent a lot of time in foster care. Because of this, he only wanted two DC at the most, as did I. Any more and I'd really struggle with patience and being a good and present parent. DD and DS constantly fight and the other day DD said she wanted to be an only child!

My DB and I are not close at all. I've colleagues I have better relationships with him than him.

What I'm saying is, the grass will always be greener when it comes to family size. I get your feeling of sadness, but as long as you have plenty of people in your DD's life, she'll be more than fine.

Better or different? The onus is on me to be the one to play with my 5 year old and facilitate the development of her peer relationships. She doesn’t have older siblings for me to palm her off on as my friends with 2+ freely admit they do (and as my parents did).

They clearly aren’t the better parents pp is referring to then.

So you don’t “have to” be a better parent then?

In an ideal world, everyone would be a good parent. We all know it’s far from true. Thankfully many women, including ones on this threads, have said they stopped at 1/2 because they know they couldn’t give more. I think that’s amazing and to be admired. I think you’d find the children of parents like the ones you mention are the ones who didn’t have a great experience of growing up in a big family, again, like the ones on this thread. There are equally many only children and children who have 1 sibling who didn’t have good childhoods.
Maybe PP should’ve said “to have happy children, you need to be a better parent”

I have 5 DSs and 1 SS who we had every weekend so 7 or 8 in the household all the time . It was a lovely time when they were all little but now they're grown up I constantly feel that we can't help them get on the housing laddër and with other finances because everything has to be shared by 6 . I notice those with smaller families eventually double in number if they get on with their kids partners .We always seem the kind of second fiddle family maybe because we're pread thinner? If we have a family occasion it's very crowded so you don't actually get much time for a nice chat with each of my DSs. Obviously I wouldn't be without one of my lovely DSs but I though that might help you xx

Sounds like hell on earth to me.

But the assertion I responded to was you have to be a better parent to raise 4 children. The implication being parents of 4 children are better than parents of 1. How else are you supposed to read that statement? I’m a cracking parent to my 1 child. The reason I only have 1 child is not because I’m a lesser parent. I might have been an excellent parent to 4. I don’t have 2 dining tables though, so…

This. ^ The very idea that older parents make better parents is offensive and rude and ageist. (And wrong.) Age makes fuck-all difference, you're either a good parent or you're not.

Goodness no thanks.
It would be my worst nightmare.

One 3 year old is enough to tear my hair out.

I am one of 4 and feel extremely lucky, as an adult it is so amazing to have so many people in my immediate family, especially as we all get on brilliantly and hang out a lot.

I wish I could have given this to my DC too but we're stopping at 2. I am happy that this means I can give them all the support and attention they need and be my best self. When they are ill or sleep goes awry it is hard enough. 4 would have been way more than I can chew.

But yes, like you, I'm envious of the big families who seem to be smashing it!